Life has a way of sneaking up on you if you aren’t paying attention and apparently, I haven’t been. Which is why I was rather surprised when my husband texted me the other day and asked if there was anything special I’d like for mother’s day this year.
I had completely spaced on the fact Mother’s day is this weekend. Whoops.
While it’s lovely to know my husband is on the ball and thinking of me on behalf of our youngest son(s), I have a bigger problem at the moment. What do I get MY mother for her special day?
I really wish I was one of those people who are either hyper organized and have all their gifts purchased for all holidays a year in advance or one of those people who think buying half wilted gas station roses at the last minute is entirely acceptable. However, I am neither.
I am gift-less and in a bit of a time crunch. And when that happens, there is only one thing to do: Turn to the Internet for inspiration.
I found none of that.
What I did find, however, was some of the most horrifying and delightfully deviant items that should never ever be purchased for the woman you call Mother.
Gas station roses have never looked so good.
The Smooth Groove 1 of 8With this handy little contraption your mother will never have to worry about problem camel toe again. And you'll never have to worry about being invited over for family dinners or inheriting the family fortune if you give this to your mom. In fact, this is probably something that should NEVER be given to any female EVER.
The Blue Thunder 2 of 8
CString 3 of 8Not to be confused with silly string and I don't even want to know what the C stands for. All I know is that no mother needs to have wire crammed anywhere near her precious bits. It's a bad idea all the way around.
Body Bling 4 of 8Most mothers I know would love to receive a little bling that says "We love you Mom, thanks for being you." But if bling that needs to be glued on after your mother is de-haired is just the gift your mom would love to receive, well, I kinda want to meet your mom. I bet she'd be killer fun at a barbecue.
Booby Pillow! 5 of 8Okay, so I'll admit, I wouldn't mind trying this out just on principle. However, that doesn't mean it's at all appropriate. If you are looking at me as a shining example of what a classy and dignified mother is, there really is no hope for humanity. But seriously. A boob pillow. What's not to love?
Va-jayjay Toupee 6 of 8I'm sorry. I've got nothing. I'm too busy imagining the horrified look on my mother's face if she saw this. So not appropriate for mother's day. But maybe as a stocking stuffer...
Chicken Poop 7 of 8Pucker power at it's finest. Or not at all. Because motherhood isn't filled with enough crap over the years. However, I totally wouldn't mind pulling this out of my purse and applying it to my lips at the next Parent Council Meeting at our local school just to watch the other moms twitch.
Subtle Butt 8 of 8I don't know, but I have yet to meet a mother who wishes someone would give her arse charcoal to help her stink less on her special day. But maybe I just don't know the right moms.