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10 Disgusting, Hilarious & Weird Facts About Motherhood: The Early Years

Nuzzle, nuzzle....PUKE! Lovvvvve.

If you’re a first timer (momma), be forewarned.

It’s not all turkish delight, magical wonders, sunshine and rainbows. But mostly, it is.

Even with all of it’s daily drama, the light; it pours in. That’s how most of us make it. Pure baby magic. They have it, they ooze it and have you coming back for more.

Motherhood is definitely not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. Or maybe it is – motherhood has a way of strengthening one’s soul and making you a better person. Epic melt-downs, sleepless nights, poonami’s and all. Either way, whether you are in the thick of it, or caressing your baby bump daydreaming of your foray into it, behold the truth!

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  • Nose Picker Extraordinaire 1 of 10
    Nose Picker Extraordinaire
    This is no news flash, but still. It's pretty dang disgusting, no? I'll admit I have a slight obsession with keeping my babies' noses clean. I usually try to use a wipe for the job, but sometimes one just has to bare finger it and run looking for a kleenex. Truth.
    Photo Credit: Fail Funnies
  • Peeing Acrobatics & Other Tales From The Bathroom 2 of 10
    Peeing Acrobatics & Other Tales From The Bathroom
    During the newborn stage, with a colicky baby, yes this happens. Perhaps, the baby would have been fine had I put her down while I peed - but lack of sleep and the raging hormones I had in deep relation to doing anything I could to appease m baby resulted in lots of panty squiggling, grunting and muttered cussing. Related: anytime you need to tinkle or what have you, this is the time any and all of your children need you. Like right that instant. Hopefully the older ones (kids), have learned about not barreling in on you, but babies and toddlers? Not so much. I've just gotten into the habit of peeing with the door open, to avoid the meltdowns that ensue because, I'm the most terrible momma ever, who abandoned her child to pee and what was I thinking?
    Photo Credit: Coyosa Design
  • Night Out 3 of 10
    Night Out
    You go for a night out with your tribe, or hook up with your lovah for an evening of fun and frolic, only to talk about your little ones much of the time. Or look at pictures of them on your phone. And videos. Get a life, I know, right? Image via moi, from a Halloween long ago. Typical of a night when the mister and I used to go out, and not talk of our babies.
  • Lick & a Promise 4 of 10
    Lick & a Promise
    We all know about the spit clean. It's been done for eons and will continue to happen. It's gross, inevitable and I think, perhaps, a right of passage.
  • Sweet Cheeks 5 of 10
    Sweet Cheeks
    You adore the sight of your little one's bare tooshie crawling or running around and wreaking havoc. You just want to squeeze the bejeezus out of those sweet little cheeks and that's all there is to it. There's a plethora of artwork which pays homage to little baby and toddler bottoms, all for momma's and g-momma's. Also related, toes. They are little little golden nuggets atop tiny chubby baby feet that you can't help but nibble on, put whole into your mouth and nose tickle up. Even when they smell of sour milk. Rank, but true. I mean, we certainly aren't doing that with adult feet. (Well, maybe some of us are - but that's another post and is completely illegal. Get a better fetish ya nasty toe licker!)
  • You Are The Best & The Worst 6 of 10
    You Are The Best & The Worst
    You are all at once the best, most wonderful momma that they simply can't live without one second, and the next? A fire breathing dragon whose main mission in life is to make their's a nightmare. So bliss out on all the sweet lovey-dovey time you get with your newborn, and mold your mad skills of patience because once you hit the toddler stage, it's go time. As in you will be loved more fiercely than ever before, while being flipped out on like never before. Usually in relation to how you poured their drink of choice, which really isn't their choice of drink after all, how the ketchup touched their eggs or the way you sing a song. I've given up figuring it all out. I just roll with it and pray for patience. Ev.Ry.Day.
  • Poonami Truths 7 of 10
    Poonami Truths
    You will fish turds out of a bathtub. You will end up sticking your finger in, as my toddler calls it, 'sticky, gooey, stinky'. You know, from checking if you've smelled right, only to discover it's far worse than you could have imagined, wondering to yourself just when in the hell you are going to learn and stop doing that! They are always disgusting and barely contained. Stop fooling yourself. They (poonami's), usually happen when you are about to load in the car, or right after a fresh change. It's some unspoken mysterious law of the universe. Don't be surprised if your babe steps up their preferred medium of choice for painting to be poo. It happens. Also? There will be times when it (the poo), takes on different colours of the rainbow. Oh. And the smell. Be afraid. Be very, very, afraid.
  • Bodily Orifice Fascination: Yours 8 of 10
    Bodily Orifice Fascination: Yours
    Your baby (or toddler), will have a strange fascination with sticking their fingers up your nose, in your eyeballs and earlobes. Which entails all that is hair pulling and face licking/biting/squeezing. Understandably. Just what are all of those weird holes for anyways?
  • Iron Stomach: Get One 9 of 10
    Iron Stomach: Get One
    When they are sick, just reserve yourself to the fact that it's going to get seriously shady. You will touch puke. Heck, you may even try to catch it with your hands. Not to mention what comes out the other end. The non-stop cuddles and their forehead to your chest somehow gets you through and leaves your heart bursting at the seams. Go figure.
  • By The End of The Day… 10 of 10
    By The End of The Day…
    You will have been; snotted, spilled, spat-up and drooled on (with remnants attesting to as such usually somewhere on your clothes). Hollered and cried at, swatted at, not premised to eat, bitten and pulled at. You will also have been kissed, hugged and smiled at. Jumped (or crawled) with glee for, held hands by, sang to, snuggled up to and worshipped like no other. And you wouldn't have it any other way. Well, maybe.

Did I miss anything? Surely I did.

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