What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting

 

15 years ago, when I first found myself pregnant, I had a lot of ideas about what was coming. I knew logically that they’d grow up eventually, but I couldn’t ever put my finger on any idea that didn’t involve nursing, or diapers, or kissing their owies and pretty much being the center of their world.

But I kept feeding them, and they kept growing, and now I find myself living day to day in an almost constant state of total shock. I knew in my head, but I never really expected in my heart, all of these things that are starting to happen.
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  • Looking up to them. Literally. 1 of 10
    Looking up to them. Literally.
    Last week, my son walked up to me to ask me something and I realized that, rather than looking at the top of his head, I was looking into his nostrils. MY SON IS A FULL NOSE TALLER THAN ME, PEOPLE. He also has bigger feet than his father. I'll be in the corner, twitching.
  • Sharing toiletries 2 of 10
    Sharing toiletries
    I ran out of deodorant last week and as I was reaching across the counter to grab my husband's stick, I remembered that I don't have to run around smelling like a very sexy man anymore, because my six year old daughter uses deodorant now and I can just borrow hers. I also borrowed my son's face wash a few weeks ago.

    Nothing about any of this is okay.
  • Comparing surgical scars 3 of 10
    Comparing surgical scars
    Our children are our ticket to immortality, and there are few things more disconcerting than having the same surgical scars as your kid. He, of course, thinks it's total crap that I got five incisions for my laparoscopic surgery and he only got three. I think he's just a sour loser.
  • Discussing the purchase of string thongs. Eventually. 4 of 10
    Discussing the purchase of string thongs. Eventually.
    My daughter informed me the other day that my chonies were broken, and I informed her back that grown ups do really weird stuff, and that they were supposed to be just a string in the back. She asked me if she could wear broken chonies when she is a grown up and I told her that she wouldn't have to, but she might want to. And then I thought about why she might want to and I died a thousand slow deaths.
  • Buying condoms. For them. 5 of 10
    Buying condoms. For them.
    My son's friends informed me yesterday that he has a real, bonafide girlfriend now. Who he'll want to be taking out on a date, no doubt, right? So, I mean, um, the responsible thing to do is to, like, um, go buy him, um, I can't even say it. Hold me?
  • Not recognizing them. 6 of 10
    Not recognizing them.
    When my son had his appendectomy last week, my husband stayed home overnight with the other kids while I stayed with our sick son. The next morning, my husband walked in the door and some guy followed him in. That man behind my husband? My oldest son. He grew so much overnight I didn't recognize his shape behind his father. NOT COOL.
  • Apologizing for not fighting with their father enough. 7 of 10
    Apologizing for not fighting with their father enough.
    My husband and I never fight in front of our kids. This sounds nice on paper, until we absolutely have no choice but to have a fight (because, you know, we are human) and one of the kid hears it and thinks THE WORLD IS ENDING. At that point, all we can do is say we're sorry for fighting, but more importantly, sorry for not teaching him that all people disagree eventually, and it isn't a bad thing, it's just part of being a person.
  • High school. 8 of 10
    High school.
    Kindgergarten I could handle. Middle school I could handle. This high school thing is totally blowing my mind. That kid graduated kindergarten yesterday and on Wednesday at 2:45 Central, he is officially in high school.I was just in high school, you guys.
  • Hating that crap they listen to. 9 of 10
    Hating that crap they listen to.
    I like to pretend I'm still fairly cool, and able to keep up with trends, and fads, and music, but the fact of the matter is that mom jeans are really comfortable and the crap that passes for music these days is a crime against treble clefs.
  • Comparing shaving tips. 10 of 10
    Comparing shaving tips.
    It never even occured to me that one day, my son would need to remove any of the stuff I worked so hard those 9 months to make for him from his body. Alas, now I am forced to give him shaving tips, and buy him sharp metal objects to rub against his perfect wittle cheeks that I used to nibble. Sigh.

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