Let’s be honest here, the chances of you and your better half jet-setting off to some magnificent hotel in some sophisticated far-flung corner of the globe this Valentine’s Day are about as good as the chances of you waking up tomorrow morning and discovering a tight new six-pack down where your Pillsbury dough belly was when you hit the hay last night, right?
So, here’s my realistic plan of escape and romance for you two exhausted lovebirds.
You ready? Okay, here we go…
1) Buy a bottle of wine or two in advance. Get something a little out of your range…like in the ‘More Than 8 Dollar Range.’ And make sure it’s a bottle, not a damn box. Have them hidden under your bed.
2) On your way home from work that night, pick up some nice food that you ordered. Make it something she or he really loves. It can be a sausage pizza or it can be Thai or whatever. Just make sure that it’s something your ‘schmoogums’ really loves and make sure they know that you’re doing dinner, so they don’t double up on it.
3) If you have a nice little present for him or her, have that waiting under the bed with the wine, already wrapped, with the card already written out. Don’t be sneaking into the bathroom with a pen and some tape to do the job minutes before you’re presenting the thing. That’s tacky as hell. Trust me, I’ve done it tons.
4) When you get your coat off, give him or her a big smile and maybe a hug and say, “C’mon, kid” and lead him or her to the bedroom. Once there, crack the wine, serve up a little cheese and crackers if you want, or some expensive caviar, I don’t care. Have a glass or two before you eat, just the two of you.
5) Now that you’re both a little loose and tipsy…put on this slide show I made for you.
6) Serve the food as you sip some more vino and look at these decadent hotel rooms.
7) Pretend you’re both there. Together.
8) Even though you’re not there, you are together right where you are. That counts for a lot. So look at these outlandish places where some rich mofo is spending their Valentine’s Night and laugh and ooooh and ahhhhh at it all. It’s funny, isn’t it. Life is funny. You two don’t need to be anywhere except where you are right now.
9) Tell him/her that he/she looks really sexy. And they smell divine. Then giggle. Then let them sip some pf your wine from your favorite Barney Rubble cup.
10) May the force be with you.
Top Image: roblurted.com
High Flying Romance 1 of 14I don't know how much it costs to rent the Airplane Suite at the Costa Verde Resort in Costa Rica, but it's probably more than I make in ten years of working. Still, this old 747 converted into a two bedroom pad for lovers has to be a pretty incredible place to stay. Sigh.
Photo Credit: inhabitat.com
OMG…That View! 2 of 14Want to know what I think of when I look at this stunning view from the super sweet tub in this room at the InterContinental Hong Kong? No. No you don't. Because it's very sultry and it could even be illegal in Hong Kong for all I know. But looking out over Hong Kong Bay with your honey while you sip champagne and soak in the bubble...well, you just know things are gonna get CRAZY!
Photo Credit: tigerlilysbook.blogspot.com
Olde World Lovin’ 3 of 14Okay, maybe this isn't everyone's bag of romance. But I can tell you in full honesty, if I was to end up chilling on this bed in the Camelot Hotel Room at Ron Decar's Las Vegas Hotel with my wife, I'd get a little room service and ask the concierge to send me up a dragon costume and we would be gettin' Medieval on each other. OR, I would be trying to track down my wife since she left me alone in this room and went to check in to a different hotel.
Photo Credit: alasvegashotel.com
Underwater Paradise 4 of 14
Kiss Me In Our UFO 5 of 14Okay, I didn't even bother to check to see what the inside of this ultra-private super badass UFO suite at the Bridgette Meinhold TreeHotel in Sweden looks like. Because when the outside looks like this...who even cares. This has got to be one of the most clever rooms on Earth, end of story.
Photo Credit: wordlesstech.com
Outside Looking In 6 of 14The 'View with a Room' suite at the Bangkok Tree House green hotel in Thailand is just what it looks like, a stunning wall-less room surrounded by Thai nature. It might not be for everyone, but c'mon and admit it: a night in here would be unforgettable, huh? I mean, for you AND for the people in the room across the way who were watching you two like fish in a tank!
Photo Credit: treehugger.com
In The Driver’s Seat 7 of 14At the V8 Hotel in Stuttgart, Germany you could sip wine and make cool freaky love to the person you are with in a bed made out of the front half of a vintage Cadillac. And if that doesn't sound like the way you'd like to spend your Valentine's Day, you need to re-examine your priorities, my friend.
Photo Credit: tripcentral.ca
Grottos and Vino 8 of 14At the Sextantio Hotel in Matera, Italy, you stay in rooms carved from 9000 year-old grottos (caves). It's classy and ancient and romantic in all of the old Italian ways. I can just picture me standing there in my luxurious hotel robe with a glass of red wine in my fingers, my eyes watching you like a fertile falcon from across the cool stone floor. Grrrrrrrrr.
Photo Credit: architizer.com
The Bat Cave 9 of 14Yes, you are seeing this. No, it isn't a wild outlandish dream. I'll be blunt here.. If you have ever wanted to know how easy it is to get 'lucky' when you are a super hero than you should rent this Batman Suite, complete with full-sized Bat Mobile (yes!!!) at the Eden Hotel Kaonhsiung City, Taiwan. Just use your imagination for like two seconds here. See what I'm saying!
Photo Credit: outrageousluxury.com
Life In A Cartoon 10 of 14How insanely cool is this room? It's Comic Room at the Art Hotel in Berlin, Germany and it is done up with so much awesome cell-shading that the entire room seems like you are living in an animated world! Can you imagine having some drinks and then chasing each other around in there? It would be the best Valentine's Night ever recorded in the history of life.
Photo Credit: cherryflava.com
Suite of Suites 11 of 14Leave it to Vegas to have a mega-suite named in honor of the legendary Hugh Hefner. And of course, this view off the private outdoor deck pool at the Hugh Hefner Sky Villa at the Palms could never disappoint. The only thing that might be a turn-off in this joint is if you start imagining all of the other Lotharios who have stayed there before you...and what kind of shenanigans they got up to in the pool and all.
Photo Credit: gadgetsfosfore.se
The Hobbit Hotel 12 of 14Okay, again I'm just overlooking the inside view of the rooms to simply highlight what an incredible hotel the Magic Mountain hotel in Patagonia, Chile is. Look at that place, how gorgeous it is! It has swinging wooden bridges and waterfalls and it is in the middle of a vast rainforest and if you take your better half there, you are getting lucky, no doubt.
Photo Credit: izissmil.com
Gone Fishin’ 13 of 14These rooms with fish everywhere are my favorite. And this one at the Atlantis the Palm Hotel in Dubai is a perfect example why. Just look at it! It is a mad collision of two different worlds, one playing kissy-kissy on the bed, the other one swimming by slowly with Peeping Tom eyes.
Photo Credit: besthotelsaroundtheworld.com
When All Else Fails 14 of 14So maybe you've been there and done that. Maybe you and yours have climbed the great mountains and swam in the great seas and stayed in the finest hotels known to mankind. In that case, it's high time you two spend Valentine's Day in these 'special' beds in the Propeller Island Hotel in Berlin, Germany. Because true love never dies, now does it? Happy Valentine's Day!
Photo Credit: webeuranist.com
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