I don’t even recognize myself: shoving money at the man outside Target ringing the bell, frosting Christmas cookies instead of standing over the sink devouring the container with a spoon, passing out candy canes to every child I see like some kind of creepy stranger.
I’m like Buddy the Elf.
I like to whisper, too.
But, it’s December 28th, and that ship has sailed. Gone is peace on Earth, goodwill to men. I’m tired. I’m broke. My house is trashed, I have a never-ending bag of cold turkey in my fridge that elicited dry heaves and nightmares at the thought of consuming one more bite, and my husband and I are two days deep into a staring contest over who’s gonna take the damn tree down.
Which brings me to all the things I absolutely won’t miss about Christmas.
5. Fragile. It’s French. “Stop touching the balls!” This, along with other empty threats echoed through my hallways this Christmas season as I learned to embrace the fact that I was no longer able to have a color-coordinated tree, but rather, a mish-mash of elementary school macaroni and pine cone crafts.
4. Forced wallet opening. No more rush shipping math. I can now resume clicking whatever Amazon Prime button thingy that says free without worrying someone will go empty handed on Christmas morning.
3. Continued Price gouging. Things can go back to being normal priced. Like liquor and bags of individually wrapped Rolos.
2. Faux Merry. I don’t have to pretend to understand/enjoy It’s a Wonderful Life, anymore.
1. No more crowds. I can now go back to wandering around Target at 11am on a weekday in peace. Some people have church. Some people meditate. I find spirituality in the aisles between the Australian licorice and $30 leopard wedges.