What It Means To Have It All As A Woman And A Mother (my thoughts on Marissa Mayer’s Maternity Leave)
Women working at a job where juggling motherhood was likely a challenge, circa WWII.
If you haven’t heard about the controversial reactions to Marissa Mayer’s pregnancy and maternity leave plans (former Google executive and hire #20, and recently announced CEO of Yahoo), feel free to read the links above and come back. I’ll be here. We can also take a moment to fume about how an article about executive women in the New York Times ends up in the damned FASHION section of the paper, if you like. I know I am.
Before I say anything further, YES, I acknowledge that anything I say about this is coming from a place of incredible privilege as a white woman with (relative) financial means. Absolutely. Millions of women have taken little or no maternity leave because as a nation we are NOT guaranteed paid maternity leave or that our jobs will still be there when we return to work. This fact sucks for everyone – including fathers, who get almost no paternity leave at all, regardless of where we all fall on the income scale.
That said, I’ve been thinking a great deal about Marissa Mayer’s declaration about working through her maternity leave and I think it’s totally fine. I don’t believe it hurts any other woman for her to work during the first weeks of her child’s life, or while she’s still in the hospital. It doesn’t set a standard for “all women” and she’s not setting women back or advancing them forward by making this choice for her family. Truth be told, her “reassurance” about working through maternity leave was primarily directed at the stockholders of Yahoo and isn’t meant to be a statement for all of womankind. And can we have an amen for Yahoo for hiring a pregnant woman as CEO? AMEN!
Of course, Marissa Mayer has NO idea how she’s going to actually feel about motherhood until it happens. There is no doubt in my mind that motherhood changes you and adjusts your priorities, and teaches you new definitions about what it means to have it all.
I swore up and down to my bosses that I would be back at work early from my maternity leave, that I would never quit my job to raise my daughter. After all, my husband was committed to being a stay-at-home dad anyway so it was a non-issue.
But then my daughter was born. Soon, I took my full leave, plus the extra two weeks that was granted me due to my emergency c-section. I didn’t want to go back to work at all, but for the next year, I went to work every day, and it was TORTURE. I hated being away from my infant daughter. It sucked. I hated pumping milk at work, I hated missing the way she smelled, I hated missing the first time she rolled over, her first smile… all of it. It was awful.
So I quit my job. I found a way to work from home (since not working at all wasn’t an option financially), and I made it work. But guess what? My baby grew into a little girl. A high energy, busy, constantly moving little girl that wanted me to play with her ALL THE TIME. It turns out that I love infants, but toddlers are a challenge for me and I dislike the part of parenting where you get down on the floor and play with your kid. So we started sending her to preschool where she had lots of friends and grownups to play with her. But I kept working from home, because I loved what I was doing and I loved the flexibility it offered.
This worked for our family.
In my smaller blogger way, I was judged for this, much like Marissa Mayer is now. People said that it was foolish of me to quit my safe, reliable job with the great benefits to become a full time freelancer, particularly since my husband was also a freelancer and that meant financial instability for our family. When we put my daughter in school, I was further judged for “dumping her at preschool” because after all, wasn’t I home to be with her? Plus when the economy collapsed and my family hit some major financial hard times, those that judged felt highly vindicated because it proved that I’d made foolish choices and mistakes (which, well, DUH).
But I’ve also seen mothers judged for not working, even when it’s not a financial necessity that they do so. I’ve seen mothers judged for choosing food stamps over working a million hours and having to pay for child care. And now, I’m seeing a woman who is a leader in the technology space and will be earning a million dollars a year+ be judged for not taking her full maternity leave.
Being a mother means being judged.
I’m a feminist, and I was raised by a feminist, and what I love most about feminism is that at the heart of it all is CHOICE. The hard work my mother did breaking ground (by marching and by working in traditionally male roles and then getting a PhD in a scientific field when even her advisors said she couldn’t make it as a woman) means that I get to CHOOSE how I live my life, and how I mother. It means my friends that are full-time moms get to be full time moms, and my friends with full time jobs get to have full time jobs. NO CHOICE IS WRONG.
It also means that Marissa Mayer gets to choose how she mothers, no matter what that looks like. I think we should leave her alone while giving her kudos, because seriously: WELL DONE, MARISSA. You are on an amazing new journey, both personally and professionally, and I have utter faith that you will do it well.
Brava, Cecily! I love this piece so much! Women’s empowerment means just that: the power to make the decision that fits best for you!
