Are “minimalist” parents lazy parents?
I’m enjoying the conversation around Pamela Druckerman’s new book, Bébé Day by Day: 100 Keys to French Parenting. It’s the followup to the bestseller Bringing Up Bébé, in which she explored the differences between French and American parenting as observed by the differences she noticed between French and American children.
In “What Everyone Can Learn From Lazy French Mothers,” Pamela examines Parisian mothers’ attitudes toward the “hassle” of extracurricular activities. The women she spoke to had no intention of clogging family life with endless driving and events at the cost of homework, free time and even boredom. At first this attitude caused her to bristle. But time and research changed things.
Were these French moms selfishly preserving their own leisure time at the cost of their kids’ development? Several years, and a whole lot of research (and Parisian parenting) later, I feel I can safely say: probably not.
There’s more to her point in the piece (and certainly in her books) and I hope you’ll click over and read the whole post. What it brought up for me, though, is an interesting backlash I’m beginning to sense among modern American parents — at least those on the Internet.
I’m hearing parents refer to their reasonable steps back as “lazy.” Conversely, I’m also noticing parents apologizing for their enthusiastic involvement, as if it brands them as one of those parents.
Obviously, overscheduling and overparenting are on my mind. Christine’s and my book Minimalist Parenting is about how to dial back the anxiety and intensity so many of us feel around parenting these days. But when becoming a minimalist parent inspires shame and guilt, or when doing the opposite creates embarrassment…aren’t we still in a bind?
I have found that the best, healthiest parenting takes confidence. Confidence in my ability to figure out what’s important to my family, confidence in the face of other families’ different choices, and confidence that I can find my way through the cultural pressure to constantly do more.
My parenting confidence took a long time to develop. Oddly enough it got the biggest boost when times were hardest. For years mine was the kid screaming in the grocery aisle or throwing sand at the playground. Mine was the one prompting calls from the principal and raised eyebrows at family gatherings. I learned, after much anguish, that others’ opinions, while often well-meaning, didn’t count as much as my own when it came to parenting.
Things are better now. Things are great. What’s left from those hard years is a feeling of freedom to engage as a parent in a way that feels right for me. When I jump into organizing my daughter’s class Halloween party I’m not worried I look like a helicopter parent…I’m having too much fun to think about it because my daughter and I happen to love Halloween. When I turn down the opportunity to volunteer for a school committee I don’t feel like a “slacker,” I know there are other ways to help that are a better fit for my life.
As Pamela says:
Perhaps our mistake in America isn’t all those tennis lessons. It’s being so focused on outcomes, we’ve forgotten that the quality of the 18 or so years we spend living en famille matters too.
I couldn’t agree more.
Asha Dornfest is the co-author of Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More By Doing Less and publisher of Parent Hacks, a site crammed with tips for making family life easier.
Hi Asha,
Sometimes I think my wife and I are the laziest parents of all – but we love it that way. Our kids are enrolled in ONE activity each, which – with very rare exceptions – occupies them for one evening per week. My son also has piano lessons once a week – the teacher comes to our house. Even the one activity each they DO have, we generally won’t hesitate to cancel if, oh, I don’t know, it’s really cold outside.
We’ve long stop worrying about it. We’re even encouraged by our laziness everytime we see other parents stressed out and running around with their kids.
Of course, if our kids end up being recluses tangled in apron strings, the last laugh will be on us.
We’ll talk in 15 years.
I absolutely consider myself a “lazy” parent, but I don’t feel any guilt about it (nor do I associate any negative connotations to the word “lazy”). As you say, I think a lot of it boils down to confidence and putting energy in to the things that really matter to us and to our kids. I consider myself to be one of the least crafty people I know. I feel no guilt about buying Valentine’s cards. Instead, I choose to expend my time and energy on things that both I (and my kids) can enjoy- like cooking or riding bikes together.
I think you mean lazy, in the judgmental, sloth-like sinful sense, and parents who use it to describe themselves mean it as shorthand for “I’m not one of those crazy, over-involved, hyper-scheduling parents.” Lazy as a badge of honor.
As for lazy in the traditional sense, to say any parent is lazy, is an oxymoron. Parenting is so demanding, it’s impossible to do it and be lazy. For absentee parents, that is something else altogether, well beyond the realm of laziness.
What strikes me about your post, is how the title undermines the point you are trying to make in the post itself. I agree self-confidence being the best inoculation to the judgements of others. It helps you not care when you are, in fact, judged, but even more importantly, it helps keep the imagined slings & arrows to a minimum. I think our imagination about what other people’s expressions or words mean creates more judgements than actually exist.
So I am left wondering why your title appears to be judging other parents. Wouldn’t a more apt title be, “What do parents mean when they refer to themselves as “lazy parents?”
I think the title is perfect. It is what drew me to the post in the first place instead of skipping it like I tend to do. Most titles are meant to provoke even if you find them a bit misleading in the end, it served it’s purpose. It got to you to read. On that note, my kid does ballet for 30 mins on Monday and only because she asked me if she could. I would love for her to do X, Y and Z but it is up to her and if the time and budget allows it. I let her wear what she wants and brush her hair when it is suits her, call me “lazy” but I have one of the happiest kids on the block.
Hi Lisa, and thank you for the thoughtful comments. My (arguably failed) attempt with the title was to get people to think about their own self-judgements, not to judge others. My point is that I’m hearing people refer to THEMSELVES as lazy, and not in the proud, “own it” way. People don’t want to overparent, but they’re afraid that by pulling back they’re “underparenting.”
As for “lazy parent” being an oxymoron, I agree wholeheartedly.
I’ve often referred to myself as a slacker parent since my oldest was born. When my friends with babies were showing off this month’s professional portraits, it was an easy way to affirm them while dodging larger philosophical differences.
I would rather people think I do what I do because I find it the path of least resistance than constantly revisit our fundamental differences in world views. A simple, self-deprecating answer deflects larger issues (ones I fundamentally believe, but do not constantly need to evangelize).
Similarly, when it is mentioned that my kid’s development exceeds another child’s, I always point out any age difference (if it favored my child) or respond with something about their child that impresses me.