Do Your Kids Need Religion?
Our motley crew of holiday decorations includes a Star of David, a menorah, Buddha, various Hindu goddesses, Santa stockings, nutcrackers and Ultraman.
It’s the time of year many barely-to-nonreligious parents wonder if they’re doing wrong by their kids by leading mostly secular lives. Religion is good for kids, some say, even if they’re not entirely sure why.
Santa vs. Jesus: joking aside, is it true? Do kids need religion?
I can’t say definitively whether your kids need religion, of course, because the answer is so personal and culturally-specific. I can, however, tell you what my experience has been as a non-religious person who has chosen to make space for religion in our family life.
I’m Jewish. My mom is Jewish, of Eastern European descent (my dad’s not Jewish). Our only observance growing up was lighting Hanukkah candles, eating dinner at Nana’s on Passover, and knowing which celebrities were Jewish (hello, Mr. Shatner and Mr. Nimoy!). No praying, no God, no synagogue, no Hebrew, no bat mitzvah. I was one of a handful of Jewish kids in my school. The High Holidays, as Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) are called, were bits of trivia on the calendar. I knew they were Jewish holidays, but I wasn’t sure what one did to celebrate them. Turns out you don’t celebrate Yom Kippur…you fast all day.
Being non-religious has never been a problem for me, not then, not now. But when both of my kids turned four, they started asking about death. They each grappled with their mortality, and mine, in their own very different ways. I suddenly realized I wanted to answer them with something more than a lecture that began with: “Well, kids, some people believe…” followed by a survey of different faiths. I wanted them to know what their ancestors believed. It didn’t really matter that I didn’t believe all the details.
We joined a synagogue when my oldest was ten, spurred on because of his interest in a bar mitzvah. We had attended my niece’s bat mitzvah — the first in three generations of our family — and he was deeply impressed and moved by the occasion (as were we all).
My kids have been attending Sunday school ever since, and my son is studying Hebrew in preparation for his own bar mitzvah next Fall. I’ve learned a lot about Judaism simply by participating with them, and opening my mind to a wider conception of religion, spirituality, and ritual.
I’m still not religious, but at least I know more about what it means to be Jewish, and my kids do, too. When they move out into the world, they’ll have an identity to either embrace or push against. But at least there won’t be a question mark in the “religion” slot.
Turns out, for me as a parent, the most valuable thing so far about religion hasn’t been that we now have answers to the big questions. It’s that we now have regular opportunities to ask the big questions, and people with whom to discuss them.
I’d love to know what part (including none) religion plays in your family life. Do your kids want answers about your family’s spiritual beliefs?
Asha Dornfest is the co-author of Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More By Doing Less and publisher of Parent Hacks, a site crammed with tips for making family life easier.
I’m atheist but I still appreciate ritual and tradition – I think it’s something we as humans crave. (Joseph Campbell has some great books about this!) I was raised in a dumb religion with no holidays or traditions so I only wish I had a cool background like yours to draw from! I kinda celebrate whatever I want now but it’s not the same as having a legacy. I don’t think the dogma is necessary for kids (or anyone hah) but the feeling of belonging and community, from these traditions of holidays and coming of age rituals, seems like a human need.
I love what you said about religion giving you and your family the opportunity to ask and explore the big questions. I grew up in the Christian church with plenty of ritual and liturgy (meh), but as a teenager and adult, wrestling with the questions has led me not to embrace a religion, but to experience God. Having a relationship with God is a thing that’s hard to describe, but it’s invaluable to me, and I want to help my children have the same opportunity to discover God in their own ways.
I grew up without (much) religion and I felt lost. You can’t choose to reject something you don’t know, nor did I know what my options were to find something that fit me. BUT, my parents had answered the big questions with information like you mentioned, “Well, some people believe x and some people believe y…” and I realized that I like the smorgasbord of faith. We have become active members in a Unitarian Universalist Congregation. I believe that most faiths have the same goals in mind and that the intent is to teach our children love, tolerance, compassion… how to be a good person. When my own kids ask the big questions, I tell them what I believe and then tag on, “and as you grow up you can decide if you believe that too.”
I agree completely with Lola. I was raised by a atheist father and spiritual/non-relgious mother. We never had a problem discussing the big issues. I think that atheists often think about such things more than most religious people.
As far as tradition goes, I’m a fan of making your own traditions for your own family. That’s one of joys of starting your own family is initiating your own traditions.
(my comment isn’t showing, so I’ll repost later if it doesn’t show up) Meanwhile, I just read this: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/faithbased/2008/12/no_reason_for_the_season.html
I expected the usual religious nonsense when I first saw the title of this article. Thankfully, this is very well written and sensible.
