China just passed a brillant law that requires children to visit their elderly parents. In fact, courts have already ruled on the first law suit requiring a woman from Jiangsu city of Wuxi to visit her 77 year-old mother twice a month AND provide financial support. I think this is pretty awesome, kids.
When I come home from work every afternoon, my 4 and 8-month-old daughters squeal and flap around with excitement. I tell them that they can’t lead my on like this because it’s going to be a big let down when they become teenagers and barely say hello. Now maybe I’ll move us to China and sue them.
So Baby Ladies (my term of endearment for my daughters), let it be known that I will have some additional requirements in my old age that you must attend to, lest you be sued… 1 of 12
I might have to sue you if you don’t jump for joy every time you see me until the day I die 2 of 12
This one is totally your fault for being so dang adorable and enthusiastic about me as babies.
I might have to sue you if you try to upgrade my cell phone 3 of 12
When I'm old, you can't be messing with my cell phone and confusing me. Leave me with my iphone 59, I'll be just fine.
I might have to sue you if you don’t move me to a tropical climate 4 of 12
I'm already slipping and falling on ice at 37, at my rate both my hips will be shatter at age 55. Send me south.
I might have to sue you if you deny me pain or happy pills 5 of 12
I want to leave this world well drugged. No pain and no panic—make sure to keep the pills coming.
I might have to sue you if you deny me green bananas 6 of 12
I only like my bananas green. Just green. That means once a week trips to the grocery store are not enough. You're going to have to take me to the grocery store at least every two days just like I did for my mom and she did for her mom.
I might have to sue you if you let strangers change my diapers 7 of 12
I changed yours, it's only fair.
I might have to sue you if you don’t bring the grandkids over weekly 8 of 12
If you don't have kids that's fine, just lie to me and bring someone else's kids over. I won't know the difference.
I might have to sue you if you don’t see to it that I’m properly groomed 9 of 12
There will be no monobrow or hairs growing out of moles, you hear me?
I might have to sue you if you let me sleep with my mouth open 10 of 12
Particularly at holiday gatherings. Throw a blanket over my head if you have to. I don't want to scare my fake grandchildren away.
I might have to sue you if you don’t protect me from that old lady smell 11 of 12
You know what I'm talking about. I don't know where it comes from either. Google it. Watch some Youtube videos and get rid of it. I may not look like a fresh young thing, but I better smell like it.
I might have to sue you if you don’t bedazzle my walker 12 of 12
If you take away my driver's license, you better pimp out whatever ride I have.