I have to respectfully disagree with the idea that it’s not setting a bad example. If just one boss at one business thinks of her and starts subtly pressuring a woman to come back early from her leave, or “just do a little of this at home when you have some free time,” then she has done something very damaging to women. Employers already begrudge workers paid time off, or FMLA leave, or even a sick day. This sets a precedence for them to begrudge women maternity leave (you don’t need it, you can work through it, your job isn’t even as demanding as hers!) even more than they already do.
I do appreciate that this is a choice she is making for her family and, hey, if her choices work for her and her family, more power to them. On the other hand, I am disheartened to see her lack of acknowledgement that she is able to make this choice because of the resources she has as the CEO of a major company. It would sit better with me if she were to state that she is fortunate to be able to be take this kind of maternity leave because of the support of her family (if true) and because of her ability to pay for help (housekeeper, baby nurse, nanny, etc — almost certainly true). For someone to take the kind of “leave” she is planning without the resources she has boggles the mind.
I agree, Cecily- We all had those moments before our child was born, of all the things we would or would not do. I say this as someone who went back to work two weeks after giving birth, but only because I could bring my son with me to a research and writing legal job (In the days before telecommuting was really okay) and that I only had three months left on the job before we moved out of State. But I think we all soon discover that kids grow and change quickly, and doing the same sort of isolated office type work becomes incompatible with babbling babies and crawling around the office, let alone the time and devotion they need from care givers, moms, daycare, whomever.
I remember all the moms looking at me and quietly saying to themselves “She’ll learn and figure it out, just like I had to…nothing I can tell her now will mean anything until she experiences it herself.” And I feel the same way now towards others. Sometimes, until you earn that merit badge, everything you pre-suppose is cute, but horribly unrealistic, and ignorance is bliss. (Remind me to tell you the emphatic speech my sister in law gave me about never feeding HER kids in the car, and how many times I have giggled since then…)
It’s okay- Moms will be judged, and maybe she will have an easy time of it, have great help to make things go well, and mix Mom and CEO-ship with aplomb. I hope so. What I wish we saw was Dads having to face more of the same issues. The bottom line is we need to align our expectations for work and life in a way that allows everyone, male and female, to have both without being looked upon as slackers. Just because we can be connected 24 x 7 doesn’t mean its a good idea for anyone.
Oooh, yes. Love this. You got it exactly right.
I just don’t agree that no choice is wrong when it comes to parenting issues. The research shows us otherwise. Choices like sending a few week old infant to daycare vs. staying at home for the first years, nursing or formula feeding, and natural vs. highly medicated birth are not like coke vs. pepsi, they are like mcdonald’s vs. a home cooked meal. Sure, happy meals 3 times a day will keep your belly full, but look at the damage they cause in the long run.
It’s great to be open minded, but don’t be so open minded that your brains fall right out. There is such a thing as right and wrong in some cases, and not all “choices” have equal results. For families who have no choice due to circumstances, well, that sucks, and we as a society should change their circumstances, not judge them. However, for those of us who can make the right choices, we should make them, or just not have kids. There is no shame in being child free, but there is a shame in having kids and deliberately doing the wrong things by them.
I don’t mind that it was covered in the Styles section of the Times because it was covered so extensively elsewhere (including in the Business section), and I do think that the way this piece was written it was more about lifestyle than business. As you point out, most women don’t have the choice that Mayer does and the business of mothering is that much easier when you can employ a baby nurse or a chef or a driver or a battery of household and/or office assistants without batting an eye.
Well said, Cecily. The way to HAVE IT ALL is if to stop judging each other so darn harshly.
Why do moms need a public figure to advocate anything so that these same mothers can feel good about their own choices?? I don’t care what any other woman/mother/family chooses, as long as it works for them and the child is healthy & happy. Why do we as women always feel we need advocates to support us and shame them when they don’t. We end up looking insecure. Stand by your choices, not because it’s what others portray as right, but because you feel it’s right for you.
Yes, this.
I love how your post describes your having different feelings about wanting to be with your daughter at different stages. I wish we were more open about this. For me, it was more the reverse … very comfortable handing the baby off (and very fortunate to have good options for doing so), enjoy spending time with him more the older he gets (am grateful for the direction of this trend as I do believe there are others who experience exactly the opposite — not saying you do, my sense is your reactions are more nuanced with assorted pros and cons of assorted stages — and what a bummer that would be to get the very best (to you) parts at the beginning).
I think the concern @Amy B raises is plausible, perhaps likely, since we do know some people (and some bosses) are jerks. But J on AskMoxie’s post about this subject has already addressed that concern in her (J’s) comment, so I’ll just quote her here: “If your boss says “she only needed 2 weeks – why do you need 20?” the answer is – “pay me like she’s paid, so I can hire a night nurse and nanny to recover from the birth, and a housekeeper to do the cleaning and laundry, and I am back in two weeks. About $1,000,000 a year should do it.”
