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Worst Toys To Buy Your (Or My) Kids This Year

Kids are all about gifts. And if you think your kids aren’t, you are either residing on a Kibbutz in Israel, living off the land and joining in  community building exercises every day in lieu of playing with toys  or you are delusional and your kids are as into presents as much as mine. But has your kid ever been given a gift that made you cringe? Or a gift that you didn’t even know was going to be terrible until it stained your couch? Yeah, I’ve gotten a few of those too. The last one was my oldest’s birthday where she was given a “voice changing” megaphone. Oh the joy this toy has brought us! I wanted to send a rotten tomato in place of a thank you card. But when I thought about it, I realized this is far from the worst toy we’ve come in contact with. In order to save you some time, money and friendships, I’ve made a little guide for What Not To Get This Year. You’re welcome.

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  • Floam 1 of 9
    Floam
    This is truly the gift that keeps on giving. You will never get it out of the carpet, upholstery, kid's hair, your hair, clothes and for some reason -your bed.
  • Toy bullhorn 2 of 9
    Toy bullhorn
    My child was recently given one of these and I will not soon forgive the person who gave it to her and neither will our neighborhood. My children really don't need any help raising the decibels on their voices. Thanks anyway.
  • Friendship Bracelets 3 of 9
    Friendship Bracelets
    Friendship bracelets are harder to figure out than my taxes. And I'm incorporated. Any "toy" that requires watching a video on the website to use is not fun. It's work.
  • Toy Drill 4 of 9
    Toy Drill
    One of this toy's selling points is that it "sounds like a real drill." On what planet would that be considered good news?
  • Blood Capsules 5 of 9
    Blood Capsules
    How about changing the name to "A Bloody Mess." I know that all that vampire crap is hip now but please don't.
  • Keyboard 6 of 9
    Keyboard
    Is there anything more difficult to ignore than a four-year-old pounding away at the keyboard for hours and hours? If you can think of something let me know but until you do, trust me and don't get this unless your kid is old enough for lessons.
  • Gumball Machine 7 of 9
    Gumball Machine
    Really?
  • Slutty Barbie 8 of 9
    Slutty Barbie
    I have the perfect accessories for this Bratz doll: Valtrex and the Morning After pill.
  • Easy Bake Oven 9 of 9
    Easy Bake Oven
    This toy seems like a good idea and my daughter has one for that reason. Unfortunately, anything you "bake" in it tastes like gum. And as soon as you use it once, you have to go hunt through Toys R Us for replacement "baking" stuff. Of course you could always sell it at a bake sale if you want to never get asked to bake anymore. So there's that. Maybe this is a good gift after all!

If you want a short list of the books I feel should not be on your wish list, I wrote that here.

 

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