For a brief time I was hanging out, looking through the profiles of guys on Match.com. I stopped doing that pretty quickly because I’m convinced everyone on there is either a serial killer, has some serious psychological defect, lives with his parents, has never been married for good reason, and/or is a depraved lunatic. I feel like I should be a character on Seinfeld. Not that I’m so funny or entertaining, but because like the characters on Seinfeld, I’m discovering I’m picky about possible matches. And by “picky”, I mean, I can find something wrong with pretty much everyone. Seinfeld had high talkers, low talkers, close talkers, man hands, double-dippers, mimbos, regifters, anti-dentites, toe thumbs, and none were sponge-worthy.
I find myself doing the same thing and coming up with all manner of reasons why men are not good enough for me. I’m not like this in real life, but when all you have are a few lines of text and a couple profile pictures, you find yourself judging others based on these few items. These are actual candidates I’ve encountered. Honest. Those of you who have ever tried online dating know I’m telling the truth and have probably seen some of these same guys
1. This guy’s teeth are crooked.
2. This guy has a photo of himself drinking from a keg — alcoholic.
3. This guy says he likes long walks — doesn’t own a car.
4. This guy says he’s an entrepreneur — unemployed.
5. This guy says he’s a taxidermist and has the pictures of dead animals to prove it.
6. This guy’s too short.
7. This guy’s too tall.
8. This guy has a comb-over. I don’t care about bald, but a few strands of hair shellacked into place with a can of hairspray? Uhhh no.
9. This guy robbed Charlie Sheen’s wardrobe.
10. This guy thinks “alot” is a word - illiterate.
11. This guy is too educated - pretentious.
12. This guy’s wearing camo. Or maybe he’s not. I can’t see him.
13. This guy has a dozen pictures of himself with his ex — can you say rebound?
14. This guy’s so pale he’s translucent — probably a vampire.
15. This guy has a spray tan that makes him look like an Oompaloompa.
16. This guy has a stained shirt — slob.
17. This guy has a picture of him kissing a kitty.
18. This guy has a picture of him holding a GOAT - Uhhh?
19. This guy says he likes writing poetry — gag.
20. This guy’s wearing a big, feather-adorned hat — Queen of England or pimp?
21. This guy has a tattoo of a Confederate flag that takes up his whole back.
22. This guy does triathlons — freak.
23. This guy has grandkids older than my kids!
24. This guy looks like Vincent Schiavelli.
25. This guy looks like Nigel Thornberry.
26. This guy looks like Betty White.
27. This guy looks like a combination of Vincent Schiavelli, Nigel Thornberry, and Betty White.
28. This guy says he’s not like anything you’ve ever seen before — he probably has 12 toes.
29. This guy says he’s a gentleman who wants his mate to get in touch with her inner femininity — I just threw up in mouth a little.
30. This guy says he can go from jeans and a t-shirt to a tux — I guess he just learned how to dress himself.
I could go on all night, but I’ll stop now before I depress any single women out there. At the age of 22, I married the first guy who came along despite all my friends’ and family’s warnings against it. So this time around I intend to be very picky. And if that means, I never find anyone with whom to share my life, then I’m cool with that. I would much rather be by myself than with someone who looks like Vincent Thornberry-White, wears a Queen of England wedding-going hat, and has pictures of dead animals with tattoos of the Confederate flag!
If you liked this, here are some more favorites from Dawn.