Marissa Mayer’s “Easy Baby” Isn’t Fussing…So Why Is Everyone Else?
Photo credit: Fortune Magazine
I rarely disagree with Lisa Belkin’s parenting commentary; I love her intelligent, thoughtful writing in this space which so often runs amok with hype. But this time, I have to speak up.
It’s about Marissa Mayer’s easy baby.
As if she weren’t already skating on thin ice with Internet parents for her short maternity leave, at the Fortune Most Powerful Women dinner the other evening, Marissa dared to say (out loud) that motherhood is easier than she thought it would be.
The drums immediately started beating. Women around the Internet (including Lisa) came out to criticize her for calling her baby (and, by extension, parenting) “easy.”
Seriously? Since when is someone’s parenting experience invalid just because it’s positive? Are mothers really so fragile that they can’t hear one woman’s success story without telling her to shut up already?
Does Marissa have less right to talk about it because she’s a successful, working woman in a high-profile position? Imagine if she had quit her Yahoo job and told us about her easy baby from the front porch of her house while wearing an apron and a motherly smile. People would have been delighted.
I’m the mother of two children. The first was “a hard baby.” I couldn’t predict or understand many of his reactions, most of which were either loud or angry. I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I was confused most of the time. I apologized to people a lot.
My second was “an easy baby.” She hardly cried, even as a newborn. She would go to sleep when placed in a crib. She took everything in stride, and would play quietly by herself for hours. A friend once told me, “When I see her I feel the urge to meditate.” Others said, “You must be such a good mother.” I shook my head, not because I was being self-deprecating, but because my mothering had nothing to do with it.
Today I wouldn’t describe my kids as “hard” or “easy.” I know them both better now, and their temperaments have shown themselves in more nuanced ways. But having one “hard” and one “easy” baby taught me it’s the luck of the draw. I could take no credit for one kid’s easiness, nor blame for the other’s more difficult nature. Ultimately, it wasn’t about me or the quality of my parenting. It was about accepting, working with, and appreciating my kids’ temperaments.
To those who are irritated by Marissa Mayer’s “easy” kid, it’s not about you. If you struggle with motherhood (as I did with my first kid), know that her apparent lack of struggle does not reflect on your worth as a parent. There are no comparisons to be made. Your experience is your own. Hers is hers, and I for one am glad she’s talking about it.
Lisa calls Marissa a role model for working mothers and says she’s playing into the “having it all” stereotype, which is damaging to the rest of us for whom life is messier.
Nonsense. She’s a mother who’s living her life, and she’s talking about it honestly. Sure, her life is fancier and shinier than most of ours, and her work/family experience may inspire envy, even a little jealousy. But that doesn’t make her story any less legitimate.
As the astute Elisa Camahort said to me on Twitter yesterday:
Beauty of blogging IMHO is that it busted down barriers; we’re all seeing breadth of experience out there. Isn’t that good?
Let’s do what mothers do best: support each other. When one of us is struggling, let’s gather around her and give her strength. But when one of us is rejoicing, let’s rejoice with her.
Lisa’s a skilled writer, and I detect a little tongue-in-cheek for the sake of getting the conversation going. But even if she’s playing it straight, I’m glad her piece brought this conversation out into the open. I relish any opportunity to defend the right to tell a positive story.
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Asha Dornfest is the co-author of Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More By Doing Less and the publisher of Parent Hacks, a site crammed with tips for making family life easier.
Thanks for writing this (and quoting me), Asha. I agree with you.
I remember once I was working with a team on some copy about a parenting initiative, and we had some copy about the challenges, trials and tribulations of parenting (something to that effect). I, the non-mom on the team, said, “Um, shouldn’t we add ‘the joys’ too?” Everyone laughed, but it always stuck with me how easy it is (maybe especially on the Internet) to focus on drama.
As a non-parent I often stay out of such discussions publicly, but I was there in the room when Marissa uttered this phrase…and it was endearing. True, the audience, almost entirely women from Silicon Valley who are really rooting for her to succeed, may have predominantly come from the same place of privilege that Marissa does. But she said it was joy and surprise and appreciation for how lucky she is, and I thought it was one of the lovelier moments in the interview. I got sad when it got turned into something else, so I chimed in where I usually would not.
My babies were hard, easy, and easy personality with very hard medical needs.
Bless those easy, happy babies.
I like that she’s talking about having an easy baby. It seems to me that she is shrugging off the SuperMom mantle and trying to opt out of the parental (rug)rat race.
I think one of the biggest problems with media is that you never get the whole story. If her baby is truly easy, then she is very blessed. I am happy for her and wish her the best. I just wish that those reading about her knew that they weren’t hearing the whole story…we don’t know if she has a nanny or what other support she has. We can’t compare our situations because they are so different.
I am definitely one to compare myself to others and have to remind myself frequently that I don’t have the whole picture.
