What Moms Should NEVER Have To Put Up With: The Worst Relationship Ever.

If I was made of concrete maybe this battle would be easier. But then, I couldn't move...double-edged sword.

This past weekend I got into a fight.  It was nasty and involved yelling.  It also got physical, which is not something I am proud of.  I really wanted this relationship to work and I know I tried, I truly did.  But I finally said what I’ve wanted to for months:

“I never want to see you again.  No matter WHAT I do, this partnership is never going to work.  I don’t care if you’re popular and everyone loves you.  I do not.  It is OVER.”

Good-bye Low-Rise Jeans,

I don’t know what kind of ass one is supposed to grow on their backside to hold you up but clearly mine isn’t strong enough…or big enough.  Not only am I emotionally drained by you but I’m physically weak from spending an entire weekend pulling you up: OVER and OVER and OVER again.  If it wasn’t for my knees, I’d be pant-less.

Sorry, what was that?  Buy a belt?  What a novel idea jerk face.  I WAS wearing a belt but you’ve got so much weight bearing stretch in you that my belt was no match for your obnoxious trip down to my ankles.  And just for the record, I was wearing a Michael Kors belt.  If he couldn’t keep you around my hip region than no one can.

And let me be clear…this really isn’t about my butt.  It’s a fine bum.  And although no one is about to cat-call me on the street for the’ junk in my trunk’ they are also not about to express empathy for any full-butt removal.   It is there my friend, and it’s ADORABLE.

So, see ya later Alligator.  I hope you have a blast in the second hand store, which frankly, is a HUGE step up from where I was originally going to chuck you.  If I wasn’t convinced that I’d be pulled over by a cop while only wearing underwear you would currently be sitting under the wheels of someone’s family van in a department store parking lot.

I suppose at this point I’m supposed to drum up a few choice lovely moments we had together to highlight the fact that it wasn’t all that bad, so here it is:  Thanks for the 3 minutes I tried you on in the change room.  Under that low lighting, angled mirror and tinted brown glass I looked like I had the ass of a Kardashian.  But, after wearing you for 10 minutes and, God forbid, washing you ONCE, you turned into the most high maintenance relationship I’ve ever had.  I shouldn’t have to lift you up EVERY time I get off the couch.  My infant doesn’t even require that much work.

So goodbye low-risers.  And you know what?  Take my lame-ass gym wear with you as well.  I’ve had TWO CHILDREN come out of my body, I shouldn’t have to wear a faded green t-shirt from 6 years ago that says, “tennis, tennis, tennis” to a boxercise class.  I don’t even play tennis.

Your unfriend,

Allana Harkin

p.s.  I do recognize that I now have no clothing. So be it.

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Read more of Allana at EOTS:

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