Utterly Crazy Mom FantasiesEllen Seidman
It’s been on my mind since I first heard Demi had been rushed to a hospital, to be treated for “exhaustion.”
First thought: Poor thing; she just broke up with Ashton, now this.
Second thought: Wow, it would be kind of awesome to be holed up in a hospital for a few days. I could sleep, maybe get some good drugs, sleep more, surrender myself to the care of nurses, play a couple thousand rounds of Words With Friends, listen as a doctor somberly said, “Your family needs to let you get more rest on a regular basis, I’ll have a talk with them.” And then, I’d sleep more.
This is the un-sexy crap that passes as fantasy material for me these days. And, sadly, there’s more where that came from.
I am in the hospital, like Demi 1 of 9I am not alone with my hospital fantasy; my friends would happily check in there too. This was revealed after a mom we know went to the E.R. with a stomach bug and ended up staying overnight for observation. We all agreed that was well worth the puke. Fractured leg or arm? Bring it on! Mental breakdown? No, too serious. Those of us with two kids fondly reminisced about our second c-section, and how we got to be in the hospital for four whole days.
I have sex with my husband IN OUR BED 2 of 9This means there are no kids in our bed. Which is really, really sexy.
I get locked up in Target overnight (and sneak out with a bag in the morning) 3 of 9Forget winning the lottery—I just want to be in a place where I can snag Diet Coke, paper towels and a cute t-shirt in one fell swoop without hearing a child screech "MOMMMMY I NEEEEEEED THAT!"
My husband does a striptease and then… 4 of 9…he picks up all of his clothes and actually puts them in the hamper. Bow chicka wow wow.
I read a certain magazine cover to cover, relishing each and every image, without interruption. 5 of 9It's called Martha Stewart Living magazine, and it is my porn.
A muscular handyman shows up at my door and proceeds to… 6 of 9…fix the bathroom light fixture that hasn't worked for five years, the cracked railing on the wooden staircase, the basement door that refuses to shut and 1,739 broken other things we never get around to dealing with. Now that's hot.
Photo/ The Arches
I win a trip to Tahiti at the annual school charity raffle! 7 of 9And then I sell it off on eBay and use the money to repave our driveway and generally give our home more curb appeal.
Photo/ Rainbow Landscaping
My husband and I pick up all the toys off the bedroom floor. 8 of 9Few forms of foreplay are more satisfying.
I meet George Clooney and we have really amazing… 9 of 9...conversation in a lovely restaurant that does not have chicken nuggets or placemats you can color on.
Photo/bfi Office Furniture