When Fair Children Use Foul Language

Humor. It makes me laugh, you know. Findable in so many scenarios, humor is. Often those which are completely unexpected. But more than just unexpected. Counterintuitive, too. Like when you see or hear something that is in direct opposition to what you would have thought you’d see or hear. Which is why it’s always hard for me to not laugh whenever I hear a little kid channeling his inner Richard Pryor.

I know. Kids shouldn’t cuss. And laughing when a child does might make some consider us bad parents. But it also makes us human. And humans are inherently flawed. So there’s that.

And there’s also this — 15 stories I’ve collected from personal experience or from my fellow parents which I think are highly entertaining. A word to the wise, however: I’d not click through this slideshow if I were the easily offended type. For the rest of you, however, click away. And when you’re done, how about sharing one of your own profane moments in the comments? We’d love to hear from you!

  • It’s the thought that counts 1 of 15
    It's the thought that counts
    I thought it might be a good idea if we eased into these by starting with a couple of stories that are ripe with intent, yet not exactly profane by definition. The first one comes from my friend D.
    "My daughter, who was seven at the time, was very mad at me for one reason or another. So mad that she called me a 'dumb ask.' I tried to keep from laughing, but I couldn't."
    Photo Credit: Flickr
  • To each his own 2 of 15
    To each his own
    This one comes from a woman, I'll call ELQ. ELQ was in my graduating high school class and is one of the funniest women I know. Judging from the following exchange she had with her eight-year-old boy, T, I'd say the apple's not fallen far from the tree.
    T: "Butt cheek. Butt cheek. Butt cheek, butt cheek, butt cheek!"
    ELQ: "Baby. We don't say 'butt cheek.' "
    T: "Maybe you don't, but I do, Mama!"

    Photo Credit: Wikipedia
  • With an F, huh? 3 of 15
    With an F, huh?
    Now seems like a good time for me to jump into the fray. A couple of years ago, I walked in on the tail end of a conversation Caroline was having with Alli, who was eight at the time. The only words of the conversation I heard were ones I could NOT believe, prompting me to shoot Alli a disapproving glance.
    Alli: "What? That's her last name."
    JCO: "Whose last name?"
    Alli [pointing to the TV]: "Sam from iCarly. Sam Fuckett."
    JCO [amused relief]: "Oh honey, you're mistaken. Sam's last name? It's Puckett."
    Alli [with certainty]: "Nope, it's Fuckett. Fuckett with an F."

