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The Longest Two Minutes

I haven’t had to take a pregnancy test in over two years. August 25, 2010 to be exact. (Well, I took other ones after the first positive one because after six years of negatives it’s really fun to make them positive. HA HA! TAKE THAT TEST! YOU SHOW ME THOSE TWO PINK LINES LITTLE STICK! I EARNED ‘EM!)

 

Anyway, back to the no test in two years thing.

I had to take one the other morning, and I forgot what a horrible experience it can be.

For the first time EVER (well, um, let’s just say in my married life) I didn’t want it to be positive.

Which sounds HORRIBLE, if God wants to give me a baby I should be all WHOO BABIES FOR ME! Because heaven knows my other two were awfully hard to come by (they’re not six and a half years apart for fun kids.) But as I stood there in my bathroom for what had to be the longest two minutes in recent memory, I tried to think about what was so different this time from the hundreds of times before.

Show a woman a pregnancy test and you’re going to find out a lot about them.

Those little sticks can bring us more joy or more misery than any other object I can think of. I mean, it’s a stick that tells you your possible future, but only after you pee on it. Can you imagine sitting our forefathers down, taking their hands and saying “One day women will pee on sticks that will tell them if they are with child. We will also be able to see, hear and read about anything that happens anywhere in the world instantly. I SWEAR I’M TELLING THE TRUTH!”

I like little tiny babies in a way I never did before. I love to sniff them. I love to hold them. I love to stare at them, not to mention my voice gets high and squeaky when I talk to them. I DON’T KNOW WHY IT JUST HAPPENS.

Maybe some of the anxiety comes because we had to wait so long to get Vivi. Maybe some of it is a deep and serious fear of how sick I get when I’m pregnant.  Maybe some of it is not wanting to jinx what a good thing we have going. Maybe some of it is the fear that once you have three you’re totally outnumbered. Regardless, while neither of us are saying “NO MORE!” we’re certainly not in that “BRING IT ON!” place either.

Addie asked for a baby brother for Christmas. Even that kid knows how awesome babies are, and she’s proof that babies grow up in to really awesome big sisters and really amazing kids.

Cody and I realize this uterus of mine won’t be putting forth heirs for much longer, if at all. I’m less than 4 years away from “AMA” and if it took six years to get number two here? The odds are kind of stacked against me. Sure, we could start trying right now, but no one is ready for that. It’s one thing to have the means and space to add to your family, it’s another thing to have the emotional, physical, and mental capacity to add to your family. Get me pregnant right now? I lose out on a good 9 months of my girls’ lives, not to mention Cody loses 9 months with me (it’s hard to love someone when their head is in a toilet all the time.)

Hey, what about adoption? Read this. If your heart isn’t ripped out of your chest and writhing on the floor, I’ll be here when you get done. She just brought her third son home in early November, he is perfect and I cried and cried in bed when I heard the news. If I’ve learned anything from Lindsey, it’s that the heart of an adoptive parent is the heart of a warrior, my heart is not brave enough yet and it may never be.

Eight collective years of willing pregnancy tests to be positive, eight collective years of sobbing over negatives and eight years of throwing them across the bathroom in frustration. Twice they changed. Twice they were positive and I can remember both days down to the the socks I was wearing. I think it’s safe to say that what I felt was relief last week at a negative. It’s proof that I’m not ready, no matter what the future may hold for my family. It’s proof that I am happy with where I’m at, and really, there’s no sense in messing with a good thing.

And I’ve got a really good thing going.

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