My wife and I are non-religious, but we follow the tenants of Taoism and participate in some of the rituals involved with its practice. Our two-year old isn’t yet to a place where she is asking the “big questions,” but I’m comfortable, as she gets older, in letting her explore the spiritual and religious parts of life.
Something we will certainly talk to her about is where religions come from, how the stories came about, and what religion really is and means. I found this site: http://www.truthbeknown.com/dionysus.html#.UMdsH-R1qwW a couple of days ago and while I knew there were some similarities between deities, it is a fascinating and eye-opening read.
our traditions are mainstream america. we celebrate thanksgiving by discussing gratitude and eating turkey with family. we celebrate christmas by hunting for and decorating trees, house and cookies. we gift and accept gifts and eat together on christmas afternoon. we celebrate easter by hunting for plastic eggs filled with surprises and eat together as a family. our traditions are intact and in line with what our families have done for generations, here or abroad. we keep the innocuous stuff. but we leave out santa, we leave out easter bunny, we leave out god. it’s just not a part of who we are. we chose truth and simplicity for our children.
I am LOVING these comments. So interesting. Thank you. I can’t wait to dig into the links you’re sharing as well.
Atheist here, married to a Catholic. Our 4.5-year-old is asking about religion, and we’re answering him honestly. She’s telling him what she believes, I’m telling her what I believe. My wife wants to take him to Catholic mass and CCD classes. I’m not a fan and I disagree completely, but if he expresses interest we’ll send him. That having been said, when he asks me what I think on such matters I’m going to tell him what I honestly believe, which is going to directly contradict what he’s been learning in class.
We’ll see how it goes, but I think he’ll be all the better from being exposed to both sides.
My opinion: kids can only benefit from an honest discussion with parents about this stuff, even when beliefs don’t match. Most kids can handle contradiction (when they’re a bit older at least) and it gives them permission to dig into their own beliefs (assuming that’s what one wants, as opposed to unquestioning faith).
I have grew up with the religious spirit side. What happens is we focus on all the rules set by the religious leaders that we know we can’t acheieve without God. What we need is a relationship with Jesus Christ. to me religion is about trying to earn your salvation by works and following the rules set before you. but we neglect our relationship with Jesus Christ. remember the pharisees they were religious following rules they made but they did not know Jesus and didn’t have a relationship with him.
As adults, my wife and I left a religion which our parents (and siblings, and grandparents, etc) all take very seriously and now hold beliefs on the atheistic spectrum.
We’ve chosen to keep things very respectful and explain that this is a huge universe, and it’s a stretch for any of us to understand any small parts of it, let alone the big picture — so we have to make the best choices we can given what we know, and understand that other people are making other choices. When we’re at our parent’s, saying a prayer for a meal is just what we do there, and they already get the differences. These differences will probably give us a lifetime of fodder to discuss “the big things”.
One thing we’ve talked about is introducing some philosophical ideas and practices in place of what often are considered the domain of religion. When leaving religion I found http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614 very helpful, and that started a broader exploration. Many of these ideas are very applicable to the trials of childhood and adolescence.
I was raised Catholic and don’t have any hard feelings about how I was raised. There are aspects that I find beautiful. Some of the saint stories are lovely. The Mass itself is like one long prayer. The social rules and discrimination of the Church turned me away.
When my husband and I had our first child, we started thinking about attending some sort of church or something. We attended different services, but I longed for the sense of beauty I remembered as a child during Mass. We found a Church, Episcopal, female priests, open to everyone no matter straight or gay etc. The liturgy suited us. So far the lessons that this church has preached are about helping your neighbors and the poor and striving to be good. There’s no fire and brimstone talk yet. Our child loves going and enjoys it so much. I feel like it gives a sense of direction and ceremony for him.
I’m not saying one has to attend a church or temple or any organize religion to have that sense of direction and ceremony, but it has worked for us.
“Longed for the sense of beauty.” Yes! Sometimes we need a physical experience to get us to a different mental/spiritual place. The beautiful space, the music, the smells…that can transport you and provide a refuge from the daily grind, even if the specifics of the service don’t all fit.
I’m Jenna and I’m a Mormon. Religion is critical to children’s up bringing to both answer “the big questions” and as a foundation for good ethics.
I know that I lived in heaven as a spirit before I came to earth. I know that I came to be tested, tried and to show that without regard to personal comfort or circumstances, that I would be faithful to what God asks of me. I am grateful for Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer and I feel His help daily. I know that after I die, my spirit will return to heaven and to friends and family whom I love as I eagerly await the judgement day and resurrection where my perfected body will be reunited with my spirit.
