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The Top Holiday Songs Get A 2011 Update

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  • Breaking news! 1 of 16
    Breaking news!
    After a thorough investigation, authorities have concluded that the holiday songs badly need an update. Santa is coming to town, but he's not sure if he'll be back next year, thankyouverymuch global warming. A partridge in a pear tree is not a very practical gift to give your true love in these financially challenged times. And all Mommy wants for Christmas is her anti-anxiety meds. Behold, revised songs.

    Photo/istock
  • It WOULD begin to look a lot like Christmas except… 2 of 16
    It WOULD begin to look a lot like Christmas except...
    ...Mommy hasn't had a second to haul out the damn decorations, but she hopes to do so before Easter.

    Photo/lovelihood
  • On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree… 3 of 16
    On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree...
    ...only he's out of work and he had to dip into his 401k to pay for them so I made him return them to Home Depot.

    Photo/Roland
  • Here comes Santa Claus! Here comes Santa Claus! 4 of 16
    Here comes Santa Claus! Here comes Santa Claus!
    Enjoy him while you can, because by next year global warming will probably do away with the North Pole.

    Photo/shirleynedry
  • Frosty The Snowman was a jolly happy soul… 5 of 16
    Frosty The Snowman was a jolly happy soul...
    ...because snowmen don't have 58 FREAKING HOLIDAY GIFTS TO WRAP AND 12 TEACHER GIFTS TO BUY AND 100 HOLIDAY CARDS TO ADDRESS AND 5 DOZEN HOLIDAY COOKIES TO BAKE.

    Photo/suecan1
  • I had a little dreidel, I made it out of… 6 of 16
    I had a little dreidel, I made it out of...
    ...100% non-toxic, purified, chemical -free, low-fat clay.

    Photo/Staccabees
  • I’ll be home for Christmas… 7 of 16
    I'll be home for Christmas...
    ...only in my dreams I'll be in Aruba. Alone.

    Photo/photophnatic
  • Grandma got run over by a reindeer… 8 of 16
    Grandma got run over by a reindeer...
    ...and now there's one less person to buy gifts for. Woo-hoo!

    Photo/timo_w2s
  • All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth… 9 of 16
    All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth...
    ...and the LeapPad Explorer and I don't care if you have to pay $300 for it on eBay even though it really only costs $99, JUST GET IT FOR ME.
  • I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus 10 of 16
    I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
    They met on Ashley Madison, and I'm not going to be the one to tell Daddy.

    Photo/haundreis
  • Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose… 11 of 16
    Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose...
    ...because neither of his working parents had time to get to the drugstore to buy some soothing cream.

    Photo/anthonycramp
  • Do you hear what I hear? 12 of 16
    Do you hear what I hear?
    Right! Nothing. Because Mommy and Daddy also neglected to pick up batteries for the new toys. Oopsie.

    Photo/jamiemc
  • Last Christmas I gave you my heart… 13 of 16
    Last Christmas I gave you my heart...
    ...but this year I'm going with a Starbucks gift card.
  • So this is Christmas, and what have you done, another year older… 14 of 16
    So this is Christmas, and what have you done, another year older...
    ...although the Botox seems to be working for you.

    Photo/stevendepolo
  • Oh, the weather outside is frightful… 15 of 16
    Oh, the weather outside is frightful...
    ...but the Heavy Fire Afghanistan game is so delightful, and since we've no place to go, let's let the kids play Xbox Kinect all day long.

    Photo/Scott & Elaine van der Chijs
  • You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I’m telling you why: 16 of 16
    You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why:
    ...Mommy is out of Xanax.

    Photo/Corey Ann

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