Why I Will Never Stop Eating Gluten

breadHi Gluten,

It’s me Stef. How are you? Yes, I know I just saw you this morning at Western Bagel -you tasted so delicious all slathered in reduced fat cream cheese and topped with a tomato and lox -but I already miss you and I just wanted to let you know how I feel.

You have been getting a lot of negative press lately and you probably feel like a loser but I want you to take heart, you have some diehard fans like me out here who will never ever leave you. How could I? I love you. Maybe I’m even just a touch obsessed with you, fine. Okay, guilty. But I’m not stalking you. It’s just that you’re so goddamn yummy! Please don’t listen to the haters.

It seems it’s trendy right now to shun you. You’re like the Alexis on Real Housewives of of the OC just trying to do the Lord’s work while people sit in their mega-mansions and talk shit behind your back. It’s trendy to only go to restaurants where there are “gluten-free” options and people constantly post recipes for “gluten-free” cookies on Facebook (I know right?) but don’t worry, I’m not falling for that. I march to my own drummer and that drummer is wheat!

Sure some people have valid reasons for avoiding you Celiac disease or a real sensitivity to gluten and I feel for those people because they are missing out on your  ambrosial detectible scrumptiousness. Hey, according to spell check, scrumptiousness isn’t even a word but you drive me to invent new words to describe you! Screw spell check. Spell check is probably gluten-intolerant anyway!

I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I’m not going anywhere. There was a time that I had to break-up with sugar for a few years. And then we got back together, and then quickly broke up again and then tried to make it work one last time…actually, I’m not sure what sugar and I are doing right now. It’s messy is what I’m saying. But that’s different. It has nothing to do with you or with us.

What is it about you that keeps me coming back for more? I’d have to say it’s the way you make me feel, cared for, nourished and…full. Yes, that’s what it is! Full and satisfied.  Damn you’re sexy. If loving a warm piece of sourdough baguette with butter is wrong, then I don’t want to be right!

It’s you and me, gluten. We’re in it for the long haul.

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Article Posted 2 years Ago
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