Without this knowledge, I would feel unmoored and insecure. Although my children have their right to choose (we call that agency) I want to do everything I can to teach them how to have a relationship with God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. This will help them feel the same peace and security that I have found as they move throughout their lives.
There is only one way for my kids to know these things as I know them. They must pray and ask God what is true. God loves each of us and will reveal this truth to us individually.
Thanks, Jenna — I appreciate gaining insight into the very active role religion plays in your family life. I used to marvel at that security as a child; growing up I had many friends whose families were religious. I was fascinated when I’d eat dinner with a family that said grace before dinner…religion for them was direct and immediate as opposed to being a concept.
I am sooo thankful for your post! I have been dealing with the same situation. My husband and I were raised Christian, but found that the two of us aren’t religious. Up until recently, we haven’t been faced with any questions from our children. My youngest two, ages seven and eight, are asking a lot of questions regarding the birth of Christ and it hit me that I never shared with them the religious values my husband and I were taught. We just started going to a church a few months ago and they are beginning to get their questions answered. Though we are still not religious, I must admit my family enjoys the fellowship and friendship with other families and I am learning how to answer and give a better explanation to their questions besides, ” Uhm…well…”.
I am always fascinated by this question. I grew up in a non-religious family but was baptized and confirmed cause it was the thing you did. I never got any answers to the big questions and felt very lost. From the time I was a teen, I felt a hunger to learn about all religions. I consider myself to be very spiritual, but not in any particular religion because I have never been able to choose one. As another commenter said, all religions share similar values. I married a guy who is religious (he’s Muslim). People always equate being religious with being closed-minded or conservative. Muslims especially suffer from this stereotype in the West but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Because I love the central tenets of his religion, especially the focus on social justice and helping the less fortunate along with many other Islamic concepts, and I don’t want my kids to grow up directionless like me, we are raising them with his religion and with my beliefs as well (although mine are very similar to his, just with some meditation thrown in which is pretty similar to prayer, even though we don’t share the same faith). We also celebrate Christmas, culturally though, not religiously.
Above all, I think raising them with a connection to God can only help them, especially when they go through hard times in life. I always had a sense there was something greater than me, but had no connection to God and I didn’t know how to cultivate one. I hope we can provide our kids with this. I also think rituals are important for children and religions have so many beautiful rituals associated with them that also connect you to a larger community and the world (and sure, you can also develop rituals without religion too). It’s another way to make you feel connected and grounded. Ultimately, they can choose their own faith (or no faith) when they are older.
Because of our big network of friends from different religions, we also celebrate a lot of the Jewish holidays. My kids think it’s normal to celebrate Ramadan, Eid, Yom Kippur and Christmas as well as holidays from other cultures like Day of the Dead. And I love that! I think it will ultimately make them so much more aware of those around them in the world, both those who are similar and different. Above all, we hope we are raising them with understanding, tolerance and compassion.
Joshua Barrett, I think those words about other faiths/faith itself are amazing.
I tried to comment up there that I found Joshua Barrett’s words about faith or the lack thereof amazingly smart.
I was raised with no religion at all. My partner is clergy, and I brought my daughter and myself into her church, which is a very progressive Episcopal one. I have come to believe that religion provides a scaffolding for the big questions — a way to ask them and some provisional answers, but mostly it asks them in the first place. The rituals are beautiful. And the compassion people have for one another, the work they do on behalf of individuals and of social justice, is unmatched by any other context I have ever been in, including activist contexts. Church is also the ONE place where I see millionaires and homeless people being actual friends. So I’ve come to believe that it’s very important for my kid, and that I myself had very little traction for rejecting or embracing religion and therefore could easily have been a judgy rejecter of all people of faith, or a judgy fundamentalist. This way, my child can choose her own faith, someone else’s, or no faith, based on some knowledge of what practicing a religion looks like.
Thanks for the kind words, Beth!
For us it was a question of “what’s more important, the ideas, or our relationships with our family?” And family comes first as long as integrity can also be there. I couldn’t fake a religion that I didn’t hold — that would be a terrible example for my kids, I thought — but we also love our family way too much to let that be the division between us. I’m grateful that our family (not without some trauma) decided to love us back. I know many people in our shoes aren’t so fortunate.
The only scars that come along with the good sides of religion are when it does tie back to the “truth claims” of that religion too much. There are people (like some I grew up with) who honestly believe that the world is 6,000 years old and homosexuality is an abomination and that the end of the world is any day now and that friendship with the world is emnity with God and that contraception is sinful and…. many other things. And they believe that based on a good-faith, high integrity effort to interpret the bible (or other holy scriptures.) And when you genuinely believe that not only are those things true, but that your salvation is conditional on practicing those things, being a lightstand, and mapping those truths and values onto your children, it can yield pretty horrible results.
