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The Wife’s Life: Milk Mind

The breast and breast fed.

What are they thinking?

By Elizabeth Beller

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Feed Baby!

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Big sister!

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Baby! Big sister!

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We’ve all heard of pregnancy fog, where you lose 8-10% of your brain volume as it prepares for motherhood. According to professor of neuropsychiatry Louann Brizendine,  it returns to it’s normal size six months postpartum. According to me, whatever volume my brain wants back stays in my breasts until I wean my children.

Before children, I managed to complete half of a (albeit very bad) novel between bidding with clients on the phone while working a demanding job at Sotheby’s auction house. When nursing my daughter I couldn’t complete a post-it note. I weaned her, and completed a script about art auction houses (this one good-ish, hello, Tina Fey!!!). Now I’m chasing The Negotiator, and nursing her baby brother. I can’t complete a sentence.  All of these blanks and the intermittent, half-formed thoughts between them are My Brain While Lactating. Does this train of thought sound familiar to you?

Feed Baby!

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Baby!

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Bottles.

 

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Breastpump. Full Boobs.

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SIDS! SIDS! SIDS! SIDS!

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Walk. Stroller.

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Air. Sleep. Sleep. Please, for the love of GOD, sleep.

 

Christ these poor people with small children caught in earthquakes, floods, tornados!! The world is terrifying!!! How can I protect my children?!?

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Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

 

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STARVING!! FRENCH FRIES! POUND CAKE! CHEESEBURGER! ANOTHER CHEESEBURGER! Pound cake. A beer.

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Pump.

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Big Sister!!! I miss you!! I love you so much!! Blank blank blank.

KEEP THOSE BOOGER FINGERS AWAY FROM THE BABY!!

 

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Purell, Purell.

Baby!

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I love you, big sister.

 

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Ack! Is he gaining enough weight? Shouldn’t he be clapping already?

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Is that clapping or is he flapping his hands. Oh Christ what is he doing?

 

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Oh yeah, husband. Hi husband! I love you! STAY AWAY FROM THE BOOBS, husband.

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Can you take the baby and bring me some pound cake? I love you!

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Where will big sister get into school? Will it be a good school? How the hell would I be able to tell until it’s too late and she’s wearing tube tops and cruising around with some greasy beaux-hunk anyway?!?!

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Where IS the Big Sister?

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My face is grey. It is sagging. My hair is grey. And sagging. Can I get Madonna Face Cutlets while breastfeeding? I make Methuselah look like Teen Mom.

 

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Pound cake baby!

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I can’t do this much longer. Does Gwyneth Paltrow recommend nursing for a full year on GOOP?

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Are Gwyneth and Madonna friends anymore? And where does Stella McCartney figure into it all?

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WHY do I have this information???

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Cleaning. I need to clean. The house needs to be clean. The baby needs to be clean. I need to clean. Purell.

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Baby baby baby baby baby baby!

 

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Tuition. Bills. Money. Aiigggh! I’ll have to go back to work before the baby (me really) is ready. Do I have any jewelry I can sell? I should’ve given birth to practicing corporate lawyer.

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Talking to my mother freaking out because I can’t find my phone!!!! It has pics of me nursing. My Boobs!! Ack.

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Oh wait, I’m talking to my mom on my phone.

 

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Brangelina!

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A friend called!

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Friends!! People we used converse with for more than 2 sentences before losing train of thought!  Dinner parties without butter pasta or liquids from a box! People we used to……..Feed baby!!

 

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Poop. Poop. He’s not pooping!!! And she’s pooping purple. What the hell?? We’re never having Capn’ Crunchberries again.

 

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He just pooped. On husband. Oops.

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This will pass. It will pass. It’ll be just me and my husband reading the NY TImes in bed all day Sunday again….Hurrah!!

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DEAR GOD NO!!! Please, baby and big sister, never leave us.

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Pound cake!

Information about my books

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Recent stories on The Examined Life:

July 4th With Mother and Daughter

Having It All: Three Scenarios

Why Josh Gilbert Still Can’t Have It All (Or The baby Formula Taste Test)

Babble Voices on Facebook

 

 

 

 

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