The Lazy Girl's Guide To Health

When I first quit drinking over two and a half years ago (it will be three years on May 22nd) (Hold your applause! Calm yourselves, seriously! This isn’t an AA meeting!), I was under the impression that I was a fairly healthy person living an adequately healthy life, but my plan was to step it up and be an incredibly healthy person. Despite the fact that I am someone who is the indoor type, who loves nothing more than to lie on the couch watching Real Housewives and who can’t think of anything less appealing than a hike, I was going to be the opposite. I was going to instantly be a person who wouldn’t turn her nose up at a kale smoothie. A person who goes for a walk “just because” and a person with perfect bone structure and skinny knees. I was going to rock a miniskirt and have an enviable resting pulse rate.

I know these types of unrealistic expectations are true for a lot of us. Addicts don’t have the monopoly on black and white thinking.

Not long after I put the wine down I realized that I was slowly putting on a few pounds. It turned out that when the booze was out of my life in order to manage my stress I was turning to other things, other not-so-healthy things like sugar. I’d sit on the couch at night all anxiety and clenched jaws wondering how normal people relax. I felt keyed up and uncomfortable and very much in need of Xanax but I knew I couldn’t go there. So I ate dessert. By Halloween of that year I was mainlining candy like it was my job. The kids had to hide their bags from me lest they find only a few linty candy corns and a gummy skeleton. “Where are my mini Snickers mom? I counted twelve of them yesterday!” Elby cried to me one night after dinner. “I think Matilda stole them.”

“No honey. She didn’t.” It would have been easy to let Mattie be the fall guy but, you know, I was working this program of recovery that required rigorous honesty dammit. “I ate them.” Elby stared at me like I just told her she was adopted. It was then I knew that my candy eating was out of control and that I was going to need a different plan -one that didn’t involve trying to do a 180 within twenty four hours.

It turns out that the best way to make changes is slowly, reasonably. I had to give myself goals that I could attain and give myself a break when I messed up. I had to just sit there with fear or uncomfortable feelings at time and wait (an eternity sometimes) for them to pass. They always pass. Before I knew it I felt better, happier and healthier. Although I still have fat knees. Here are a few of my golden suggestions!

  • Drink at least four glasses of water a day. 1 of 10
    Drink at least four glasses of water a day.
    Yes I know it's supposed to be eight but are you ever really going to drink eight? No. So do four. And a caffeine free diet soda can count as one. Yeah, I said that!
  • Go cold turkey on candy. 2 of 10
    Go cold turkey on candy.
    It is totally possible. Sugar is addictive, the more you eat the more you want. Try eating grapes at night while you watch TV. Even if you eat a pound of grapes it's still not as bad as eating a big plate of fudge. Also, get some of that dehydrated fruit. You have to eat about 10 bags but it's still tasty!
  • Forgive yourself. 3 of 10
    Forgive yourself.
    So you cut out sugar and on day two you're making brownies for your daughter's bake sale and you all of a sudden completely lose your mind and eat seven of them. Okay, that sucks but it won't make it better to just say "screw it" and go back to eating crap for another few weeks before you start again. Just put the rest of the brownies away and get back to your plan.
  • Bake some asparagus. 4 of 10
    Bake some asparagus.
    Take a bunch of stalks of asparagus, drizzle them with a little olive oil, salt and pepper and pop them in the oven for awhile. I don't know how long. This isn't a cookbook. Figure it out.
  • Don’t try to cut out caffeine 5 of 10
    Don't try to cut out caffeine
    That's just stupid. And you'll get headaches.
  • Try to think about sex more often. 6 of 10
    Try to think about sex more often.
    Thinking about it can, in some certain instances, lead to having it. And having it can lead to a healthier you!
  • Get some fresh air. 7 of 10
    Get some fresh air.
    When you pick your kid up from school let them play outside for a little bit while you sit and return texts on your phone. Your kid gets exercise, you get fresh air. Win/win, my friend!
  • Get a massage! 8 of 10
    Get a massage!
    This is really for other people because personally I don't like strangers rubbing my body. But I do love a facial so I take my Burke Williams coupons and get my pores opened up and a nice paraffin dip. The effects of that can last for days!
  • Take a multi-vitamin. 9 of 10
    Take a multi-vitamin.
    No need to go to GNC and let some muscle bound freak talk you into a thousand dollars worth of supplements. Just go to Trader Joe's and get a bottle of Women's Once a Days.
  • Swear more often and more creatively. 10 of 10
    Swear more often and more creatively.
    According to some studies I've read, swearing is a natural pain killer. Therefore, calling someone the c-word, even in your head is therapeutic.

I want to thank Brita for sponsoring this post and reminding me to drink my water!


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Article Posted 4 years Ago
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