What Two Wild-Haired Princesses Taught Me About Parenting
The other day, my 7-year-old daughter, Tate, and I were heading to the movie theater to meet another mom-and-girl pair for a little double date: Ben & Jerry’s and Brave. Being a one-car family, my husband was dropping us off before he and the boys went on a Manly Errand (they needed to go to Home Depot only because we’re renovating our house, but it sounds awfully iconic, doesn’t it? The girls eating ice cream; the boys shopping for tools.).
The kids were in the back talking about who-knows-what, most certainly spiraling down to petty annoyances and creeping their fingers over to My Side. In other words, they weren’t paying attention to the grown-ups in the front. Which is good, because I was talking to Kyle about a subject that, embarrassingly, has become a rather big issue in my short stint of parenting.
See, Tate had spent the day in her latest summer camp t-shirt, messy shorts, and tangled hair. The shirt is an adult size small (I have no idea why her camp—a kids’ camp—does not make kid-sized shirts, but I digress), which means her shorts are invisibly tucked away underneath the shirt, miles above. Her lanky, summer-tanned legs protrude out the bottom of her shirt, planted on the ground by two different, mismatched flip-flops. This would be her Daily Uniform if it was her way. That, and a pair of 3D glasses with the lenses popped out. This is her latest stylistic expression.
I’m lenient at home—honestly, she can wear whatever she wants, so long as the natural elements don’t argue otherwise (she plays outside a LOT). And I’m pretty laid-back when it comes to errands and other minor occurrences out in the real world. She’ll have to brush her hair and change her shirt if it’s been worn three days in a row, but otherwise, holed-jeans and ridiculous t-shirts? Fine. There are much bigger issues in the world.
But every now and then, an occasion warrants a smidge of decency. I’m not talking much—a simple t-shirt in an appropriate size and bottoms that are visible and clean. Brushed hair. Matching shoes. It shows that you care about the body you’ve been given, that you understand basic social norms, and heck, sometimes it’s just fun to look a bit more put-together.
And of course I’m not talking about a dress. My daughter has hated dresses going on three years now. Until she was four, it’s all she would wear. But somewhere, somehow, she woke up a few months after turning four and decided that dresses weren’t her thing. The only time she’s worn a dress since then has been: 1. to her uncle’s wedding, 2. for Easter, and 3. to go see The Nutcracker. I’m not exaggerating.
Now, I get it, I really, really do—there are seriously more important issues in the world. I’m so thankful all three of my kids are healthy, that I’m healthy enough to spend my days raising them, and that we have food on the table every night. We have all we need, plus some serious blessings we don’t deserve. I am grateful.
But if I’m honest here, I’d have to admit it: Tate and I really butt heads over clothes. We’re civil about it; I’ll pull some clothes out of her dresser, and I’ll calmly ask her if she likes it. If she says no, I’ll ask her what it is she doesn’t like (while inside, my heart lurches and I think, but this is CUTE!), and she’ll usually say something like, “I don’t know, I just don’t.” I’ll throw out some suggestions—maybe the color, or the flowers over here on the side, or even that the tag itches. She’ll eventually figure something out, and I’ll reluctantly but determinedly set it in the “donate” pile. Because I don’t want drawers full of clothes that will never be worn.
I’ll continue by dragging out the bags of clothes her grandma, the Goodwill Queen, has bought for her and her future body sizes. One by one, I’ll pull out something, and she’ll either say yes or no. Yes to the simple t-shirts and shorts, not really to the dresses and skirts.
I smile, I sit with her and talk about things besides clothes, and we’ll work through these items, deciding what works and what would be better for some other girl.
But I confess that I’ve cried tears over this issue. Never in front of her. But actual tears.
It’s silly, I know. The girl prefers giant t-shirts and hole-y jeans over quirky skirts and matching headbands. She has to be reminded constantly to brush her hair (which she’s adamant about keeping long, funnily enough), and her nightly summer bedtime ritual involves scrubbing her blackened feet in the bathtub. She’d spend her afternoons up in a tree over playing with makeup any day.