Thanks, Judy. I appreciate what you’re saying, but I think it’s important to mention that having a nanny (or other work and/or domestic support) does not necessarily pave the way for an easier parenting experience. Yes, indeed, help makes everything easier, and I’m a huge proponent of sharing the work of parenting, whether it’s by paying someone, swapping with friends, or teaming up with extended family. But when you have a kid with a difficult temperament, even leaving him/her with a nanny can be extremely complicated and stressful. (I speak from experience on this point.)
That said, you’re right. We have to remember we’re just getting incomplete glimpses of people’s lives.
I agree with both you and Lisa because I think you’re talking about two different, though related, things. Like you, I think most people would (and should) support Marissa Mayer’s personal experience as a new parent. She has an easy baby… well, lucky her!
But, she is a public figure that has broken through the glass ceiling and her statement, indeed her actions, make it difficult for the rest of us to live up to her experience. Are we to believe her baby is easy and that’s that? Does she have help and is she given accommodations that might make her baby seem easy? Are there work environments out there who hear of her easy experience and expect their employees to live up to that model? In other words, is this dialogue around MM opening up the conversation about work and parenthood, or is it shutting it down?
I’m not arguing there is a direct line between MM’s experience and how other moms are treated at work, but I do think public figures have an impact on how roles are imagined to be performed. But that shouldn’t prevent people like MM from having their personal experience supported.
Hear hear! You know what bothered me… The snide comments that it’s only “easy” because she’s not doing the work herself. If she didn’t have a night nanny, it wouldnt be easy! So. What. I’m a stay at home mom and I’d LOVE a night nanny. I’m fairly certain, if I had the money, it wouldn’t make me less of a mom. And I’m just as certain that a “hard baby” would be hard, nanny or no. I wish we’d remember that extra hands for the new mom (paid or not) used to be the norm. The real shame here is that we’ve somehow come up with the notion that “good” mothering (not parenting) happens isolation, and taking help is sign either if weakness, or elitism.
Heidi: a smart distinction and you make some very important points. I guess my feeling is that people (MM included) shouldn’t be muzzled by their privileged positions, ironic as that sounds.
Really? I feel like in the era of the mommy blog we have had enough of highly privileged women’s experiences to last a lifetime, thanks. I’m not knocking Marissa’s right to her own individual experience or even to an easy baby, just her having an always-on microphone through which to tell us lesser beings how great it all is. How about she goes out there and works for legislation for, say, paid parental leave or universal daycare so it can be easier for everyone? Maybe even for those Walmart employee parents whose Board of Trustees she sits on? Now that’s something I’d admire in a highly financially successful woman who is also a mother.
Hi Beth. Agree with the notion that “with great power comes great responsibility,” BUT: I don’t think her brief, honest answer to the question “how’s it all going” is the same as using her “always-on microphone” to lord it over “us lesser beings.”
Seeing a successful working mother advocate for those in less powerful positions is important. But I don’t think it’s her *immediate* responsibility simply because she’s a woman and a mother. No man in her position (successful CEO, new parent) is suddenly in charge of speaking for all new fathers who juggle work and parenting. I would hope that motherhood widens her perspective as a person (safe to say, as it does for most) so that her ability to mentor and advocate grows and deepens, and she uses her microphone well. I would also hope she keeps talking about her life as honestly as she can given her position.
I see this from another angle.
If she were “just another mom” and not one of the most prominent CEOs of a major company + a mom, her having an easy or hard baby wouldn’t be a discussion. The reality is that as a public figure in a high-power position comes a certain responsibility. She has a responsibilty to perform at her job and make her personal life, including having a baby, not be a factor that affects her ability to perform. They hired her for this and the shareholders of yahoo don’t expect her to be sleepy and underperform as she has a newborn keeping her up at night. As a female CEO, there is an added sensitivity to the work-life balance. I think to really make it as a female CEO, you have to downplay your personal life, even moreso than a man would have to. Sad but true. From that perspective, she has chosen to downplay the role of a new baby and chosen to highlight her responsibility to her job (and her responsibilities are arguably greater than the responsibility most of us have to our jobs, as she is the CEO of a public company.) And after all, this article is an interview that she knew would be shared nationally. If she had chosen to align herself more with moms vs. her job, by sharing a more nuanced picture of parenting (because let’s face it, even with an easy baby, especially as a first time mom, it is still challenging to adjust to your new life as a mom), she risked damaging her image as CEO. So she chose to emphasize her responsiblity to her job in this interview. And the reality is, that is what you have to do as a female CEO. It is what is expected. A male CEO would be able to say he has a hard baby, for example, and his ability to perform would not be questioned. But come to think of it, a male CEO would also not be questioned at all about having a new baby. Do I think her quote is a disservice to women and moms? Yes. If I were in her position would I have done the same? Maybe. I’d like to say no but the reality is I have had two jobs where I basically had to pretend my kids didn’t even exist, as that was my work environment as one of the few moms on the team.
