What's Next For Michelle Duggar's Uterus?John Cave Osborne
UPDATE: This post was written well before the recent tragedy which befell the Duggar family. I’d like to express how terribly sorry I was to hear of the recent miscarriage. I can’t imagine what their entire family must be going through right now and can only hope that they are drawing comfort from one another and that their strong faith in God is providing them peace during this terribly trying time.
* * *
By now I’m sure that y’all have heard that the Duggars are expecting child number 20. But have you heard that Michelle Duggar’s uterus isn’t exactly sold on the idea? This, according to the recent letter which announced that Michelle Duggar’s uterus is resigning at the conclusion of this pregnancy.
Pretty surprising, no? I mean, after 18 pregnancies (two were with twins) and over 160 months of gestation, one might assume that the Duggar uterus would continue the way of the Energizer Bunny and keep going and going and going… After all, in its resignation letter, the uterus (correctly) categorized itself as “the hardest working uterus in show business… the James Brown of uteri.”
Given such, many have openly wondered if the Duggar uterus could actually be content to sit idly by after having faithfully punched the baby-factory clock for a total of 13-1/2 cumulative years.
Which is why today’s news should come as no surprise. According to a source inside the uterus’s camp (ew), the Duggar uterus appears to be having second thoughts about retirement.
But don’t go planning that 21st baby shower just yet. Because the source insists that the uterus has no intentions of ever carrying another baby, but is instead contemplating a second career.
And here are five that seem to make the most sense:
Opening a Papa John’s: Though the uterus has no prior experience in the pizza industry, one thing’s for certain. It knows more about deliveries than that 23-year-old stoner who just dropped off your large pepperoni. One potential roadblock, however, is that some might be reticent to eat the uterus’s crust. (Oh my. I am so sorry for that one.)
Professional Babysitter: With over 700 weekends of experience without so much as even one incident, the only question is who wouldn’t hire it.
Opening a Bakery: This one seems like a no brainer. If you don’t believe me, just contemplate this — 5,040 — the approximate number of days the uterus has had a bun in the oven.
UPS Driver: Word has it that the uterus looks stunning in brown, but vanity aside, not only has the uterus proven it can deliver, but it has also proven to be extremely dependable when it comes to keeping its packages safe. One concern, however, is delivery time. Most agree that 40 weeks is a touch long to wait for a letter.
Property Leasing: Before you say what? consider this. Having housed 20 embryos, I dare say that thing’s as open and spacious as a downtown loft. No pets though. That’d just be gross.
So, no word yet on which of these five viable options might be the frontrunner, though the inside source did say that there’s no truth to the rumor the uterus is considering joining the circus and becoming a clown car.
Image courtesy of Spec-ta-cles via Creative Commons