I’ve got a tomboy.
And I’ve also got two other boys. She’s my only girl, and I think that’s really the issue with me. She’s my one female counterpart in our family, and she’s growing up crazy fast. The days of pudgy legs twirling a tutu skirt are long-gone; she’s become her own person with her own interests and passions. And that person would rather draw the anatomy of the human body on the sidewalk than have me braid her hair.
So back to the beginning of my story here, where I was in the car rehashing this issue with my husband en route to the movies. Tate and I just had a polite squabble over what to wear, and I was giving him the play-by-play. She wanted to wear her fluorescent orange camp t-shirt and pink baseball camp with her pair of jeans with giant holes in both knees. We compromised with a solid-colored t-shirt in her size and a pair of striped capris. Brushed hair under the baseball cap.
He’s heard this a million times before, but he’s the only one who knows my heart here, so I shared my sadness over all the unworn (gifted by Grandma) dresses hanging in her closet. The fact that because she won’t wear them, they should leave our family and be passed on to another girl who would gladly have them. And thankfully, Tate can’t hear this, because I don’t ever want her to think my love or acceptance of her has one iota of anything to do with what she wears. I don’t want her to feel less-than for not liking dresses. I love her spark and quirkiness, and my heart would break into a million pieces if I were to ever squelch that over something as silly as clothing.
And then we went to see Brave.
If you’ve seen the movie, you know the irony in this discussion mere minutes before the lights went dim in the theater. Without giving away too much, the basic plot involves a tomboyish girl at odds with her mother that wants her to be someone she’s not.
Boom.
I felt my cheeks grow hot in that cooled, darkened theater. That crazy-curly mass of red hair on Merida could have easily been Tate’s blonde mane of tangles. The princesses’ prized bow and arrows are Tate’s chalk drawings all over the sidewalk and the forts built in the living room. And while I watch the movie unfold and feel Tate’s hand squeeze mine during the scary parts, I look over at her with wet eyes. This is my girl. My precious girl, who delights in being herself and no one else.
I’m sure I’ll still offer the occasional dress some Sunday before church, but that simple summer movie reminded some of some profound truths as a parent:
• Our relationship matters way more than my idea of who my daughter should be.
• Tate’s expression of herself is the best gift she can give to the world.
• What a shame if her strongest memories of her childhood involve me nitpicking about clothes.
• Tate’s tangles have nothing on Merida’s—I guess I should be thankful she doesn’t have curly hair.
This could be a phase, or Tate could truly be someone who simply doesn’t prioritize things like clothing and hair. She still likes me to paint her nails, and she loves things like flowers and the color purple, so really, what are we even talking about here? A few yards of fabric, really. My 7-year-old is who she is, and I couldn’t love her any more if I tried.
I’m proud to be the mama of a scabby-kneed, dirty-faced daughter. You go, girl.
Read more from Tsh at Simple Mom, or follow her on Twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest.
Hi Tsh:
Thanks for this post . My almost eleven year old daughter is a tomboy too! There was a pink rebellion in my house when she was three. Around the same time she asked me to put her on a soccer team! She has been tearing up soccer fields all over the SF Bay Area for the last nine years! She now plays competitive level club soccer, she is very opinionated (proof there is a little of me in there!), tends to dress out of the hamper, and has a very, very distant relationship with her hairbrush! Boys have a respectful fear of her athleticism — something she earned after being one of two girl players on the school’s flag football team. In fact, the coach of that team referred to her as his best defensive player. Underneath all of this tough exterior though, she is still a girl! She has begun to talking to me about boys, her feelings and tends to ask my advice on a wide array of issues. I may never agree with how she dresses but I no longer fight her on it and I am in awe of her strength and talent.
