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The No-budget 2013 Oscars Red Carpet Recap

Apparently it costs a lot of money to purchase celebrity photos, so instead of stealing them from Go Fug Yourself I decided to pretend that all the Oscar nominees showed up for the ceremony last night dressed as the characters they portrayed in the films they were nominated for. Necessity is the mother of invention, folks. Get your sunbonnets on and let’s do this.

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  • Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty 1 of 10
    Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
    Jessica Chastain is wearing a military-style jacket and matching cotton v-neck tee, which is on-trend for the women-in-menswear thing that comes around every seven years or so. It looks like she had a bumpy limo ride on the way to the show! If she's going to show up in a Humvee next time she might want to think about a a fabric that shows fewer wrinkles. Nice hair, though. And she's wearing a necklace.
  • Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook 2 of 10
    Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
    Not one to be outdone in the tux department, Bradley Cooper has opted to wear a Hefty Bag over gray sweats and carry a football while escorting his mom to the Oscars this year. Maybe it's his mom's purse that's in the shape of a football? Maybe it's his mom's football? If I were the mother of a man who wore a Hefty bag to the Oscars I probably would carry a football purse. Ten points for not giving a damn, Cooper family!
  • Denzel Washington, Flight 3 of 10
    Denzel Washington, Flight
    You never want to mess with a man wearing aviators and a stern expression, it's like Denzel Washington was daring the E! Channel mean girls panel to say something about his suit. You don't normally see hats on the red carpet but Denzel plays by his own rules, and if he wants to wear wings and fly to his seat like Sally Field I don't imagine that anyone would try to stop him.
  • Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables 4 of 10
    Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables
    Never one to shy away from hard work, Hugh Jackman arrived this year wearing that work. He's also pre-grown a privacy beard so that he can slip away into the sewers after the ceremony and avoid the limo crush at the Governor's Ball. He needs to get there early so he can hoard protein.
  • Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook 5 of 10
    Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
    Jennifer Lawrence seems shocked at something Bradley Cooper's mother has said about her cardigan-and-crucifix number. Bradley has changed into a Philadelphia Eagles jersey, which he had stowed in his mom's football purse. Men! Always giving us their crap to hold for them.
  • Lincoln 6 of 10
    Lincoln
    Daniel Day-Lewis is a genius.
  • Joaquin Phoenix, The Master 7 of 10
    Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
    Joaquin Phoenix arrived wearing a crisp, old-fashioned sailor suit, though he appears irritated by the way the E! Channel mean girls think it's an homage to Buster Brown. Someone's going to end up with a broken camera and a black eye tonight.
  • Emmanuelle Riva, Amour 8 of 10
    Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
    French actress Emmanuelle Riva combines comfort and style in a jewel-tone bathrobe and plastic headband. Why do French women always look so elegant no matter what they wear? Two words: BONE STRUCTURE.
  • Quvenzhane Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild 9 of 10
    Quvenzhane Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
    Nine-year old Quvenzhane Wallis's ensemble is practical and age-appropriate, though she'll be bummed if the crowd at the bar at the Vanity Fair party makes her spill her Roy Rogers on that white top. The Wellington boots might not be heavy enough to give Seth MacFarland a kick in the shins, though. Next year: steel toes, Quvenzhane!
  • Naomi Watts, The Impossible 10 of 10
    Naomi Watts, The Impossible
    Oh God, someone help Naomi Watts, she's drowning in: A. Kristen Stuart's discomfort, B. Anne Hathaway's tears, C. All the alcohol Christopher Plummer ever drank, D. The most horrific tsunami in recent memory, E. All of the above

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