When your “balance” looks different
For Marissa Mayer, "balance" and a 130-hour work week aren't incompatible. Photo credit: Unknown (grabbed from the BetaBeat interview that inspired this post)
What if your parenting style looks a hell of a lot like a version of parenting you don’t follow…but people who don’t know the whole story judge you anyway?
Homa left a comment on my overparenting post that really got my bells ringing:
I sometimes feel like other parents are judging me for being a helicopter mom – I do hover over my kids but it is a safety issue because a wayward PB&J in the playground could spell disaster…I try to teach my kids to be aware & independent even though I seem to hover.
Boy, do I get it.
I had the exact same feeling when we took my son out of school in 4th grade. I felt the heat of disapproval from medical and educational experts (and family members) who told me our move would hinder Luke’s ability to handle anxiety even further.
(Ironically, I felt similar heat coming from a few homeschooling parents a year-and-a-half later when Luke was ready to return to public middle school.)
Neither Homa nor I have a roadmap for the choices we’re making. No parent does, so the disapproval and judgement hits us where it hurts…our insecurities coupled with our desperate love for our children. And yet we press on. With no answers. Only hope with no guarantees.
In this BetaBeat interview, Google executive Marissa Mayer discusses her intense, successful career and how knowing herself well protects her from burnout:
“My theory is that burnout is about resentment,” she said. “Know yourself well enough to know what you’re giving up” by staying at work.
For Marissa, “balance” isn’t incompatible with a 130-hour work week. She’s in the minority and she knows it. She has found her own version of balance.
For Homa and me, parenting looks different from the norm, but something tells us, for now, this is the right way to do it. We might be wrong. But so might you, judgers.
To the naysayers, experts, and well-meaning people who still think we’re nuts: we appreciate your opinions. They help us clarify our own. We know you mean well, but you’re only seeing part of the picture.
Here’s what would help more than your judgement: your confidence in us as intelligent, consciencious parents. We don’t need your agreement. We need your support. Your continued honesty and friendship. Your willingness to keep talking.
But in the end we will always declare: we know our families best.
Thank you for the mention, Asha! Love the line about the “judgers” – exactly! And really, we can only do what we feel is best with the information we have at the time.
I struggle with this daily. My autistic kiddo needs a little more supervision than my others have, though I want him to have his space, for sure. My problem, though, is that there are like FIFTEEN age 11 and under BOYS on our street. And they are mostly unsupervised, which leads to reckless behavior (and the unsupervising parents thinking i’m a helicopter parent, i’m sure). I swear their collective IQ drops the more boys there are outside. They have damaged other people’s property (innocent boy stuff, not malicious, but still), hurt others (physically and emotionally), and just… done stupid stuff. And I seem to be the only parent who wants to teach my kids to behave and respect other people and their property.
That’s the flip side of the helicopter parenting. Some of these kids aren’t learning basic manners + respect. There has to be a balance.
Great post! It’s something I’ve struggled with a lot as a mother, “Am I making the right decisions when everyone else seems to be doing it differently.” I’m finally learning that it’s okay to be different because that is what my gut is telling me is right. I especially like your comment, ” we appreciate your opinions. They help us clarify our own. We know you mean well, but you’re only seeing part of the picture.” Soooo true! I’m starting to really value others opinions and judgements (good and bad) because it continually makes me reevaluate my decisions!
Love this. Goes really well with the lame reigniting of the Mommy Wars. We don’t need to all be the same. We don’t even need to all agree. Let’s just talk about things in a civilized way, okay? I learn from you, and you learn from me.
Man, are you on a roll lately reading my brain and what’s going on in our home! LOL Don’t know if you’re a person of faith, Asha, so I don’t mean to offend, but I think you’ve been God’s “little nudges” to me the last few weeks! :) Thank you!
I appreciate this post. I also think people forget that you parent based on your personality plus your child’s personality. That combo is unique. Just as you and your spouse make marital choices for your specific relationship, and no one else’s. We have married friends that have seperate accounts and split every bill 50/50. That wouldn’t work for us, but who cares if that works for them. Every one makes parenting decisions that work for them. Be a happy person, then you can be a happy parent.
Beth: I would not call myself a person of faith, but your comment does the exact opposite of offend me! It makes me feel very honored — thank you. I’m so glad this stuff is resonating for you.
[...] Recently a comment I made about how being a food allergy parent seems from the outside (I know I look like a “helicopter mom” to others) contributed to a post by Asha Dornfest on her Babble Voices blog “The Accidental Expert” – feel free to check it out: When your “balance” looks different [...]
It’s so very hard not to worry about what others think about you. We tell our kids that but we get wrapped up when someone passes judgment on us, especially when they don’t know the situation. If you and your spouse are on the same page, that’s all that matters. My wife and I pay a lot more attention to our kids, especially in school, than most other parents do. My nine year old loves it – she wants Mommy there all the time. For my teen, he says he has a hard time with it but the more we pay attention and get involved the better he does in school. Use your best judgment and do what you think is right. It is tough, though – hang in there!
Paul McGuire
http://www.affluentstudent.com