Thomas The Tank Sucks Edition #37-#50Ellen Seidman
37 How is it possible kids don’t realize that Thomas The Tank is THE MOST BORING TV PROGRAM in the history of children’s TV programs? So what if he and all his friends are perfectly nice, wholesome sorts of trains. The dialogue seems like it’s written by a prisoner in need of anti-depressant meds.
38 Just how wrong is it to put a neighbor’s name down as one of several emergency contacts on a school form and not tell her? Yeah, wrong. Just don’t tell my neighbor, K?
39 Isn’t it totally weird when your tot catches you naked and stares fixedly at your crotch or nipples?
40 How is it that husbands so rarely catch whiffs of poopy diapers? Were they graced with a more refined sense of scent (hmmm…) or could they be ignoring it? HMMM….
41 Just how many calories do you burn daily gathering up the bazillion pieces from your kids’ toys? Probably not much at all, sadly, because otherwise we would all be supermodels.
42 Why is it that doctors seem to think Aquaphor can heal everything? You could call the pediatrician’s office and screech “HELP! MY BABY IS TEETHING AND HE JUST GNAWED OFF HIS LEFT LEG!!” and the nurse would say, “Try a little Aquaphor, Mom, and call us back.”
43 Quick! How many kids does it take to pick up clothes off the floor? Just one, but she’ll whine enough for five.
44 Wouldn’t it be so awesome if you could register for babysitters on baby registries? Also, cold hard cash?
45 And when is someone going to invent self-laundering clothing? And is it possible to kick the bucket from laundry OD? Picture the the headlines: “MOM FOUND DEAD SLUMPED OVER MAYTAG, FAMILY’S ENDLESS DIRTY LAUNDRY THOUGHT TO BE CAUSE.” Yeah, that would teach them to throw shirts into the hamper that they’ve only worn for an hour.
46 Is it genius or ridiculous to save the Happy Meals box and keep serving your kid food in it, thereby perpetuating the belief that every meal is a Happy Meal?
47 Are girls born with the princess gene, or is it more like a virus they catch when they turn three and suddenly totally and fully believe they are Ariel-Belle-Tiana-Cinderella-Snow-White-Sleeping-Freaking-Beauty?
48 At what age is it acceptable to start using hair product on the fluff on your child’s head known as hair? Should you maybe wait till he is out of the hospital nursery?
49 If you haven’t slept through the night in three years because your child has a habit of waking up at least once, if not ten times, should you someday donate your brain to science for a study of the effects of prolonged sleep deprivation?
50 Which is better: Sending an apologetic email that you haven’t had time to get out the thank-you card for the baby or birthday gift, or not saying a peep and figuring friends and family will take pity on you for being perpetually overwhelmed?