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Why Michael Lohan is the Worst Ever

Screen Shot 2013-07-23 at 6.46.03 PM

Photo credit: Wikipedia

As a blogger, I get a lot of spammy PR pitches and I delete almost all of them without even reading them. But a couple of weeks ago, I got one from the people who represent Lindsay Lohan’s dad asking if I wanted to interview him. Because apparently he is some sort of expert on families. Say what now? I smirked and posted something on my blog’s Facebook page about the need for us all to collectively come up with some very special questions for a very special father.
I was thinking of questions like this:

  • Mr. Lohan, you are widely regarded as one of America’s largest douchebags. Does a douchebag of your magnitude shower with water – or with a vinegar and water solution?
  • Are you being ironic right now? You’re an expert on “family life”? Because your press bio didn’t say anything about you being a comedian.
  • I have a question because there is something I don’t understand: WHY DID I GET THIS EMAIL ABOUT YOU?

Then I saw the questions that my readers suggested and I thought they were on point:

  • Mr. Lohan, What the actual f*** is wrong with you?
  • What do you regret more: everything? Or ALL the things?
  • Are you worried that your daughters title of ‘biggest train wreck in America’ is in jeopardy of being passed on to Amanda Bynes? And what are you going to do to help her regain her ‘title’?
  • Does failing miserably as a parent qualify you as a “parenting expert” and does your inability to get and remain sober qualify you as a “recovery expert”?

Then I decided that I was going to blog about it and maybe interview him – because it would be so funny! So I went back and read the email from the PR people again. Here’s what it said:

Subject: Michael Lohan on Family Life

Guest Opportunity: Michael Lohan, Hollywood Celebrity and Recovery Expert and Spokesperson for AIR (Aid In Recovery).

In addition to getting the help she needs for a happy, healthy life, there’s now another reason Lindsay Lohan should be grateful for rehab: It means her new $5 million lawsuit is on hold. Lindsay’s father, Michael Lohan, talks about Lindsay’s rehab progress, where their relationship stands, and the huge lawsuit hanging over Lindsay’s head.

Michael Lohan can discuss this by answering the following questions:

  • Is Lindsay making positive progress in her new rehab? How so?
  • How is the relationship between the two of you now? Her and Dina? You and Dina?
  • Is the lawsuit being put on hold a relief for Lindsay? Or is it another stresser hanging over her head?

What else is going on with the Lohans these days?

  • Meet Michael Lohan:
  • Father of movie star and celebrity, Lindsay Lohan
  • Representative for the rehabilitation center, AIR ( Aid In Recovery)
  • Actor and Entrepreneur

Then it told me if I wanted more information on Michael Lohan, I should call an 800 number. It also gave me directions on how to set up a phone interview, which I would need to do ASAP because Mr. Lohan is incredibly important and this was such an amazing opportunity. It was so freaking shady and gross. The whole idea of was just so absurd. And after re-reading the press pitch and thinking more about it, I found it all a lot less funny and a lot more sad. My smirk was gone.

A couple of months ago I reviewed “Liz and Dick” and had this to say about Michael Lohan’s daughter:

I may be the last person on Earth to feel this way, but I still like Lindsay Lohan.  At least, I’m still rooting for her.  I mean — how can we expect her to be anything but exactly what she is, given her upbringing?  Her parents aren’t a joke to me, they’re sort of … sadly, awful.  I’ve always wanted to give her my own special intervention, one where she detoxed all the drugs out of her system, was forced to eat my cooking, sleep eight hours a night, help me fold laundry while we have long talks about life, go to AA meetings with my dad, and spend a lot of time walking very energetic Labradors. I really think she can be saved. Or maybe I’ve just seen The Parent Trap too many times.

I should be shocked at how sleazy that email was, but I’m not. His kid is a mess. She is arguably hitting rock bottom right now. She’s this close to going to jail. She’s being sued for millions of dollars. She is an addict. Her health is unstable. She is facing total financial ruin. Almost no one wants to (or can afford to) hire her as an actor because of the risk she brings to a project. She is teetering on the brink of everything bad.

AND HE IS EXPLOITING IT.

I just… I just can’t even. The day I posted on social media about getting the PR pitch, I heard from several other people about the vast numbers of bloggers who received the same email. He is indiscriminately pimping out information about his daughter when she is the most vulnerable. She needs protection. She needs treatment and help. She needs to have her father not peddle her secrets while she is desperately trying not to fall into the abyss.

So I didn’t try to schedule some crappy interview with Michael Lohan. Because he makes me mad. Because he is a straight up bad guy. Instead, I would like to say the following to Lindsay Lohan and every other young adult type person who is unfortunate enough to have a truly shitty parent:

You don’t need them. You’re better off without that person playing a significant role in your life. You deserved better than that and you didn’t get it and that sucks. But here’s the good news, you made it through your childhood and now you can make your own family.

You know the kind of person you wanted and needed your parent to be? Someone who loves you unconditionally, who will make sacrifices for you, who wants what’s best for you and will both fight you and fight for you to make sure you get there. Someone who doesn’t put up with your crap, but loves you even when you’re crappy. Someone who sees the best in you and reminds you to be that person. Who loves to spend time with you but gives you space when you need it.

Find a partner like that. Be a partner like that. Also, you should find friends like that and be a friend like that.

Do that, and I really think you will be OK.

And one more thing, you don’t need your stupid father because the best of him is already in you.

Good luck, sweetie.

Julie

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