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“Where’s Your Mother?” … and 13 Other Things I Think When My Kid’s Having a Tantrum

Listen, I understand the need for compassion when it comes to raising toddlers. I get that I need to be conscious of my son’s perspective and remember that he’s just going through all the normal developmental stuff. But honestly, when the kid decides to travel through Dante’s nine circles of hell and bring anyone within earshot with him, it’s hard for me to find my inner Gandhi. Here’s what really goes through my mind:


  • Is your face supposed to be that color? 1 of 14
    Is your face supposed to be that color?
    Because I'm not sure it is, and I'm not sure what I can do about it, but it sure scares the hell out of me.
  • Can this cause brain damage? 2 of 14
    Can this cause brain damage?
    For either of us? And furthermore, why is it that when you hold your breath, I'm the one that feels dizzy?
  • What if I just leave? 3 of 14
    What if I just leave?
    I mean, everyone else is fleeing. Will anyone really notice?
  • I need a glass of wine 4 of 14
    I need a glass of wine
    Yes, it's 11 a.m. and yes, I've got the tolerance of a baby mouse, but surely that's a reasonable solution.
  • Should I spank you? 5 of 14
    Should I spank you?
    I don't, because I tried once and it felt so moronic that I decided I would only do it in Level 10 situations, like if you run in front of a car, or intentionally burn the house down, or poop in my purse again. But I question my policy every time you melt down. Every. Single. Time.
  • Where’s your father? 6 of 14
    Where's your father?
    This is all his fault. And speaking of which …
  • You’ve taken sexy back 7 of 14
    You've taken sexy back
    Seriously kid, if I had known that making you would result in this, I might have been a little more reluctant to part with the Pill.
  • Maybe a six-pack? 8 of 14
    Maybe a six-pack?
    Aren't toddlers just tiny, alcohol-free frat boys anyways? Maybe if I catch up, this could be a bonding moment.
  • God is watching 9 of 14
    God is watching
    I know, I know, I don't even really believe that kind of a God most of the time, but something has to scare me into being a better human right now.
  • Johnny Depp is watching 10 of 14
    Johnny Depp is watching
    That works.
  • EVERYONE is watching 11 of 14
    EVERYONE is watching
    Are those parent-looking people judging me? What about those non-parent-looking people? What about those sasquatch-looking people? And that nice looking old lady, giving me the sympathetic nod? YEAH, RIGHT, SEEMINGLY-NICE-OLD-LADY. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE REALLY THINKING, AND I BET YOUR CHILDREN WERE JERKS ONCE, TOO.
  • You are an Alien 12 of 14
    You are an Alien
    The other aliens have sent you down to test me! They are deciding whether or not our species is worthy of saving. THE ENTIRE FATE OF MANKIND DEPENDS ON ME.
  • Whiskey 13 of 14
    Whiskey
    Neat.
  • I can’t wait until you have a kid 14 of 14
    I can't wait until you have a kid
    ... and that kid has a tantrum.

 

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