[...] Head here to read the entire post and to share your comments. Do you have a tomboy, too? Pin It { top image credit } Similar Posts Six things adoption has taught me [...]
Love this post… I’m a self-confessed tomboy. I had this stage wherein every “wash day” at school, I’d wear polos one size too big for me, loose jeans, and rubber shoes. Maybe it’s the fact that no one’s really girly-girly in our family, except my Grandma, who actually is more of cutie-cutie in her fashion statement.
I think it’s a stage every little girl goes through. Or at least, most of us. I have a half-sister who had the same get-up + boycut hair, everytime she goes out of the house (from age 5-10, i think). Then out of the blue, she just blossomed into this petite, beautiful young woman with long straight hair, baby tees, and skinny jeans, joining school beauty contests here and there. She’s 19 now and has no single trace of the tomboy she was. I, on the other hand, still have it. LOL
My only daughter is a tomboy too and it is funny that I never realised why it bothered me so much. She is my only girl and I guess I always imagined having fun with her clothes and hair and so on (that ended when she was two!). But things got a lot better between us when I started focussing on and accepting who SHE REALLY IS and not on who I imagined I wanted her to be (that sounds really bad but most of the time I didn’t even realise I was being like that). She is very athletic and awesome in so many ways and I love that she would rather challenge herself with perfecting her back handspring on a gymnastics mat or put together choreography for extreme martial arts than hang around at the mall (not that there is anything wrong with that! ha ha). I am not a terribly athletic person so it has taken hard work to find common ground to bond over but I found things and I am so glad I took the time to look. As some encouragement though, my daughter is turning 10 soon and she has declared a returned love of pink, asked to get her ears pierced (even though she won’t wear her earrings out of the house for some reason) and has, on rare occasions, actually worn a skirt. We even bought pretty sandals for the summer which hasn’t happened since she was 4. I try not to look too excited when she does this because, of course, these are unimportant things but I still love it!
As your other commenters have revealed, I was also a tomboy, and my mother and I battled. And battled. And battled some more over clothes. I had exactly one dress I would wear (I called it my “monster” dress because it had, well, monsters on it). Other than that, it was all jeans or shorts and t-shirts. My mother was a girly girl to the nth degree. And she let me know that my way was not feminine, and I was not the pretty princess she had envisioned. She did come to accept who I was, but not before it took its toll on me questioning what it meant to be a woman. So you are very wise to not portray your feelings to Tate. Good for you, Mama! BTW she is adorable – love the unruly blonde hair and Drew Carey glasses
I have a small flock of girls (4), and my second girl is this way. She’d choose The way-too-big VBS shirts every day, with hidden athletic shorts. I finally let go of the idea that she should wear mostly hand-me-downs, as girl 2 of 4 and bought some sporty shirts that have the cool fabric but are cut for girls. This is a girl with a really cute short haircut, though, and her feelings are always hurt when people think she’s a boy. That’s the part that’s hard here… I’ve told her gently *why* people would make that assumption, and offered a couple of ideas about how to avoid it (a hair accessory? A slightly fitted t-shirt?)’ but my little gal is set in her ways.
AH! Got me a firstborn tomboy followed by 2 brothers too! Yes, yes, you’ve said it all so well. Sounded like you were writing my story! Crying as I put the unworn clothing to donations. My daughter is turning 16 and things do change from age 6 when the dresses and pink went out the window. Best to you and Tate…sounds like you’re on a good path!
I can totally relate to this article as both me and my 9 year old daughter are the same as your daughter. I grew up with 3 brothers and 1 sister (my sister was the princess and doll player, I would much rather have played outside). I am still the same way, I cannot stand to be inside for too long. My daughter is a superb athlete and able to take on any sport that she wishes and play against boys and girls. Other mothers have commented on her ability to wrestle a boy to the ground and run as fast as she does, and look beautiful doing it. I laugh because I know I will never have to worry about her handling herself. And, she does love her nail polish, clothes and purple.
