Your Children and The Big Game!SAMANTHA BEE AND ALLANA HARKIN
With the Winter Olympics just around the corner and the Football game on Sunday, there is no better time to get your kids really excited about professional sport. And, just for good measure, the Sochi Games has thrown in a dash of Human Rights Violations so parents everywhere have the great opportunity to teach their children about Homophobia. Way to go Sochi! You know how to pick ’em IOC!
Sunday’s game on the other hand, is an emotional journey of braun, history, emotional highs, lows, incredible skill and super expensive commercial advertisements.
There used to be a more idealistic time in life when men could retreat to their basements (aka ‘man caves’) turn the lights to a low dim and rest their feet on a cooler of blue-collar beer while their wives brought them down snacks and sandwiches to survive. But since the rise of feminism, which according to Elizabeth Hasselbeck is the demise of everything, men have been forced to share their space and enthusiasm for sport with not only their wives but also their children. It is indeed a sad day when a woman can expertly describe the role of an offensive unit. Grrrrr Feminism! (Please cover that last statement with a thick gooey like substance of sarcasm.)
Perhaps more complex to the involvement of family in the sacred ritual of TV football watching is the inclusion of children: small people who still aren’t entirely aware that standing in front of the television during a touchdown is akin to killing a family member. But young children are hardly to blame, as the rise in divorce, overcompensating for a crappy childhood, insanity, and just wanting to be better than your neighbours, YOU enrolled them in intramural tackle football at 3 years of age. Suck it up buttercup — your kid likes sports!
But the question remains: How does one involve their family without destroying a perfectly awesome afternoon watching men whip around a pig skin? (The clarification of MEN is of course entirely unnecessary, but one day, women may play professional football and to Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s dismay, people may be interested. COULD YOU IMAGINE?! WOMEN PLAYING FOOTBALL?! THAT IS ON THE TV BOX?! WHHHHAAAATTTT?! What’s next? Female priests? More women in politics? A FEMALE PRESIDENT? Equal pay for equal work?! Oh dear, let’s hope it’s 2014 forever!)
Back to the kids: Now when I was a child, my only job was to deliver beer during the game, but of course I also grew up in the magical time of life where you’d light cigarettes for your relatives. So how do you involve the kids in the game besides just asking them to not stand in front of the TV or simply grabbing you a cool one out of the fridge? Well, you could go to the local sports bar and not pursue this question any further OR you could put some effort into it and try these tips.
1. Throw a football around in the yard or the park. If you live in Canada this suggestion is going to piss you off, but who says you can’t toss a pig skin while it’s snowing! Just think of it as flying bacon.
2. Make amazing snacks. Lots of good food and too much cheese is an easy sell for most kids.
3. Blast super cheesy music 15 minutes before the game, like one-hit-wonder EMF’s “Unbelievable”. Or google “super cheesy mid-90’s music”. It works for hockey games!
4.Make a fort for the kids to hide in during the boring parts (and when you need a break).
5. Pick a team to root for! You don’t particularly have one? Who cares! Just pick one. Decorate the house with their team colors. Feel the pain when they lose, the joy when they win, and forget all about it on Monday morning.
Great Food Ideas:
Who says the Sunday’s game can’t be exciting for the whole family?! (I’m not directing this statement at you Dad, and yes I won’t be calling you during the game on Sunday).
And on Facebook because that’s where we sometimes hang with the cool chicks (and 6 dudes).