Sex and Hollywood aren’t really my normal topics, but I figured I’d get this down now while I’m thinking about it. There’s a few things I really want to explain for the better of society but perhaps some of society isn’t entirely ready for all the wisdom I have. You see, some of these topics make people uncomfortable. Things like fetishes and sex on the beach. Hollywood is going to lie to you over and over again and I’d just like to help you through their lies and deal with the inevitable disappointment when and if you fall victim to their glossed over fibs.
Obviously movies are one giant lie after another about pretty much everything, but it’s a nice way to escape reality, that is unless you begin to think that movies are an accurate portrayal of real life, then we’ve got a problem. I’ve complied a few of the worst cinematic offenses and offer comfort to those of you who are lumpy, bumpy, lopsided, puffy, and into weird stuff, whether you care to admit it or not.
Swimming – Actresses can come out of the pool looking glowing and gleaming with their slicked back hair, glossy eyelashes and tan, dripping skin. I on the other hand look like a drowned rat, my hair comes out in frizzy chunks, my eyes are red, my swimsuit suctions around my bellybutton and I have to hurry and adjust my water wedgie. Chances are, you and everyone you know looks like a drowned rat coming out of the pool, but no one will ever tell you that because we all know we look like drowned rats, which is why we’re all friends and why we don’t hang out on movie sets or Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue shoots.
Sex – Most everyone is going to learn firsthand about sex in one of two ways, they’re going to see it in a movie or they’re going to walk in on their parents. If you’re really lucky, sometimes you’ll experience both before you turn 10. Here’s the thing, sex in movies is a total lie. It can be awkward, smelly, sticky, noisy, uncomfortable and when done right, can look downright stupid. Hollywood actors never have stray body hairs, lumpy bums or lopsided boobs. Clothes do not come off with grace and ease and shoving someone against a wall generally leads to a headache or teeth knocking into each other. Don’t even get me started with sex on the beach, I’ve had sand plenty of places and I can assure you the last place I want sand is down there, and if you add in the risk of saltwater, a stray seashell or worse, a crab? Keep it on solid surfaces, kids. That being said, with how strange and gross sex can get, it’s awfully important to do it with someone you’re really truly in love with. Sure! It can be fun, but having to look the love of your life in the face and say, “Sorry I’ve slept with every single one of your friends; it just wasn’t that important to keep myself STD-free for you,” can be a pretty awful and awkward conversation.
Kissing – Kissing underwater is a giant lie, nearly impossible and the farthest thing from romantic I can imagine. Don’t even bother trying to kiss someone underwater. But if you insist on being stubborn, I’ll be here with a well rehearsed, “I told you so.” Also, people cannot kiss first thing in the morning. I don’t care if you’re both dentists with impeccable dental hygiene, you don’t suck face as soon as you turn over in bed, not only because you have swamp mouth but also because you will look puffy in the morning. Puffy, smelly, swamp mouth with soggy armpits, this is reality kids. Even worse? The older you get the puffier and smellier you’ll become, all the more reason to find someone you love and keep them around for as long as possible.
Pregnancy – Pregnancy is full of farts, discomfort, sweat, bodily functions, and weird discharge. The next time you see a fashionable Hollywood starlet who is pregnant for real? Just think, someday she’ll end up staring down her own mucous plug, no assistant is going to be able to do that for her. As for the fake pregnant women in television and movies – WE GET THAT YOU’RE PREGNANT, you don’t need to keep your hand on your fake belly ALL THE TIME. Quit it, you look ridiculous. (See also: when your plot line is failing? Don’t just throw in a random pregnancy, it’s super tacky and shows how uncreative you are. STEPHANIE MEYER. Vampire venom? SERIOUSLY? You expect me to believe that?)
Fetishes – Hollywood can make fetishes look really good. I mean, not good as in, “Hey! That looks like something I’d like to get into!” but good as in, “Well I guess really rich and handsome billionaires are into S&M too!” which I’m sure some of them are, but there’s probably a lot more “normal” looking people who are into bondage than 6’0″ Amazonian women in patent leather and their beefcake, chain wearing partners. I worked at a lingerie store and never was I more caught off guard than when a normal looking guy opened his button down Hawaiian shirt revealing a purple lace bra asking if we had any that were a similar style because his favorite brand had gone out of business and he really needed to replace this one. Had I known guys in Hawaiian shirts liked to wear purple bras I probably would have been a little less caught off guard and better prepared to cater to his needs. Let’s just say that when you spy a guy down at the mall wearing a bra? You’re going to think of me and silently thank me for taking the edge off the initial shock of such a thing. While we’re at it, a lot of guys also really into pantyhose, literally. You may call it weird, they just call it Tuesday.
The thing is, people all around us have crazy likes when it comes to their personal lives. I know I have a few that I can’t bring myself to admit out loud, I hope we all do. It what makes being us fun and sometimes it’s what makes being married to us fun. I would hope we don’t sling around accusations of ‘weird’ or ‘gross’ because you never know who enjoys a fine lace panty under their business casual – if they’re not hurting you or anyone else? Live and live, yo. (If it becomes more of a Se7en thing? Well then, all bets are off.)
The best thing about being totally and wholly in love with someone is that you can let your freak flag fly a bit. It doesn’t even have to be a partner, sometimes finding a best friend who understands your strange little quirks can be just as good as a sweetheart. Nothing hurts worse than mentioning something kind of embarrassing and having it shot down or dismissed as strange and disgusting. I can still remember discussing the finer points of nipple hair with my mother-in-law when my sister-in-law began gagging in the back seat. Less than two years later? She called me to apologize “Hey, you know when I was all “GROSS! NIPPLE HAIR? YOU GUYS ARE NASTY!” a couple years back? Well, I have them now, and you’re totally right, they’re ridiculous, thanks for not letting me feel alone and freakish.”
I’ve also been known to shoot a cool breeze from my hairdryer up my robe on really hot days, one of my best friends gasped in horror while the other proclaimed, “CAPITAL IDEA!”
We’re all a little weird, we’re all a little lumpy in places and we have to remember that we’re the majority. The people paraded in front of us on movie screens, TV screens and magazine pages, those are the real freaks. They willingly submitting themselves to high colonics and plastic surgery in a futile attempt to convince us that we’re the abnormal ones.
I’m onto you Hollywood; I’m not falling for any of it.