The 7 Worst Things About Christmas

Every kid loves Christmas. But that’s not to say that the season doesn’t have a few low spots. Because it does. And as parents, it’s important to identify some of these low spots, especially now that we’re heading into the heart of the holiday season. You know, to help shield our little ones from potential unpleasantries, thereby enabling them to have the best Christmastime experience possible.

It’s in that spirit that I offer you the following list of the 7 worst things about Christmas as experienced by your child.

You can thank me later. 

  • Eggnog 1 of 7
    We begin this slide show with two obvious ones. First, eggnog. Kids (and most adults, I might add) hate eggnog and I think I know why. By and large, young people don't find drinks which have the viscosity of mucous to be very refreshing. Or tasty. And the cinnamon that's often sprinkled on top ain't gonna change their minds. I mean, the only thing that ever changed my mind about eggnog was when I finally watered that stuff down with a liberal amount of whiskey. Photo Credit
  • Fruitcake 2 of 7
    Ah, fruitcake. The other obvious thing that kids hate. Now that I'm an adult, I'll admit that I have, indeed, tasted one or two fruitcakes which were actually pretty good. But regardless of such testimonials, kids won't touch fruitcake with a ten-foot pole. And I don't blame them. If you were seven, would you eat something that resembled one of Rudolph's Jujy-Fruit-induced bowel movements? Photo Credit
  • Seeing Mommy Kiss Santa Claus 3 of 7
    Seeing Mommy Kiss Santa Claus
    Seriously. Kids have a hard enough time with the concept of their parents getting frisky. So if junior were to ever stumble out of bed one night to find Mommy tongue wrestling with Santa under the mistletoe, he'd likely update his Christmas list right then and there to include a lifetime supply of therapy. It's not like I'd be able to talk him through it. Because if I saw Santa macking with my wife? I'd be serving 10 to 15 in the pokey thanks to the whooping I woulda unleashed on his jolly, fat ass. Photo Credit
  • Elf Shoes 4 of 7
    Elf Shoes
    Remember that time you thought it'd be a good idea to have your child watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Gene Wilder edition, naturally)? You gotta admit, that whole Oompa Loompa deal kinda backfired. No, Santa's elves aren't orange, but they still have feet that look like Funions and that's more than enough to creep out a little one. And me, too, for that matter. Photo Credit
  • The Nutcracker 5 of 7
    The Nutcracker
    Kids hate the nutcracker. Wait. No they don't. It's me who hates the nutcracker, and I only started hating it this year. Such is the risk you run, I suppose, when you sign up for a yuletide vasectomy. Photo Credit
  • Sitting on Santa’s Lap 6 of 7
    Sitting on Santa's Lap
    LGOP. (Looks good on paper.) I mean, on the one hand, he's Santa. On the other, the old fella's a stranger. One with the faint smell of bourbon on his breath at that. And the whole make-out session with Mom probably didn't help matters, either, you know. Photo Credit
  • Kissing Grandmom 7 of 7
    Kissing Grandmom
    Your boy's fired up that Grandma likes the scarf he got her. Truly. But he'd just as soon she expressed that gratitude with a fist bump. Because he'd rather consume a pound of fruitcake with an eggnog chaser while sitting on Santa's lap and rubbing elf feet than actually kiss an octogenarian. Photo Credit

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Article Posted 4 years Ago
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