You have described my daughter to a T(-shirt)! T-shirts and basketball shorts have been her “uniform” from the time she could dress herself. No buttons was one of her main criteria for her wardrobe. Brushing her spider-webby blond hair was optional at best.
When invited to a 4 year old girl’s dress-up party, she sported a suit of armor and a sword. I had offered a tiara and sparkles. She declined.
She got dirty and greasy with her Papa as often as she could, “helping” him work on cars, trucks, and tractors. This, I never questioned. I had done the same (and still do).
When given the option to choose a sport, after trying her hand at basketball, softball, soccer…; she chose karate.Cheerleading or dance were never considered. She achieved her black belt at the age of 15.
When, in the midst of middle school drama, other friends tried to tell her that she couldn’t talk to someone because that group was mad at that person, my girl told them, “You can be mad if you want, but that has nothing to do with me. I’ll speak to whoever I want to.”
She has been in business with her Papa cutting, fluffing, raking, and baling hay since she was 13.
But when she went to prom this year, she wore the girliest, most princessy dress you can imagine. Yards of tulle in a ball-gown style–not one of the skin-tight, revealing, trendy styles. She is 17 now, and very much has a mind of her own!
She is an individual, created by a marvelous God, who knows her heart. She doesn’t bend with every whim of her friends. She doesn’t mind being different.
She makes her Mama proud!
One day your daughter will read this piece and feel so loved. What beautiful words for your beautiful girl.
My five year old is not necessarily a tomboy–she is not super girly, but she does like to dress up some and even has spent a great deal of time in her new “Brave” costume since seeing the film on opening weekend. But what she does share with Merida is a completely independent mind that is almost always at odds with her parents and is always one step ahead of us in figuring out how to logically negotiate her way. For every exasperating moment, I am also thrilled to watch her navigate this world using her own way of thinking and creative spirit. I loved “Brave” as much or more than she did. I have to confess her father and I have been required by our own little princess to speak with a Scottish accent around the house for two weeks….
I loved this piece. I’m somewhat inarticulate on this subject but, really, we are so much more than how we look. Kudos for valuing your girl’s individuality. She sounds like a wonderful kid.
Tsh, very nicely written! I’m almost 66 years old and I still hate dresses and skirts but I enjoy getting a regular pedicure!
I’ve felt like the odd gal out at many a family gathering so perhaps Tate and I should hang together next time!
Aunt Peg
I was pretty tomboyish as a kid and broke out of it around 9th grade. The only downside is I was not very confident in my appearance and sometimes got made fun of. I actually would have appreciated my mom helping me figure out braiding, make-up, or matching outfits. I feel like I did not catch on to this until around age 16 and I was years behind the other girls.
That. Was. Wonderful! What a lucky girl to have such and insightful mom.
Wow, I loved reading this. I haven’t seen Brave and my daugther is a mom herself, but I remember the clothes struggles. My issue my semi-tomboy loved playing in the creek and the dirt but she loved her girlie clothes. All the pretty girl clothes somehow ended up filthy. She now has a girlie girl to the max who loves dresses and staying clean but they still have squabbles about other non-important in the grand scheme of life things…… Guess that is part of what being a mom is.
Well there you go then. My 18-year-old daughter has never let me buy her anything in purple and she let me, make that, she asked me to paint her nails for the first time ever just yesterday. But she is drop dead gorgeous and one of, no, THE most lovely young woman I know. All things in their time.
But hey, the irony is not lost on me at all!
I love this. Thanks so much for sharing. I love my daughter, too, in all of her uniqueness and beauty. What a privilege it is to be a part of these precious ones’ lives.
I have the girliest girls ever, but I’M not a girly girl. all I want my girls to wear occassionally is a pair of pants.
I have learned to embrace their love of dresses and even work with it! I get what you’re saying. It’s just funny that I’m on the other side of things.
