Shake Weight. Let’s try not to get lost in the giggles of how ridiculous those things actually look. Or how… ummm… weird they actually are.
Okay, we can giggle for a second. Here’s the “official Shake Weight” commercial.
Honestly, that has nothing to do with today’s post, I just find that commercial to be hillarious. And… ummm… weird.
But seriously. Let’s talk about a WAY better way to work those muscles. A way that doesn’t leave even a super muscle-man panting and saying “whoa, that’s it!” after only seven weak-sauce minutes.
I guarantee if you follow my plan, in 18 years your muscles will be ginormous.
It’s a really simple eleven step program.
STEP ONE: Acquire a baby. There are lots of methods to do this. You could have one. I’ve heard that’s fun. You can adopt one. I’ve done that and can recommend this method. You can steal one. Risky, but pays off for some people. However you do it, just get a baby.
STEP TWO: Don’t actually steal a baby. Come on.
STEP THREE: Get a workout by using your baby as a weight-set. Since babies are so small, you can usually hold ’em with one hand which will let you work almost every muscle in your arms, back, chest, and shoulders. Just hold your baby and do whatever you’d do with a dumb bell or one of those freaky kettle balls.
DISCLAIMER: Do not do with your baby whatever you’d do with a Shake Weight. That would cause Shaking Baby Syndrome. And you’d feel bad forever.
STEP FOUR: Get creative to complete STEP THREE.
STEP FIVE: Don’t drop your baby.
STEP SIX: Do it every day.
STEP SEVEN: Don’t stop doing it every day.
STEP EIGHT: Even when you have to get creative in how you hold your kid, don’t stop doing it every day. It doesn’t matter if they’re two months, two years, or rounding the bend to eighteen. Never skip. Ever. The best thing about this system is, you can do it anywhere! The grocery store. The park. While pulled over at a rest stop.
STEP NINE: Admire your muscles in the mirror every day.
STEP TEN: When your kid leaves home, tell him he’s always welcome to come raid your pantry so long as he lets you use him as a weight set once more. You know, to keep your muscles up.
STEP ELEVEN: Wave goodbye to your kid, look in the mirror, and realize you have the biggest muscles of anybody on earth.
“But Dan, that all seems so easy,” you might say!
I will tell you right now, that it IS. At least in theory. I’ve only made it to year four so far.
But come on… I mean, what a perfect system. You start out with a seven, eight, nine pound weight. Anybody can handle that. With a *little* dedication you’ll eventually be lifting a 20 lb. weight, then 40 lb., then 100 lb., and if you feed your kid enough Happy Meals, you’ll be doing 200+ lbs. before you know it! It’s so gradual, you have no idea you’re even getting a workout those eighteen years.
I mean come on. Who wants to use a Shake Weight when you can just lift your kid up and down in the air for free.
I know I don’t.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. This post is all in good fun, but in all awesome seriousness… isn’t it awesome that your muscles naturally get bigger as your kid grows? Noah weighs forty pounds and I can carry him around for ages without getting tired. Four years ago if you would have asked me to haul around a 40 lb. dumb bell, I woulda kicked you in the face and said “get real.”
If you’d like to read more of my posts, and by more I mean daily, visit my main blog at www.danoah.com!