    Photo Credit: Wikipedia
  • Togetherness 4 of 15
    The next one is a tender story of family togetherness from our very own Monica Bielanko.
    "One time when my one-year-old son Henry had a particularly odious diaper I opened it up and whistled 'Daaamn, kid.' Three-year-old Violet was next to me and now uses the phrase constantly. At least she uses it within context. For example, whenever Henry has an epic tantrum, Violet just rolls her eyes and say 'Daaaamn, kid.' And I'm like, 'Right? My sentiments exactly!' So, um, yeah... The family that curses together stays together?"
    Sure, Monica. If you say so. (ha!)
    Photo Credit: Monica Bielanko
  • So that’s why they call it a bed 5 of 15
    So that's why they call it a bed
    This amusing tale comes from a man I'm calling K who is pals with my good friend, MJ. K's then-toddler son had a recurring issue -- he often confused the word "truck" for the word... yes, well.
    Anyway, one day K and his boy pulled into a random parking lot only to see a gentleman getting out of an old Ford F-150. This was of great excitement to the young boy, as evidenced by the compliment he proudly paid the Ford's owner.
    "Hey, mister, I really love your fuck."
    Well, I suppose that explains why they call that thing in the back a bed. And why you can get one that's eight feet. I mean six is fine in a pinch, but some of us probably need a little more room to operate. Good thing there's no airbags back there. Might set 'em off, you know, and that could get kinda ugly.
    Photo Credit: Flickr
  • Precious Little Girl 6 of 15
    Precious Little Girl
    This one is from a good friend of mine in town, a woman named M.
    "When I was three, my mom took me to a popular neighborhood diner. The kind of place that's always filled with people we knew. Anyway, we were sitting at the counter, and I was dressed in a precious, little outfit, complete with precious, little bows in my precious, little hair, and my mom was so proud mother of her precious, little girl. Making her prouder still? The fact that the sweet little, old ladies sitting next to us were continuously singing my praises: What a beautiful little girl, so well behaved, et cetera, et cetera. Until, that is, my precious, little spoon fell to the ground, at which point this precious little girl said quite loudly, quite clearly and, contextually speaking, quite correctly: OH SHIT! The sweet little, old ladies gasped in horror, tsk tsk tsked, and never looked at my, no-longer-proud mom for the remainder of our meal."
    Photo Credit: Flickr
  • Trouble begets trouble 7 of 15
    Trouble begets trouble
    A story about a multi-taskioong little boy, H, as told by her mother, TS, another one of my high school classmates. (Profane children we've all managed to have!).
    "H was in recess timeout on the sidewalk in kindergarten when he decided to compound matters by picking up a rock and etching ASS into the brick wall. Needless to say, he sat out the next day too. This time for vandalism."
    Photo Credit: Flickr
  • You’re such a Bilbo 8 of 15
    You're such a Bilbo
    See that picture up there? It's everyone's favorite hobbit, Bilbo Baggins. And a nice segue into the following story that comes to you firsthand via yours truly. A friend of mine once got suspended from grade school when he was ten for calling someone a Bilbo.
    Only he went with Ds where the Bs should have been.
    And disappointed though they were, his family stood by the school's decision. I mean, calling someone a prick is bad enough. But calling someone a fake prick? So uncool, y'all.
    Photo Credit: Wikipedia
  • Life Imitating Art 9 of 15
    Life Imitating Art
    This one comes from a buddy of mine who goes by BT:
    "There is a character on HBO's 'The Wire,' Senator Clay Davis, who always, and quite creatively, used the word 'shit.' I occasionally catch my kids (10 and 11) using it just like the character."
    I'd look at it this way, BT. Senator Clay Davis is the Holy Grail of the word "shit." If they're gonna say it, at least they're saying it like the master, himself. (You have to click that link if y'all don't know about the good Senator.)
    Photo Credit: Wikipedia
  • Please tell me that was an adjective and not a gerund 10 of 15
    Please tell me that was an adjective and not a gerund
    This one is about a little girl, V, and comes from my friend R who, like me, is the father of triplets.
    "When V was four, she got mad at my wife for not letting her play a game that was causing way too big of a mess. Our dog was just a puppy then so we had him in a dog kennel at nights. It was one of those plastic ones that you can't see too well into. Anyway, V crawled into the kennel and sat in the back of it, totally dejected. I finally walked up to the kennel and said: 'Honey, what's the matter?' A moment later, from the darkness, a pouty little voice answered 'Fucking Mommy.' "
    Photo Credit: Flickr
  • Wirty Dord 11 of 15
    Wirty Dord
    Let's dip back into the JCO files, shall we? When I was seven, my mom and I were in the back yard when our neighbor's dog, an enormous Golden Retriever named Sheba, happened upon us. And Sheba, it seemed, was quite frisky that day, as she was jumping all over me. But she was an obedient dog, so I knew that by uttering one simple command, I could gain control of the situation.
    "SHIT, Seba. SHIT!" I screamed.
    "Seba," it turns out, did not shit. But my mom did. A brick, in fact.
    Photo Credit: Flickr
  • A graceful recovery. Sorta. 12 of 15
    A graceful recovery. Sorta.
    Fast forward two years and you'll find a nine-year-old JCO riding along the interstate with a buddy and his buddy's mom when an 18-wheeler almost ran us off the road. The truck slowed down and my friend's mom zipped by, and as she did, I felt it only appropriate to do what my dad did in such situations. So I rolled down the window, extended my middle finger, and shouted at the truck driver.
    "Watch where you're going, you cocksucker."
    The ensuing reaction marked our second near-wreck in as many minutes. When my friend's mom finally recovered, she glared at me in the rearview with a stern look.
    "What did you call him, young man?"
    "Um, a rooster-lollypop?" *throat clear* "Ma'am."
    Photo Credit: Flickr
  • Either or, really 13 of 15
    Either or, really
    Story number 13 comes from a lifelong friend, a woman we'll call PWP. It's about her son, W.
    "When W was three, we went crabbing on the creek in Atlantic Beach with his grandma. A little while into it, my mom calls for W to come to the back of the boat because she had a crab on the line that he could pull up. Mom grabbed the net once W was by her side, but she accidentally hit it on the line and the crab dropped back into the water. Mom, knowing how disappointed W would be, was mortified and apologized profusely. W just looked at her with a blank stare for a few silent seconds before screaming 'DAMN IT!' at the top of his lungs. Mom, horrified, told W that she understood he was frustrated, but that he needed to pick better words to express that frustration. You could see his wheels turning in the pause thereafter, a silence he finally broke with the new words he'd carefully selected. 'Well, SHIT!' "
    Photo Credit: Flickr
  • Easter Funny 14 of 15
    Easter Funny
    This one, from a friend named B, is a little ditty about her daughter, E, who was only two at the time.
    "We were on our way to Easter Morning Service, and E was playing with a toy and something wasn't working to her liking. So she screamed out 'GODDAMMIT!' My husband and I thought we'd misheard her, so I asked her to repeat herself. 'GODDAMMIT!' All of the way to church, I worked with her on saying a made-up word (Abugamee) instead. She didn't take the Lord's name in vain again that day but it took some training to stop her from saying Abugamee. To this day, our entire family still says Abugamee whenever we're upset."
    That one kind of has a Pavlovian feel to it, no?
    Photo Credit: Flickr
  • Oh, like they weren’t thinking that too 15 of 15
    Oh, like they weren't thinking that too
    Another high school classmate (way to represent, y'all!), shared a story which has become a legendary one in her household.
    "When my son, W, was 2, we were coming out of a restaurant, through the bar area, where all the patrons were glued to the TV's, watching Tiger Woods attempt an important putt. As soon as Tiger hit the ball, the bar went silent....until..... it... missed. The whole bar groaned, which point there was another second of silence.....which W filled with, 'GODDAMMIT!' in the sweetest two-year-old voice you've ever heard. The whole bar turned to look at us. Nice. We left immediately. Timing is everything!
    Photo Credit: Flickr

So there you have ’em. Fifteen pretty funny stories. Now it’s time for you to share. Leave us one of yours in the comments.

Also, be sure to check out these related posts:

You Cursed in Front of the Kids. Sh*t. Now What?
Should We Really Call Them Bad Words to our Kids?
How to Stop Kids Cursing

Photo Credit: Flickr

Read more of JCO Multiplied:
Mission Statements of Parenthood
15 Things Every Stepparent Should Know

The 7 Deadly Sins of Fatherhood
8 Reasons Family Road Trips Kill Your Soul Dead
Raising Pretty Girls
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Check out my personal blog over at JohnCaveOsborne(dot)com

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