If workplace culture is so open that you openly get asked a question:”she only needed 2 weeks – why do you need 20?” then the news story that started it all would not even figure as news story. Unfortunately, too many standards are set by examples like these, and they immediately become unspoken standards. Look at the rates at which job descriptions include “occasional overtime required” – and unlike average bread-earner, companies can afford to wait for someone that will succumb to pressure of needing a job. Even I, privileged white women (with full time job, stable family and peaceful neighbourhood) am constantly measured against colleagues that have no kids so they “work” 12 hours, no questions asked. It is inescapable.
I fully support Mayer’s decision – I would never judge a women for dedicating herself to career and allowing other caring adults to raise their kids (this is not limited to modern work-oriented society, plenty of similar examples throughout history or even, animal world). But I do object to the fact that news is made of this (apparently nothing else is more important???) and that is touted everywhere. This is how expectations are formed. This is how society and culture are shaped.
I’m going to have to wade on in to this argument because this subject makes me so angry. Just like celebs who are back to their pre-birth bodies in weeks, super-career women who have or can afford loads of support around their birth, child care and housework, never seem to have in the media a mention of what else in their life enables them to take no maternity leave. They make it sound like this is achievable for any women if only they’d suck it up and behave more like a man.
The last line in this article, about sending an email while in labour, purely to prove a point about how gung-ho you are you can even email while in labour (and make sure everyone knows you are still working while giving birth) proves this point exactly. It made her feel superior.
For a women at home, doing it tough more or less on her own with a partner who works long hours to support his family and no other ‘help’ with other kids or household duties, maternity leave is not a ‘holiday’. Having been on both ends of the spectrum myself (I have 3 kids), I can tell you going back to a demanding yet rewarding career with a little baby in someone else’s care is a million times easier than staying home and doing all the care work myself. Yes it’s hard to leave your baby, but you get used to it. It’s much harder to give up your corporate identity and paycheck to be a stay-at-home bum. I mean mum.
I’m from Australia where we recently introduced paid maternity leave. I didn’t have paid leave with my first two, so had to go back to work quite quickly, but was lucky to get minimum wage for my third baby. Much less than my normal pay check, but hey, better than nothing. And for my government paid minimum wage which has to be processed through my employer, this made him think that I was being paid to be on call while on leave. To have refused would have meant that in my male dominated industry (IT), I was proving how I couldn’t play like one of the boys. I developed PND after overcommitting myself to work from home while on leave prior to birth, but having given birth to a non-sleeping lots of screaming reflux baby (my third), plus caring for my two older children, found I couldn’t keep up my end of the bargain. I didn’t have the financial means to afford domestic help and I have no family available who don’t also have their own work commitments. Eventually I got myself a nanny, got back to work, got a proper pay check and sense of self achievement, got better. Let me not for a moment pretend it was anything other than pure selfishness to go back to work. It was easier. I tell the rest of the world it was for the mortgage.
So I guess the reason this shits me so much is yet again it completely devalues the traditional caring role roles of women, out sourcing them to ‘lesser’ employees. It also reinforces the self focused stereotype of ‘I’m so important that the corporate world couldn’t continue to function without me’ behaviour encouraged and promoted in so many workplaces, having the bonus effect for your employer of your willing unpaid overtime and dedication that you prioritise work over family. Your employer can and will replace you at the drop of a hat, no matter how dedicated you are to your job and how quick you return from maternity leave.
To your children, you are irreplaceable.
While I agree that it’s awesome a pregnant woman was hired as CEO of a major corporation and that Mayer has the right to determine her own life, choices are not made in a vacuum and they do have consequences.
With great power comes great responsibility and all those other cliches….
Great piece on this! I have been so disappointed in reactions to Mayer’s appointment. I think it does set a precedent: that women can make their own choices about what is best for their family.
Yes feminism is about choice but that doesn’t mean that our choices don’t have consequences for other women. As a matter of fact our choices have the potential to limit the choices that other women have.
I’m the spouse of a Yahoo! employee who has a new baby and honestly I’m not worried about bosses pressuring mothers to work through maternity leave because the CEO did. From my experience that just doesn’t fit with the culture at Yahoo! My husband took (unpaid because the US sucks) 4 weeks when my baby was born, works at home quite frequently to help out if the kids are sick or something, and he’s not the only one who does this. Again, just one anecdote but Yahoo! feels way too friendly family to suddenly not be because of a decision made by the CEO.
I’m not surprised she’s taking a short leave. I’d honestly expect her to have a nanny and the baby in the office.
muAFZg I really liked your post.Really looking forward to read more. Much obliged.