I know, I know, it’s always the important stuff with me. But the birth of Blue Ivy combined with the outrageous amount of “theories” out there that Our Lady of the Curiously Hot Robotic Hand was not actually pregnant has induced my vomitron.
Seriously, people? After everything we know about how pregnancy plays out differently in women’s bodies, how parents act differently when confronted with birth, and how, well, rich people do things the rich people way, we’re still going to pretend that having a kid is some kind of one-belly-fits-all equalizer?
Truth: Sometimes, the most logical answer is the right one. And while it doesn’t exactly take a genius to dissect this one, I’m going to go ahead and Occam’s Razor the hell out of this for the conspiracy hounds with my Top 8 reasons It’s Freaking Obvious That Beyoncé Was Really Pregnant (using the “evidence” against her):
She got into a car easily when she was very pregnant 1 of 8They say: Limberness is not allowed! No one that pregnant can move that well! I've been pregnant and I couldn't do that.
I say: You know what else BeyoncÃ© can do that you can't? Everything. And by that, I mean make a jillion dollars being a one-woman tour-de-force whose ass moves like nothing on this planet. She is a triple goddamn threat, people. It's okay to be threatened. Just don't be silly.
She was never really that big 2 of 8They say: The bump was inflatable! It didn't move right! It didn't grow enough! It didn't come with a see-through eyehole for the entire world to press its nosy face against!
I say: Guess who might not get really big when pregnant? Some athletes. Oh, yes, and some non-athletes. And some people who don't shave because it makes their armpits break out. In other words, all sort of freaking women don't get big when they get pregnant. Yet others (ahem) turn into something resembling a National Orca Day parade float. That's the breaks, and while my ass might be a little sad about it, at least it's not delusional.
The career effect 3 of 8They say: Her career was failing, so she hired a surrogate.
I say: Yes, because as every mother knows, ain't nothing like PRETENDING YOU'RE PREGNANT to keep your career soaring. Seriously? With an annual salary of $35 million per year, 16 Grammy awards, and 75 million records sold worldwide, writing an album that garnered more critical acclaim than dollars is not "failing." And please don't talk nonsense about how $35 million is nothing next to the blah blah blah million she was making before, so clearly she's desperate. You know who's desperate? People who believe that a woman who appeared pregnant in a damn bikini could fake it.
The career effect, part II 4 of 8They say: Her career was failing, so she secretly adopted.
I say: There's no reason to wake up now shouting conspiracy theories when you've clearly been asleep through the Brangelina years.
The relationship effect 5 of 8They say: She faked a pregnancy to keep the mistresses away/ keep up with other Jay-Z baby mamas.
I say: Huh? So are you pretending that Jay-Z didn't even know that she was faking it? Because that makes total sense, is completely possible, and wouldn't require some sort of total sensory lobotomy of the dude that touches you on the regular.
She put the entire wing of Lenox Hill hospital on “lockdown” 6 of 8They say: It was so no one could see that she WASN'T REALLY HAVING A BABY.
I say: Yes. Because the easiest way to do that is go to a public Manhattan institution, have numerous potential witnesses to your every action, and you know, fake it. Way easier than, say, talking up a storm about home birth and doing it where you control the security. C'mon people. Everyone deals with the stress of childbirth differently. Keeping the flow of security tight on the delivery floor seems like two new parents with a lot of money managing their stress to me. Also:
Dear Jay-Z and BK,
I have some stress I've love you to manage when you can spare a little.
Your Totally Not Flush Brooklyn Neighbor
She checked into the hospital under a fake name 7 of 8They say: Because she didn't want anyone to know it was her because she WASN'T REALLY HAVING A BABY.
I say: Because no one on the freaking planet would know who BeyoncÃ© was if she changed her name, right? Also:
Dear Famous People Everywhere,
All you have to do to hide in plain sight is change your name. You can thank me for that knowledge with cash money.
Your Totally Not Flush Brooklyn Genius
Jay-Z mentions her earlier miscarriage in his new track “Glory” 8 of 8They say: She had a miscarriage! She can't have babies! He just admitted it! That baby crying in the background is a ROBOT BABY, you fools!
I say: Yes, totally. Anyone who has ever had a miscarriage cannot have a baby afterward. Also: You can get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat. Also, that woman who looks like BeyoncÃ© is just some chick named Ingrid Jackson. Okay, crazies, go nuts in the comments section proving me wrong, but I will just say this: If this is a dude faking joy over becoming a dad for the first time, then this is the best, sweetest fake-out ever, and yes, I'm totally buying it.