Alice: Hi, we’re the cast of Twilight and we are super excited about the new season of Downton Abbey. Am I right, guys? Who’s with me on being totally conflicted about Edith?
Bella: I’m definitely not a big Edith fan, behavior-wise, but I love her face. Her nose is so . . .
Bella: It bosses her whole head around.
Alice: It’s like an entire Greek army battalion rampaging down her face.
Bella: It demands all my attention, and then the rest of her features just flutter into soft-focus behind it. Her nose makes me feel totally inferior. I have nose-deficit disorder.
Edward: How long did it take from the beginning of this discussion for you to start hating yourself?
Alice: Oh be quiet, Edward. Edward Perfecthair.
Edward: I’m just saying.
Jacob: Could we talk about the plot now?
Bella: Good idea. So, there’s a war, and all the men have to go, and all the women feel all helpless and like they need to learn skills.
Jacob: No, just the women who don’t have any skills feel like that.
Alice: I don’t know. The mom, the Countess — she wore that red velvet gown like it was her job.
Bella: Okay, good point, Jacob. Some of the rich girls want to work and help out, like Sybil wants to be a nurse and bake cakes.
Alice: I was really bummed they didn’t show the cake she made. Was it horrible?
Edward: Well, it’s not like they’re going to serve her freshman effort at the Count’s table. The standards of his dining room can’t be compromised for sentimentality.
Jacob: Dude, you are an incredible snob.
Edward: I killed two Popes with my teeth.
Bella: Oh my God, I thought we weren’t going to keep any secrets from each other!
Jacob: And now you wear painted-on sunglasses.
Alice: I THINK WHAT EDWARD’S TRYING TO SAY is that he is aware of the class differences between Lord Grantham’s family and the people who serve them, and that Sybil’s cake is like a kindergartener’s finger painting, they just don’t have a refrigerator to put it on.
Bella: Exactly, thank you.
Edward: That barely makes sense.
Alice: And Lady Mary is still totally in love with her cousin Matthew, the heir who’s going to get her huge house, but he has a new girlfriend! WTF, how long did that take to happen?
Jacob: He must not have really loved her if he moved on that fast.
Alice: I know, right? And then Dowager Jewel-Tone Gowns, Professor McGonagall, is so mean about the new girl. I mean, she seems nice.
Edward: She’s inferior.
Edward: Some people are just cut from coarser cloth. I’m not judging them.
Edward: You’re such an American, you get upset when someone acknowledges the fact that people aren’t at all created equal, when clearly some people have more valuable talents and skills and ideas than others.
Jacob: Yeah, but sometimes the people WITH talent are the ones serving the people WITHOUT talent.
Bella: Can we talk about the way Thomas stuck his hand up in the air so that the enemy would sniper it? Because that was brutal.
Edward: It was cowardly.
Jacob: Yeah, I have to agree with Sparkles on that.
Edward: Don’t call me Sparkles, Rover.
Alice: But it got him shipped home, and then OMG was he in love with the guy who got blinded by poison gas and then killed himself?!
Bella: Totally. What I want to know is how Matthew can be all, “Look at me, I’m in these incredibly well-constructed trenches!” and then two days later he’s back home drinking Champagne and being all chipper and repressed about Lady Mary. Like, where is this war being fought?
Edward: Have you ever seen a map of Europe?
Jacob: It’s like if Washington went to war against Montana, basically. Plus, they were rotating people in and out of there all the time. And Matthew’s an officer so he . . .
Edward: What. Say it.
Jacob: He gets special treatment! And you’re going to say he deserves it. Because he happened to be born in a castle and he talks like Obi Wan Kenobi.
Edward: He happens to be a gentleman.
Jacob: And MEANWHILE the Lord’s butler, or valet or whatever, Bates, whose insane wife blackmails him into leaving his job . . . basically the only real man in the whole show, gets shafted and loses the love of his life because believing in honor means that he has to hide the truth to protect a family that’s afraid of cake.
Alice: I don’t know, I think Lord Grantham is a real man. I mean, he’s humiliated because he’s too old to fight, but then when the cooks’ nephew gets shot for cowardice he’s such a BAMF. He’s all, “I’ll tell you the truth because you deserve to know, but don’t tell anyone else because they’ll pity you.” He knows how it sucks to be pitied.
Edward: When have you ever been pitied?
Alice: Really? Don’t you ever get that from somebody you’re draining dry? With their last dying breath they’re all, “I pity you!” and then they expire in a self-righteous heap. God, that happens to me all the time.
Edward: Wait, you’re off the synthetic stuff? I thought we all agreed!
Alice: You know, I slip occasionally. Like you said, some people deserve to die.
Jacob: I’m out of here.
Bella: I can’t wait to see what happens next week!