A summer of self-care in six simple steps
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During a particularly challenging period in my parenting life, friends and family members pulled me aside and gently told me: you need to take care of yourself.
It drove me nuts.
I appreciated their concern, but from where I stood (at the bottom of a well), taking care of myself seemed like a frivolous luxury. I had neither the time, energy, nor interest in pedicures and cappuccini. I was juggling multiple crises and they wanted me stop and get a massage? Um, yeah, later.
Of course, they saw more than I was able to at the time. They saw my fuel gauge hovering near empty.
Fortunately, I had good people around me (including my husband) who wouldn’t take no for an answer. A year and a half, many conversations, much journaling, a therapist, a housecleaner, and a fitness boot camp later, I was back on my feet. (As I said a while back, everybody needs a supporting cast.) I now know that self-care was the only way I managed the challenges I was facing.
You know what’s scary? I didn’t realize I’d fallen down in the first place. I’m now healthy, strong, and positive. I’m humbler and more easily spooked, perhaps — but I’m happy. Only now can I see how depleted I was during the time of my family’s hardship.
I tell you this to demonstrate that you, yes YOU, can care for yourself. You must. Self-care is not selfish, self-indulgent, or silly. It’s not only for those with hours and dollars to spare (because, really, who among us has that?).
Self-care can take very little time and cost nothing. That said, I challenge you to see yourself as a line item in the family schedule and budget, just as your children and home are.
Ironically, you need to care for yourself most when you feel the least able to start. So don’t think about it anymore. Just follow my lead. These are the six steps I took to build self-care into my life. You can do it, too, starting now.
1. Choose a single, small thing that, if you did it consistently, would make you feel better.
You get to define “feel better.” For me, it was taking a shower (like I said, small). If I could get up 15 minutes earlier each morning, and then spend it cleaning myself up (instead of cleaning the house or mindlessly Web surfing), I would hold my head a little higher all day.
2. Start.
When you’re depleted, it always feels easier to do nothing … or to beat yourself up for not starting. So skip that part and just start. Take the shower. Or floss your teeth. Or call your friend. Or walk around the block. Or read your magazine. Whatever that small thing is, do it for a week.
3. Restart.
You will falter. Life will blow up and you’ll lapse back into martyrdom. Ignore missteps and that scolding internal voice. Just restart. Do that one, small thing for seven days in a row.
4. Pause and acknowledge.
After a week, pause to be proud of yourself. You’ve just taken a huge step toward health and healing. Good on you! You did this. You’re brilliant.
5. Keep your eye on you.
Your friend’s friend takes care of herself by running half-marathons. Your cousin goes on semi-annual yoga retreats. And you’re taking a shower? Before you berate yourself for starting small, keep in mind that this is your beginning. You’re just getting started. The momentum is building. Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle. (I heard that from John Acuff, author of Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job and Your Dream Job, at Blissdom ’12. It has stayed with me ever since.)
6. Expand and repeat.
Can you think of another small thing that would make you feel better? A date night with your partner, perhaps, or new underwear? (Hey, you buy it for the kids, why not you?) Keep it small and manageable. This isn’t a race to remake your life overnight. You’re building a habit. It can take as long as it needs to.
Let this be the summer of self-care. I won’t take no for an answer.
Christine and I think self-care is so important, we devoted an entire chapter of Minimalist Parenting to the topic.
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This post is so timely for me because I decided this summer that I would focus on me and taking care of myself. My life is about supporting other people and I’m not saying that to be all martyr-ish, but that does happen to be the kind of work I do. And there’s so much of it to do that with that and my kids and home and husband I have spent ZERO time on my health for YEARS. I haven’t exercised in probably 3 years. My metabolism has gone to hell. I feel older than my years. So this summer I decided to do less and spend more time getting myself moving and eating right and sleeping well. It’s only been a week-and-a-half, and there are parts of me that are sore that I didn’t know could be sore, but so far I’m hanging in there. It’s just three months. I know I can make it through these three months without worrying about having enough blog posts or enough traffic or tweeting enough times or getting enough likes on Facebook. I’m going to just do what I can and take the time for my health. So thank you for this encouraging post about self-care. I preach it all the time but I rarely do it.
This: “I challenge you to see yourself as a line item in the family schedule and budget, just as your children and home are.”
Yes, just yes.
Asha, I always look forward to your column and this is a perfect example. So smart, insightful and level-headed. When something has to give, I’m afraid for a lot of mothers, it tends to be ourselves. I needed this reminder.
I’m so glad you wrote this post. I’m a counselor who had to learn the fine art of self care so that I wouldn’t burn out. I’m amazed at how often I teach this to my clients. I wrote a book about self care that will be published in 8 months. I also keep a blog devoted solely to this topic.
My husband and I haven’t had a date night in 2012 yet. I was just given gift cards to several stores to buy things for ME, but it all comes down to childcare. My kids are almost too old for babysitters and too young to stay alone, and absolutely drive me crazy when I try to go shopping with them. I moan that babysitting is so dang expensive and I don’t know how to ask friends to have them over for a night. Then, I transition from agonizing over money to worrying that I have a friendship problem and I get stressed out over that. I wish I could send my kids to school just 2 or 3 days a week. We all feel stressed during the school year, but now I’m additionally stressed having us all out for summer. I feel like I can’t win.
Jill! #1 Totally hear you, yes. #2 “don’t know how to ask friends.” This is not YOUR friendship problem, this is a widespread (American? Western?) problem. No kidding, I’ve been mentally composing a post titled “Please impose upon me” about how asking for and doing favors for friends BUILDS friendships. It’s NOT an imposition. It’s a relief to find out that you have the kind of friendship where you can say: “Will you just take the kids for an eve so The Man and I can go out on a date? I’ll do the same for you.” If that feels too weird, offer first, then ask.
i also write about self care and go between it being my number one priority and falling into the internet sinkhole. thank you for this awesome reminder.
please, please, please write the post you mentioned about friends helping each other. i am so interested in making this kind of thing happen.
It seems the real issue is the mental block, that you are important. Possible ways to unblock –
- ask yourself, “What would I say to my friend if she were in my life and said she couldn’t take care of herself?”
- ask yourself if this is what you want to teach your children. Do you want your daughter to grow up to be a martyr? Do you want your son to marry one?
- ask yourself if maybe, possibility, there is a chance that part of you gets something out of running yourself ragged. Does it make you feel indispensable? Does it make you feel accomplished? Does it make you feel strong? Stronger than everyone else? Does it make you feel needed, and if you weren’t so needed they wouldn’t keep you around?