7 Secrets of the UnshoweredMegan Jordan
Today is Thursday. I haven’t washed my hair since Monday.
No, that is misleading. That makes it sound like I’ve been bathing but skipping the shampoo and conditioner.
I haven’t taken a shower since Monday. I’m honestly not sure when the last time I took a bath was, as I’m never completely convinced that tub is clean. I sure don’t have a problem tossing the kids in there, though, do I?
Oh my. Okay, the tub is clean, but not obsessively-inspecting-the-grout clean.
I am a work-at-home-mom (WAHM) but this issue cropped up the moment I became a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). Full disclosure, I think I started leaning toward stay-at-home-martyr approximately two weeks after my first child was born. Roughly around the time I missed my first shower.
Huh. Will ya look at that.
Showering on a regular basis seems like an inalienable right. Once I’d found mine trodden on, I tapped into a negotiating power I’d never known:
“I mean, honestly, you don’t even make time for me to shower! Take the baby!!!” << I’m pretty sure I’ve actually said that. Imagine that plus the crazy hair above. Fabulous.
Missing showers is not something I do on purpose. It’s all about choices and taking a shower never maneuvers the upper hand. Between running to the store and a shower? Fresh milk and toilet paper win. Between answering email and showering? One email turns into ten and the shower is out. It’s practically mid-day now, anyway, and who would waste that shower-fresh feeling on 1pm? You would get neither that fresh-for-bed sensation nor the ready-for-the-day advantage.
Between a nap and a shower? Oh, ow, no, stop… can’t… stop… laughing!
So now that the “make time for showers” debate is settled (I’m apparently not interested for some psychological reasons related to sainthood), let’s discuss ways to fool the public!
As it turns out, my go-to “shower fakes” are some favorites of a few other work-from-home women:
Bangs! 1 of 7As a SAHWAHOHMYGAH I recommend bangs for the shower-challenged: 1) You can wash only your bangs and give the illusion of clean. 2) You can neglect your eyebrows forevermore. 3) Anti aging benefits! Due to your built-in hair visor, your forehead will look years younger than the rest of your head. Your underhead, that is.
Retro Fake-out 2 of 7Wear all hair on top of head if possible. Act like it's you being retro. All pictures of yourself should have the "highlight" feature on picnik fix your drab, 6 inch root you have going in that hair. Also the grey? Just pretend it's there on purpose. When going out, again go retro, throw a dramatic scarf over that hair and some big sunglasses and talk to NO ONE. You will be the mysterious work at home mom = possibly a b*tch, but definitely wondrous.
PEFAT? 3 of 7
Baseball cap = 6 extra hours in my week! 4 of 7It is a proven fact that the LONGER you go without showering, the LONGER you CAN go. It is purely an illusion. Long Hair, baby. I can go days... days, I tell you. And when in doubt, a ball cap makes me look sporty, but really just buys me an extra two days. Combine with lip gloss? And earrings? It is like I actually did it on purpose. Now? Kinda proud that I can pull it off and people say, "You can go SIX days without washing your hair?" Yep. That's six extra hours in my week, baby.
It’s all in The Eyes 5 of 7I am a firm believer in mascara and smelly dryer sheets. My theory is, if I slap on mascara, no one will be looking at my greasy hair, generally pulled back into a pony tail or hidden under a (cowboy) hat. My eyes will be the focus of my face. (Shhh, I like my delusions.) The smelly dryer sheets, combined with the layers of deodorant I've liberally been applying for days, so that my underarms feel like there is a layer of cement under there, help combat any um, scent, I may have accumulated. Smelly spring fresh clothes help disguise the less than spring fresh underarm scent. It's a total win. I mean, if your clothes smell clean, it must mean YOU are clean. Right?
Sniff sniff… Can they tell? 6 of 7I tend to focus on clean clothes, lipstick and sunglasses to hide all my work-at-home who-cares-if-I-didn't-shower habits. Every once in a while my husband will come home from work and give me a hug, lean back and say, "Honey, I'll watch the kids, why don't you go take a shower, you'll feel better." Yep, that really just means I'm stinky.
How NOT to PEFAT. 7 of 7Once my windows were wide open and I was wiping my girl parts with a baby wipe. My neighbors and I locked eyes. I am always wearing a hat. It seems like I am the cool hip mysterious mom at school with a fedora, but really I have a birds nest up in there. Perfumed lotion covers up a multitude of sins. I actually wore my bra for 48 hours the other day. But... I sure look freaking hot when I do get ready. It's like a before and after advertisement.
“Megan’s Babble post will certainly include words and phrases from this conversation. Like musk and P and T and concrete pits and WAHMSAHMOMGAH and will end with Amy’s story about cleaning her lady parts in front of a window…. We are SUCH GOOD HELPERS!”
Ladies, you have no idea. I… had no idea. Because we are friends, I left out the musk quotes. You are welcome.
Now tell me, what are your showering habits? Come on, tell the truth. How long have you gone?
PS- Looking for actual tips? Read Mr Lady’s 5 Ways to Not Totally Suck at Working From Home