A month ago, I listed a whole new set of snarky Amazon reviews, because they are pretty much the best thing ever and totally justify the existence of the Internet in every way. It was so much fun that I’m dipping into that well a third time.
Why? Because there are SO many. And because it’s hard to choose. And because: iPad toilet paper stand, y’all.
A few more hilarious reviews from Amazon 1 of 9
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CTA Digital Pedestal Stand for iPad with Roll Holder 2 of 9
"Brilliant! Replaces my clumsy tv tray, which didn't match my bathroom decor. I can now Skype (hands-free!) instead of trying to juggle a cell phone. Eliminates the need for a stack of magazines (unsanitary!). You can get a "Mirror" App from iTunes, great for doing my makeup in the morning! I do wish it had a cup holder, and maybe a basket or tray of sorts to hold a bag of popcorn, chicken nuggets, french fries, bowl of soup, etc. I watch a lot of streaming tv and movies, and I had to knock off one star because after 30 minutes or so my legs start to fall asleep and I have to stand and shake my legs for a few minutes to get the circulation going. But the "neck" of this stand is adjustable, so I just raise it while I'm standing, lower it when I sit back down. My toddler son LOVES THIS for potty-training with Angry Birds!" [Amazon review]
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs book 3 of 9
Accoutrements Horse Head Mask 4 of 9
"When I turned State's Witness, they didn't have enough money to put me in the Witness Protection Program, so they bought me this mask and gave me a list of suggested places to move. Since then, I've lived my life in peace and safety knowing that my old identity is forever obscured by this life-saving item." [Amazon review]
"It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air flow for them either." [Amazon review]
"I live among them, they have no idea I'm human. Nothing beats the experience of running with the herd, sure I'm a little slow, but the other day Starflower looked my way and winked, it could of just been a fly but it felt like so much more."[Amazon review]
BIC Crystal for Her Ball Pen 5 of 9
"Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip, and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approachable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair, and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with." [Amazon review]
Hair Salon Designer Water Spray 6 of 9
"I remember years ago, when I bought water bottle after water bottle, trying to get a fine mist of spray. None of them worked. Now, I find this bottle on Amazon, and it works REALLY well! I eat a lot of air-popped popcorn, and I needed something to spray on the cooked popcorn so that the cheese powder would stick. Before, I was eating the dry popcorn with the dry cheese seasoning, but once the popcorn was close to my mouth, the seasoning would just go into my nose and lungs. This made me cough every time I ate a handful of popcorn.
Now, as the popcorn is coming out of the popper, I spray a light mist of water, and then sprinkle some cheese powder on top. The Cheese powder now sticks to the popcorn, and the powder tastes more like cheese now. So, I give this product 5 stars!" [Amazon review]
Dr. Tung’s Tongue Cleaner, Stainless Steel 7 of 9
"I have been an avid Amazon shopper for years. Never once have I (selfishly) written a review for a product. After purchasing this simple tongue scraper, tonight I am ending that streak.
Before today, my tongue had (unknowingly) never seen the light of day. That's right. For YEARS, my tongue had been a whitish-covered organ. It was more white-covered than pink. It looked like it had been born permanently stained with streaks of vanilla ice cream (as long as I can remember).
I thought I was just born "different". But deep down, I secretly envied the wet, pink, glistening tongues of others. Over the years and with countless attempts of desperation, I scrubbed and scrubbed my tongue with the fronts and backs of toothbrushes, all to no avail. I resigned myself that I would always be a freak, I would always be the outcast with a white-splotched tongue.
I skeptically opened the tongue cleaner and went into the bathroom. Sure, I had read all of the other ecstatic reviews, but I was different. Momma didn't raise a boy with no pink tongue, no sir, and there was no way it would change now.
I almost chuckled at the absurdity of even trying this, as I raised the scraper into my mouth. "I've been through this so many times, so many years...", I thought.
I opened my mouth and rested the scraper at the back of my tongue, giving myself one last look, almost as if to say "It's ok Stewart, one day others will judge you not by the color of your tongue but by the flavor of your breath." But then I remembered that my breath was probably caused by my tongue, and cried.
I shook my head as I looked at myself, giving me lonesome one last sorrowful look, trying to let myself down easy ... and started scraping.
As I pulled the gentle scraper down across my tongue, I couldn't believe my eyes.
"What is that??" I asked myself. It continued piling up on the scraper, I dare not describe its feature. More and more, it continued to pile up ... Was not my tongue in its barren and dry state just a moment ago? Wherefore doth this infernal material spring forth from? What manner of sorcery does this device command?!
The scraper rolled off my tongue, my eyes following it down the mirror as I lowered it to the sink, washing off what I thought must have been residual dragon saliva, hiding in the nether caves of my taste budduals.
I looked back up to the mirror, into the nefarious cave of the mouthlock, the home of the white wildebeest.
"What is this ... Are not my eyes deceiving me?? Dothfore I not see a pinkish-red plain that was therefore not there before???!"
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. I HAD FINALLY UNCOVERED WHAT MY SOUL HAS CRIED FOR FOR YEARS — A PINKISH-RED TONGUE!
I was freaking out of my mind. I put the scraper back in and started scraping like a bug-eyed Californian gold miner in 1848, giggling gleefully as I hopped up and down with childish delight. Scrape, scrape, scrape — the sins of my tongue coming off with each gentle scrape.
I probably scraped for almost five minutes. When I finally cleared it all, I stood there in front of the mirror with my big ol' tongue hanging out like Lassie's on a hot summer day. I was laughing and shaking my head, watching that big beautiful pink tongue that had shamed me for so many years laugh and play in his pinkish-red wonderland.
Maybe I'm going a bit overboard here. But I just can't get enough — I have literally been going into the bathroom JUST to unfurl my tongue before the mirror so I can admire it, like rolling out the red carpet to Nirvana, watching it sway back and forth like the pendulum of the divine, with myself still wide-eyed and wondrous of the miracle of Dr Tung.
I'm anxious for tomorrow, when I'll surely be over-zealous in showing off my new "look" to others. I even catch myself pondering how I can garner as much exposure time for my new "pride" as possible. I have visions of me jumping up on my coworkers desks and rolling out my best "Gene Simmons".
I then imagine my colleagues leaning over to each others' cubicles, whispering their shocked surprise — "Goodness gracious, have you seen Stewart today? Something's different about him... Something's different, alright, and whatever it is, I LIKE IT."
[Short version]: BUY THIS SCRAPER. It will take years off your tongue and add them back upon your life.[Amazon review]
Daddle 8 of 9
"The first time I saw the daddle I knew it was the perfect solution for my grandmother to get up her pesky stairs. No longer are we burdened with an expensive mobilized system for her stairs, instead, her gardener straps on the daddle, or it our house we call it the "gradddle" and escorts her up the stairs. Only once has the graddle failed us when she couldn't quite make it to the bathroom in time. Maybe daddle should think about a waterproof version??? I hear Dupont stain master calling?? Any daddle, I would definitely recommend this product for aging relatives. Forget the mobilized scooter or Segway's the graddle is so much more sustainable." [Amazon review]
Hasselblad H3D-39II, Medium Format Digital SLR Camera 9 of 9
"I purchased this camera in lieu of paying rent on my apartment for 4 years, and believe me when I say it was worth it. I used the box that it came in as a hat and some other boxes for a home. It's uncomfortable, but the pictures I've taken of my new home are so sharp that you can see the fleas on the brick I use for a pillow. I can also take high detail pictures of my children (who I am no longer able to see due to court order resulting from gross negligence) from an acceptable distance. Highly recommended!" [Amazon review]