The Top 10 Train Wreck Couples of 2013Serge Bielanko
Well, 2013 is almost over and once again there was a lot of love and inspiration to be found in the news when it comes to couples and romance this past year.
Beautiful tales of hearts colliding.
Hot celebrity eyeballs staring deeply into each other on a private Four Season’s beach in Hawaii, pledging their eternal commitment to one another in that certain way that only the super gorgeous and filthy rich can ever really do.
Ugh. Whatever. Who cares about any of that, right?!
I mean, it’s December, people! And that means it’s time to make ourselves feel better about our own dysfunctional relationships by staring super awkwardly at the couples who made big news the past 12 months due to the fact that they are just plain 100x CRAZIER than you and me.
Call me callous, call me sinister, I don’t mind, because I know that I’m not. My aim here isn’t so much to shine a particular spotlight on anyone’s problems or shortcomings. Rather, as we reflect upon our own lives here at year’s end, I wish to merely highlight the fact that, no matter who we are in our daily lives, no matter how much we manage to royally screw things up with our beloved, the fact of the matter is that there is always someone else out there doing it bigger and better than we are.
And, c’mon, for that we ought to be thankful.
Plus, I believe that by learning from other couple’s gargantuan mistakes, we may just be able to avoid the same fate, you know? Especially when it’s love that is on the line.
Because, trust me, when you mess love up the way these people managed to do 2013, you REALLY mess it up.
Happy New Year, lovers!
Choo-Choooo! 1 of 11
The Giudices 2 of 11
Even for people who star in a show with a title as sleazy and iffy as Bravo's The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa and Joe Giudice managed to find new and fascinating ways to offend us in 2013.
The husband and wife team best known for their arrogance, and their conceit, as well as for their seemingly bottomless well of vindictiveness, managed to swim right out of the reality fishbowl that they've been living in the past few years and right into the very, very real American court system. Now, they face 39 counts of fraud, tax evasion, and related criminal charges. They're still together, through it all, I'll give them that. But still, I smell prison food. Oh well, whatdyagonnado?!
Nigella Lawson & Charles Saatchi 3 of 11
Well, 2013 was no piece of Easy Summer Lemon Cake for poor (not poor poor, obviously) Nigella Lawson. Her marriage to the zillionaire art dealer, Charles Saatchi, crumbled in the hot bright glare of the world's media after shocking photos of her husband's hands grasping at her throat during a London lunch outing emerged.
Now, with divorce at her heels and a brand new courtroom drama unfolding regarding a pair of Italian nannies, stolen credit cards, drug accusations and whatever else you can dream up, it would seem as if the 53-year-old celebrity chef and her 70-year-old husband definitely qualify for "Train Wreck" status.
Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom 4 of 11
Khloe and Lamar, the stars of the E! Network TV reality show called, ummmm, Khloe & Lamar, apparently squirmed out of a hole in my wall this past year when I was busy living my life without them.
And then they ended up staying way too long as far as I'm concerned, managing to find their way on to so many magazine covers and internet news feeds that for a second there I began to actually wonder if maybe I should actually know them or something. But no. A click of my mouse and I understood that they were just another Kardashian girl and honorary Kardashian imploding in our collective face. So, now the world will weep as one. Or not.
The YouTube Meltdown Couple 5 of 11
Earlier in 2013, a man decided to post a video on YouTube that purportedly showed his wife having a fairly serious temper tantrum in their car because he wouldn't take her to "the lake". Seriously? The lake? I mean, I could see if he had promised to swing by In-and-Out Burger and was now reneging on the deal, but the lake?
Anyways, dude put the video online and pretty much the whole world saw it ... whiiiiiiiiich, automatically puts you on the Train Wreck Couples List, no questions asked. Oh and surprise: word has it they are now divorced.
The Jenners 6 of 11
These days, former US Olympic hero Bruce Jenner and his estranged wife, Kris, whose claim to fame is being the mother of the Kardashian clan, are living separate lives after a fairly long marriage.
They capped it off with that Hollywood coup de grace: a couple of years of starring on the E!'s reality show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians. (If you've never seen the show, two things: 1) you will be amazed at how much plastic surgery ol' Bruce has had done to his face. Yikes. And 2) You're a liar; you have seen the show.)
So, these two get Train Wreck Couple status both because they are ka-put in a big way AND the fact that they have sired and raised so very many past and future Hollywood derailments in their time.
The Honeymooners 7 of 11
Eight days after getting married, most couples are still infatuated with each other, all kissy-kissy and whatnot. But then, well, there are the exceptions.
Case in point, 22-year-old Montana newlywed Jordan Graham, 22, who just pleaded guilty to second-degree murder charges for pushing her husband of just 8 days, Cody Johnson, off a 200 foot cliff while hiking on their honeymoon. That's Level TEN Train Wreck Couple stuff, obviously. So they are another shoo-in for our list.
Jodia Arias and Travis Alexander 8 of 11
I know, I know, the horrendous murder that psycho lady Jodi Arias was convicted of happened a few years ago, but 2013 was the year in which we sat riveted to her sad, bizarre courtroom drama.
Therefore, I am declaring that she and the on-again-off-again guy she callously murdered, Travis Alexander, both make our Train Wreck Couples list for this year. Travis, sadly, by default. Jodi, because she might just be the worst Train Wreck in the history of modern love.
The Worst Parents/Mugshots Ever 9 of 11
According to an aptly titled piece over at the Huffington Post back in July, "James and Roxanne Murphy of York, Pa., were charged last week on 27 criminal counts, including (but not limited to) child endangerment, assault, giving alcohol to a minor and child pornography, after one of their five children called 911 to say they were home alone and drinking alcohol."
All of which puts them on our list of Worst Train Wreck couples for 2013 ... duh. Plus, look at the "His and Hers" mugshots; they make the list just for that.
Kim and Kanye 10 of 11
Personally, I kind of like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West as a couple. Go ahead and hiss all you want, but I think it's because I consider my own wife and I to be, like, Level 3 insane, and so it's nice to know that there are other couples out there hovering around a Level 6 (7?) and still taking a big old bite out of the apple of life, if you know what I mean.
That said, they make the list simply because they are who they are. They are Kim and Kanye. And that spells "Train Wreck" in French, Italian, Chinese, Latin, and fifty other languages, I think.
Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller 11 of 11
And last but not least, folks, we finally reach the #1 Train Wreck Couple of 2013 (as well as 2014 and 2015 and probably 2016, I'm guessing). What can I possibly add to the story of Charlie Sheen and his most recent ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, that hasn't already been splattered all over your TV and your computer screen over the past year? To say that Charlie despises his ex would be like saying that you and me don't like eating pale yellow snow.
And even though I am quite aware that they are no longer a couple legally, they still have to take the top honor this year simply because their hatred and vitriol for each other continues to know no bounds, just as their sad saga of alleged drug abuse and alleged parental neglect continues to give each and every one of us that strange warm feeling that comes when we suddenly realize that someone else's love affair is much more seriously messed up than ours.
Happy New Year!
Cover image: calibermag.org
You can also find Serge on his personal blog, Thunder Pie.
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