Tsh, your post is so wonderful and you have a beautiful mom’s heart. I have a daughter who at the age of 2 insisted on wearing nothing but a sleeveless jumper throughout the winter in Michigan (turns out wearing other clothes was either hot or made her itchy). From the time she was born she was happiest outdoors, and preferably in the woods. It was impossible to take a walk because she had to examine every stone and pebble on the sidewalk. At 15 she chose to dress as a pirate for Halloween and throughout high school has worn a plain colored t-shirt and simple jeans to school every day. She loves to watch hockey and talk rock-n-roll and cars with her dad. She doesn’t own any makeup, never dries or styles her hair, and has little to no interest in girly things.
Now, as she prepares to go off to college, she is a happy, confident young woman precisely because she was allowed to be herself – just as you are allowing your daughter to be herself. Don’t get me wrong, I had those moments too, “Really honey, do you really want to wind the necklace through your hair for Grandma and Grandpa’s anniversary party?” “Wouldn’t you like to wear this sweater with those dress slacks?” “What about the black shoes, wouldn’t they look nicer than the brown ones with your black pants?” Yes, moms want our daughters to look pretty sometimes, but the twist is that they do look good – and that point was driven home to me when several people sincerely complimented her on the necklace laced through her hair.
And as it turns out, it’s probably a good that those things don’t matter to her because her life’s work will be in the woods and fields, oftentimes living in a tent. Not a good place for a girly-girl. So trust yourself, what you’re doing works and you’ll all be okay.
I love this. I went through a big time Tom
Boy stage from 4th-5th grade…as in I chopped off all my hair so short it could have been a boys cut and would wear nothing but basketball shorts and big tshirts. But my mom never once made me feel bad about it, if anything she was encouraging when I said I wanted the latest pair of basketball shoes or I wanted to hang a sports stuff up in my room. But when I hit 6th grade and got my first crush I went right back to the girl in me! I’m so glad my mom (and dad) were accepting of the stage and I never once felt bad about it. I still have a love for sports but love everything girly too. Your daughter may or may not grow out of it, but either way there can’t be anything more important than us as parents accepting our children and giving them confidence in who they are. Thank you for this article, what a great reminder! And now I can’t wait to see
Brave!
Acceptance for who she is is the best gift you can give her. I am 31 and I struggle with my relationship with my mother because I don’t feel accepted. She tells others she is proud of me, but doesn’t tell me directly. I remember the nitpicking and being told I wasn’t good enough and now, its hard for me to remember any of the good stuff because my brain instantly zeros in on the negative. Life is hard enough without the people who are supposed to be on your side focusing on everything you aren’t instead of everything you are.
I too have a tomboy. She is the only girl in the neighborhood, one of two girls in her pre-school and she insists on dressing like a boy.She prefers her brothers hand me downs to pretty girly clothes and picks cars and trucks over horses and dolls. And my tomboy is always sporting black feet from playing outside with the boys and she does have wild red curly hair like Mirenda. I am coming to grips with the fact, that I can’t have the tea parties and doll playing I imagined, but like you said better to love her and build a good relationship than try to mold her into what I think she should be.
What a beautiful piece of article. Every child is beautiful. No matter who they are, what they are. Our role as parents is to love, care and be there for them. The rest doesnt matter.
I’m nearly in tears here!! You’re describing my oldest & myself. I LOVE that she’s confident & decisive in what she likes & wants. . . I just wish sometimes what she wanted wasn’t a ratty t-shirt and shorts. I’m so proud of her & think she is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met — even at the age of 5 — and am so scared that my desires for her that don’t totally align with her own desires are somehow going to mess her up! But really, these desires are generally for cute tutu-style skirts. . .so what am I even talking about!?!?!? The things that I truly value — her spirit, sensitivity, and love of God — won’t be enhanced by cuter clothing. And who knows, if she cared more about her appearance & wearing what everyone else does, I might wind up more concerned over those things that really do matter.