It’s hard (but I doubt impossible) to find an institution which brings all the good things of religion — without the hard-to-argue-for-rationally “truth claims” — together, though. The music, the community, the ceremony, the generosity you speak of, the prompt to go to another elevation on a weekly basis. It’s available in bits and pieces in lots of secular ways, but it’s hard to replace it.
We’ve been getting out in nature a lot more, though, and a quiet walk in the woods with your kids can feel pretty churchy.
I figure that my kiddo looks to me to be honest. If I present religious claims as facts in the same manner as fire can burn you, I think I undermine that trust. So, my take is to enjoy cultural things like making hamentashen, playing dreidle, frying latkes and those fun things. Sharing the stories is great too and I love the fascinating conversations afterwards. Kids are used to fantasy and they’re used to stories often having a mixture of the real and the unreal. But, I would not tell my kid that god is real and then leave it up to him to decide if he believes me when he grows up. I think it makes much more sense to let them make their own choices, but not present religion as the nature of the world. My parents never officially said god was real, but that was certainly what was communicated. I became much more religious than they were and it really messed with my thinking. It was even worse when I found out they didn’t believe in god and just thought religion was a good, supportive community for raising children. These ideas are powerful and if your kid things you are endorsing them as real and THE way to be good, it has life changing effects.
Thank you for this article and all the comments. I am very much agnostic and have often been atheist for large parts of my life, and yet spiritual in my own private way. I see benefits in organized religion for kids and adults, but at the same time I am leery of religion given all the bad that is done in God’s name here and around the world. Unfortunately often the bad overshadows the immense good that is done. I am struggling with what to teach my children (3 and 5), especially since we live in a very religious area. My son is hearing snippets about religion from his classmates and friends. So far I have been explaining with the “some people believe”, but that feels insufficient to me. I also know that if we don’t teach them, they will learn from others without having the foundation laid by us that they must think critically and make their own choices. I too feel like a hypocrite to attend a church. It is time for me to start addressing these issues and this was a timely article. Thank you.
I struggle with the truth claims of religion, too, since I really don’t believe them. But they are, at base, metaphors and allegories, and whether or not they happened historically is much less important than what you can do with them. The fact that people have done evil things with them isn’t unique to religion — think about what people have done in the name of Marxism or genetics or other more supposedly truth-based ideas. I think I decided that exposure to the rituals, symbols, metaphors and allegories could not, all by itself, poison my kid’s mind.
I just had a child, she is now 2 months old. I have been an atheist all my life but I am very surprised in how I want to teach my child about religion. I am more connected to earth and nature, and my partner is catholic. I want to teach her what I believe and what he believes. I have read and thank everyone for their comments. I believe teaching both is best. I still believe in things the church believes in, such as being a good person and helping less fortunate, so I think it would make sense if I could go to church and let her know that no one knows the answers to everything, everyone believes in something and it is a journey for each individual to travel.
Melo: I am actually much like what you describe. I am an agnostic/atheist with two small children who wants to teach them right and not have them absorb the hateful kind of teachings the dominant religion of our community preaches. Earlier this year I discovered the Unitarian Universalist church, and I would recommend that to you as well if you want a church that you would not feel hypocritical attending. I worried that I would feel the same way. But I was honest with myself, my spouse, and the church members (when it came up), and I am not there for religion but rather for community and for other adults and children who will help reinforce the good things I want my children to learn. All are welcome. It’s a bit difficult to sum up quickly so if you’re interested in learning more, try http://www.uua.org/
Ms Dornfest: First of all, thank you for Parent Hacks! I love it and it has been invaluable to me!
I enjoyed reading about your and your family’s personal journey with religion and the holidays. However, your first paragraph bothered me. I wish that, rather than saying that “many” parents wonder if they are doing the wrong thing and believe that “religion is good for kids”, you had said that that is the case for YOU, if it is. You made a generalization that does not actually apply to many non-religious families, and I worry that you might further the misconceptions of people such as Jenna Wood, above (only for a recent example, nothing personal against Ms Wood) — people who feel that atheists and other secular families cannot have or teach “good ethics” or how to “answer the big questions”, and that they certainly must feel lost, when that is simply not true. My husband and I are certainly good, ethical, moral people without God, and our children can be too, and we do not feel lost nor do I wonder if we are doing the wrong or feel that people “need” religion.
