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The Preschool Laws of Physics

1. The velocity with which a preschooler gets in and out of the car is inversely proportional to how many minutes late you are running. Ex.: If you are running five minutes late for preschool, your child will get out of the car at the pace of an arthritic, 93-year-old woman. If you are running ten minutes late for preschool, she will get out of the car at the pace of a three-toed sloth.

2. For every time you ask a preschooler to get dressed, she will keep her clothes on with equal, opposing force.

Corollary to Rule 2: If your preschooler is already undressed, the force of resistance to getting clothes on is multiplied by a factor of x, wherein x represents the number of times you have asked.

3. The rate of dispersion of toys across your house in one day is the number of toys times how tired you are at the end of the day on a scale of one to five, where one equals “very” and five equals “comatose.”

4. The adhesive strength of Elmer’s glue (or generic equivalent) on craft projects is diminished by a factor of ∏ (pi) once it passes the threshold of your home. It is diminished by ∏ x 17 when glitter is involved.

5. The decibel level at which your preschooler must speak/yell is greater than that of his/her sibling by a factor of four, leading to an exponential increase of total decibel volume at a rate of s(θ + Ï…), or  shut(the hell up).

6. The time it takes to get two preschoolers to do anything is 2.5 times the amount of time it takes to get one to do the same thing. Ergo, the elasticity of the skin under and around the eyes of a mother of two children under six diminishes at a rate of 2.5 times that of a mother of one.

What laws am I missing?

PS — There’s another chance to win a free copy of EDEN LAKE over at She Is Too Fond of Books. And, good news, the price of the book on Amazon has been discounted to $10.80. (And the Kindle version is now just $6.39.)

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