Great point, Stephanie. This is one place I have no experience as I have had the luxury of flexible, part-time work throughout my time as a parent. I would love to hear from other mothers in high-level positions…do you feel there is no public, professional way for you to talk about your kids? Are you expected to pretend your kids don’t exist?
Moms can get very competitive, especially about who has the hardest life. Marissa Mayer is just stating her experience with her baby. Maybe her baby is exceptionally easy or maybe Marissa has a different attitude toward parenting. I think that this ‘easy baby’ comment has angered some moms who see Marissa as having it all, so why does she also get an easy baby on top of that.
I’ve had 4 kids and they’ve all varied in terms of difficulty. I am so glad that my first was excessively difficult and colicky for 6 months (in a city where we had no family to assist us and no friends had babies yet). It was probably the worst 6 months of my life. But my husband and I survived and I appreciated how easy my other three kids were in comparison. Now the other kids have been more difficult at later ages. I figure you get hit with it at some point in the kid’s life. So maybe for Marissa that will be the terrible two’s or middle school.
Can moms let each other talk candidly about their experiences without leaping to judgment? Moms spend a lot of time knocking each other down for parenting skills and choices. No mom is perfect, so we should all concentrate on doing our best mothering and helping each other reach that goal.
I do think it depends on the job. Both my positions where I was expected to pretend my kids weren’t a factor were in finance and that manifested in different ways. In one, I could really not mention my kids ever (office culture) and when I was pregnant in our annual party photo, someone was instructed to stand in front of me so my stomach didn’t show (yes, really!). In the second, any hour I took to go to a school thing was calculated down to the minute. Although on one hand they gave lip service to being “family-friendly,” the reality was totally different. And want to know the really unfortunate part? Both of those bosses were female. They were FAR less understanding about work-life balance and my children than any male boss I had. I’d like to think my case is an exception (I really hope so as someone who considers herself very much a feminist) but I have no idea.
I currently work in finance still but for a fantastic company where I very much talk about my kids and take time to go to every school function I wish (my boss is also male–again, I’m not sure if this is a factor but it has been my experience sadly). I am home for dinner 98% of the time. It was my requirement for accepting any new position and something I made clear in the interview process. I also made it clear in the interview process in job #2 (after my bad experience at the first) but the reality was different.
I’d be curious to hear from other working moms in demanding careers about this too!
Looks like my comment placement got a little messed up. That reply was supposed to be in reply to Asha’s comment! Thanks!
Spot on commentary here, Asha! Absolutely spot on!
I’d dare say speculating that she’s intentionally downplaying her personal life in an effort to appease shareholders is as dangerous and callous as attacking her for saying she has an “easy baby” to begin with.
I also had an “easy baby” who turned into an “easy child” and is now and “easy tween”. Like you I wouldn’t term her “easy” anymore. Over the years I’ve come up with more pointed descriptors, but her temperament would not be more or less what it is if I were in any other industry. She is what she is and I’d hate to think I’d be pummeled to making some kind of strategic play by saying so.
The other fact of the matter is that motherhood, regardless of the temperament of the child, *is* easier on some women than on others. Some women have a knack for handling more, taking things more in stride, are less prone to stress and anxiety, etc. Resources, of course, also help and Marisa has many at her disposal, making her more likely to be one of those women.
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I couldn’t agree with you more, Asha. Thanks for this well-written piece. We absolutely do need to support each other more!
Perhaps all she had heard were the nightmares and horror stories about how hard, how tired, how challenging things were for others. In that light, if she did have a baby that nursed easy, a fast recovery from a normal delivery, and a newborn that slept three to four hour stretches at night, it would be easy to say, “I have an easy baby.” We need the good and the bad stories to create a realistic picture of what motherhood is about. And once we have a realistic view, we won’t have to use terms like “easy” or “difficult” to describe our babies.
I know this comment is late. I hope someone sees it. I agree we should not judge or begrudge some one who says their baby is easy. Some babies are easy. My daughter scheduled like a dream. was an The problem with Mayer is not one of judgement, it is a perception of dishonesty, because she is most clearly not taking anywhere near full time care of that child. If you sit in an office, even a home office, and someone does your housekeeping, laundry, dishes only hands you the child to feed or sooth, can keep the child away or quiet when you are on the phone, it is easy. I could be wrong, but she was not up all night with a vomiting or ill child and presented to the Yahoo board the next day. If so, not more than once, at minimum may be she should acknowledge someone else, even her husband, for some assistance. Also, all children, once they are verbal and moving and not sleeping like a newborn require specific and direct attention, where they know they are more valuable to their parents than the external world. Even Hillary Clinton discusses this and how she always made time for chelsea. That is on the child’s needs and timing, not yours, and that is most definitely never easy. Particularly if you really are doing it with out help,