The Overdue MotherSAMANTHA BEE AND ALLANA HARKIN
Indigenous to Planet Earth, the Overdue Mother (sometimes referred to as “Super Pregnant”) is a breed of female human who is not only easily recognizable by the giant bump on the front of her body but by her general state of mind and facial expressions. Depending on how overdue she actually is, the overdue mother can be recognized by the following characteristics:
One day overdue: Optimistic and partially grateful for the extra time to go to the drugstore and purchase giant maxi pads and epsom salts.
Two days overdue: The Overdue Mother remains jokey and open to remarks such as, “When is that baby coming out?” (haha)
Three days overdue: Comments about how pregnancy is 10 months NOT 9 months become more frequent and laced with sarcasm from the Overdue Mother.
Four days overdue: Do not look the Overdue Mother directly in the eye.
Five days overdue: If you tell the Overdue Mother that you gave birth on time she will go home and make a voodoo doll of you. She will stab said doll with diaper pins.
Six days overdue: If you don’t give her a seat on public transit she will decapitate you with her purse.
Seven days overdue: Overdue Mother spends time comforting herself with thoughts such as, “This will be a strong baby!” and “The baby will come when the baby is ready!”
Eight days overdue: Where is that DAMN BABY?!
Nine days overdue: Do not come within 20 meters of the Overdue Mother without a gift in your hands. Keep eyes directed at the floor. Say things like, “You look amazing. When I was pregnant I looked like Chet from Weird Science.”
Ten days overdue: Overdue Mother will take to the streets. If you say, “Where is that baby?!” to her she will cut you. And she will enjoy it.
Eleven days overdue: Don’t even.
Know your own Overdue Mother? Here are some tips for communicating with her …
Imagine yourself in a closed space with a polar bear. Now open your eyes and see an Overdue Mother. Proceed with caution:
1. Do not tell an overdue mother your birth war story. Yes, you were valiant. But your kid is 5 years of age, and your hemorrhoids haven’t bothered you for years. Let’s keep the stories light and less painful.
2. Do not suggest that she wait to give birth until a time that works better for your schedule. Hahahaha! It may seem like a funny joke and it was! — Just back in 350BC when the first time it was told.
3. Understand that if she’s experiencing a contraction the Overdue Mother wants to punch you. She doesn’t mean to, she just wants to.
4. Do not make fun of her pregnancy pants, skirts or stockings. We all know she’s going to be wearing them for a few more weeks (at least). Soft waist bands are a new mother’s friend.
5. Try and not look at the Overdue Mother like you feel pity for her. Or ask her questions in a pained I’m-so-glad-I’m-not-you way. She needs to feel encouraged that this isn’t a permanent condition.
6. Disclaimer: If you are over the age of 65 let me first express how much I personally admire you. If you follow me regularly on twitter or here at EOTS you’ll know how often I write that seniors are, 97% of the time, the most interesting person in the room. And I use the term “senior” with the utmost respect. You earned it. I’m not alone in this sentiment. So that being said … you don’t need to prove your awesomeness by using this time to engage the Overdue Mother with stories of how your births were “no big deal.” Or that you gave birth exactly on time or pain free’ with no drugs. Yes, I believe you remember this to be 100% true It’s not. I love you, Mom.
What tips would you add to this list?
Image courtesy of Flickr.
And on Facebook because that’s where we sometimes hang with the cool chicks (and 6 dudes).