I was a tomboy. Oddly, I grew out of it and love so many of the things I hated (like pink). It Might change, it might not. She is a beautiful little girl either way.
Oh yes! My sweet girl is such a tomboy. And at times I want to pull my hair out trying to get her to look presentable. But she is who she is, who God created her to be.
My precious girl, who delights in being herself and no one else…..this spoke volumes to me and convicted me straight to the center of my being. She is a beautiful, funny, creative little girl and I would rather cherish and nurture that then squash her individuality.
Thanks for the great lesson!
I love your article! I have to say this seems to be a constant in any house. Even though this is our parenting experience, it’s our anticipations that can get in our children’s way. I have three wonderful boys (I know I don’t have the girl aspect here) but I find that my heart pangs as well, when they don’t want the handsome polo shirt I try to foist upon them, or the top siders to match… and so I sigh, and smile at them with a, “Whatever you choose, it will be fine” … sigh… double sigh At least they put thier dirty clothes in the hamper when thier done with them.
Your story brought a tear to my eyes! I went through a Tom boy phase myself and luckily my parents just let me play with transformers and GI Joes. I have a 4 month old daughter now so it’s hard to tell who she will become. But I will also cherish her no matter what! She has a super girly nursery room, everything pink, and for the most part is dressed in Tutus and all the frilly stuff. I do however have a few “boy” outfits I have bought her too. I want her to see pictures of herself one day in overalls with monkey clothes and pink everything clothes too. I think I’m already showing her that she can be whoever she wants to be!
Your daughter sounds precious , and it’s good to see that she doesn’t get trapped in the gender roles society expects us to be. Thx for the article . It was great and inspiring too
Thank you for all the comments, everyone! I’m honored to have read them.
Ladies this is fabulous. I cant help think of my best friend who couldn’t do her own ponytail until college. while she’s super girly when she wants to be (and has a god-given body other women would kick her for), her priorities have never focused around being girly. She drove a pick up truck through high school and is a surgeon now and absolutely gorgeous (and I’m pretty sure she still only brushes her hair on weekends!). I can only imagine what her mother was thinking when we were girls!
Love this post! This is the first movie I wanted to bring my daughter to at the young age of 3.6. I love the idea of a strong girl story…a rare thing these days. Maybe then I’ll appreciate her strong will a little more, mismatched shoes and all.
Our oldest is a mix of girly girl and tomboy. I didn’t even know that was possible
She loves wearing dresses and skirts, but still wants to play outside and climb trees in them. I’ve had to designate some dresses and skirts as play dresses and keep some in the closet as church dresses so that she at least has a few without stains 
Thank you.
From one mama of 3, the youngest being the only girl who deplores dresses and would rather chase her brothers around all day than do something “frilly,” (although she does love taking care of her babies) THANK YOU.
[...] What Two Wild-Haired Princesses Taught Me About Parenting {Tsh Oxenreider for Babble} [...]
Beautiful.
This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you. I was a tomboy growing up and I have many bad memories of not being celebrated for who I was. This truly is inspiring and speaks deep within my heart.
http://www.domesticfashionista.com
[...] What Two Wild-Haired Princess Taught Me About Parenting- heartfelt post about letting children be who they are [...]
Wow, did this hit home! My 13 year old daughter has had a style all her own for years. Heaven-forbid she would wear a dress… ack! I’ve basically let it go and here’s why (for me): She loves, loves, loves going to our church’s teen Sunday school group. She loves going to Girl Scout camp and the counselors adore her, she won the “Sugar Award” for most sweet. She is kind, loyal, generous (not to her brother though LOL) and all all around sweetie-pie. Flip flops? Check. Mismatched shirt and shorts? Check. One difference, she does have the long, curly hair and loves headbands. Go figure. Its ok, Tsh, as you can see, many of us are in the same position as you, we can get through it with God and with each other.