Hi Heather. Thanks for catching what was perhaps too wide a generalization and stating it so well. I would edit to say that “many parents I’ve talked to…” because that’s actually the case. But parents I’ve talked to aren’t representational of parents in general, and I should have been clearer about that. I hope it IS clear that I do NOT think religion is a prerequisite for ethics or morals, nor a necessary framework for talking about ethical or moral issues.
I was raised as a Christmas/Easter Catholic. My dad was a science teacher(so I learned the scientific method at a very young age), and I truly believed in Santa Claus for longer than I believed in God. I mean there was proof of Santa every Christmas morning under the tree and in my stocking. Where was the proof of God? I refused to make my confirmation at 11 and my parents supported my decision, although I later found out that my dad had to convince my mom to let me quit CCD.
I have a 9 year old son and an 2 year old daughter. My husband is a militant atheist(he was raised by an evangelical Christian mother and rebeled). I am a much nore laid back agnostic atheist. You believe what you want, I’ll believe what I want, and as long as you don’t force your beliefs, on me, my kids, or public policy and law, I couldn’t care less.
My son started asking questions in preschool(its really sad that the most secular preschool program we could find for him was at the YMCA) when they said a prayer before snack every day. He’d heard Grace said before Holiday meals before, but never on a regular basis. We answered him honestly(my husband let me take the lead). When he was old enough we got him the book In the Beginning: Creation Stories From Around the World by Virginia Hamilton. It treats Genisis the same way it treats Ancient Greek mythology and everything between. It’s a wonderful book. In Kindergarten we bought a slew of picture books about the religious holidays: Hannakuh, Christmas, Ramadan, and a book that discussed even older religions and their winter festivals of light. He thought all the stories sounded just as silly as the toys in Toy Story coming to life at night.
He knows to be respectful of his friends and classmates beliefs, but now he’s more socially and politcally aware. He is not going to bridge from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts at the end of the year because he does not like their exclusionary policies on gay people and atheists. He told us he didn’t want to have to lie to earn Eagle Scout, so he wasn’t going to even try. Have I mentioned how proud I am of him? I’m proud of him for thinking critically for himself. I would be proud of him if he had decided to pursue a religion. He has gone to services with friends and family members over the years, but it’s not for him.
We find our sense of community, not from religion, but from the others areas of the community that we participate in. I consider the members of the local community theatre to be family. When someone is sick or dies, we’re all their for them. The smae can be said of the regular volunteers and staff at the Historic Mansion in town. Most atheists are firm in their non-belief and don’t wonder if we’re doing the wrong thing. We know we’re doing the right thing by raising free-thinkers.
Megan: I loved reading your comment, especially what you have to say about where and how you find your community. It’s all too easy, in this overscheduled, modern life, never to take the time to find one’s like-minded tribe. It took conscious effort to find your community theater and historic mansion and even more to become engaged with the place and the people. As it took our conscious effort to join a synagogue, and ongoing commitments of time and money to participate. My kids (my son especially) are attached to history and ancestry, so the Jewish/cultural aspect has been important for them. But that too was a choice — after all, I’m also Indian. They have yet to learn about their grandfather’s religion (Jainism) or about life in India. We’re making plans for a trip.
Thanks Asha. I know the Jewish Religion is very different from the Roman Catholic(and evangelical Christian) religion. Like I said, to each their own. My son also loves history and our cultural(non-religous) heritage. We’re Slovenian, and he helps me make potica every year at Christmas and Easter. He is fascinated by the mansion, and has come with me on 3 or 4 tours already this year. It does take a lot of effort to find your tribe, whether its a church, a community theatre, or some other volunteer organization. But it is worth the effort. That’s wonderful that you’re planning a trip to expose your kids to the rest of their cultural heritage. I love that you followed your son’s interests and desires in choosing a synagogue.
I was brought up an unobservant HIndu. I grew up uncomfortable with organized religion mostly because being female in all religions meant one was a second class citizen. (Oh, do you have your period? You don’t belong in the temple because you’re dirty.) I ended up marrying a Jewish man, to whom religion was very important. We had two girls and a boy (last) so it was important to me, if I was going to make this happen for him, that my religious flavor was female empowering. We joined a synagogue with an awesome female rabbi. I never converted. My kids will think being Jewish means you get an equal share in the religion. We de-emphasize the violence and the xenphobia. We emphasize tolerance, love, and caring, as well as celebrating our life as a Jewish family. I know there is a lot of yuck in all religions. But we are the gateway. We can choose to pass down the good stuff. The fantastic thing about life is you get to choose without dissing anyone else’s garden. My kids will learn that, and maybe they’ll stick with our garden, or maybe not. But either way, they’ll be good peeps.
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