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15 Ways NOT to Raise Your Baby

Baby girl

Way #14: Don't make plans, or at least plans that don't include the baby unless you're cool with canceling them. Because that's how your baby rolls.

There’s the right way to raise a baby. Actually, there are millions of right ways to raise a baby. Just ask the experts — they’re all around you, aren’t they? (You know who you are.)

But keep in mind that as many right ways as there are to raise a baby, there are a few key ways in which it’s unequivocally wrong to do it.

Do yourself — and, of course, your baby — a favor and check out how NOT to raise your baby:

 


  • DON’T get attached to your favorite t-shirt 1 of 15
    DON'T get attached to your favorite t-shirt
    Or any shirt, really. Actually, don't get attached to any article of clothing, a carpet, bed spread or anything else where your baby's spit-up, vomit or diaper blowout can reach. This includes the walls and ceiling.
    Image: J. Crew
  • DON’T get attached to the lovely knit cap your great aunt sweetly spent weeks handcrafting for the baby 2 of 15
    DON'T get attached to the lovely knit cap your great aunt sweetly spent weeks handcrafting for the baby
    It will get worn exactly once before the baby outgrows it.
    Image: Etsy.com
  • DON’T think your baby won’t poop in the tub 3 of 15
    DON'T think your baby won't poop in the tub
    She will. You'll have to clean it out. You'll gag. It's gross. She'll do it again.
    Image: Meredith Carroll
  • DON’T assume schedules will work with anyone else but you 4 of 15
    DON'T assume schedules will work with anyone else but you
    Like, say, a babysitter, grandparent or your husband or partner. The second you change it — and by change it, I mean the moment you decide you're going to venture out to the supermarket alone for 15 freakin' minutes to buy one stupid thing — the baby will know. Guess what? She won't like it. And then it's back to the drawing board.
    Image: Wikipedia
  • DON’T expect your baby will go with the flow just because shes a second or third child 5 of 15
    DON'T expect your baby will go with the flow just because shes a second or third child
    She doesn't really care that her siblings have active lives. She wants what she wants when she wants it. And you're going to have to find a way to give it to her while carpooling with your preschooler and her buddies in rush hour traffic during a snowstorm. Think of it as herding cats while juggling a drawer full of knives at the same time that you're stuck driving the clown car.
    Image: Wikipedia
  • DON’T expect your baby will be one of the miracle babies who sleeps through the night soon after being born 6 of 15
    DON'T expect your baby will be one of the miracle babies who sleeps through the night soon after being born
    Those babies exist only in urban myths, and even then, they're usually missing a kidney after an unfortunate incident involving a note and a bathtub full of ice cubes.
    Image: Wikimedia Commons
  • DON’T think about sleeping ever again 7 of 15
    DON'T think about sleeping ever again
    Remember all that sleep you got in college? It was so your average over a lifetime would look normal. Lots and lots then. Next to none now.
    Image: Wikimedia Commons
  • DON’T act like you didnt know the supermarket would have every size diaper except the size that your baby is currently wearing 8 of 15
    DON'T act like you didnt know the supermarket would have every size diaper except the size that your baby is currently wearing
    If parenting were easy, it wouldn't be any fun. Oh, wait.
    Image: Diapers.com
  • DON’T assume your baby will be the exception to the crying in inappropriate places cliché 9 of 15
    DON'T assume your baby will be the exception to the crying in inappropriate places cliché
    Your baby will definitely cry in incredibly inappropriate places at totally inappropriate times. Clichés and stereotypes about babies exist because of babies like yours.
    Image: Wikimedia Commons
  • DON’T act as if its possible for your house to not look like the Baby section at Target threw up inside 10 of 15
    DON'T act as if its possible for your house to not look like the Baby section at Target threw up inside
    Toys, baby gear, diapers, Desitin, onesies, stuffed animals and itty bitty socks are the new black. Get used to them oozing out of the pores of everywhere you step.
    Image: MorgueFile
  • DON’T scream out profanities in the middle of the night, even though you want to 11 of 15
    DON'T scream out profanities in the middle of the night, even though you want to
    Think of what would happen if you hollered every curse word ever uttered to James Lipton when you step on one of the toys that line the floors of your house when you try to creep silently to pee at 4 in the morning. You don't want your potty mouth to wake the baby before you go potty, do you?
    Image: Wikimedia Commons
  • DON’T expect to find anything when you need it 12 of 15
    DON'T expect to find anything when you need it
    Even if you were once the proud owner of 29 pacifiers, at 3 a.m. there won't ever be a single one that can found. Anywhere. Ever.
    Image: Wikimedia Commons
  • DONT act all shocked when people comment on your babys size, or confuse her for a him 13 of 15
    DONT act all shocked when people comment on your babys size, or confuse her for a him
    People mean well. They're just really, really stupid.
    Image: Wikimedia Commons
  • DONT make plans 14 of 15
    DONT make plans
    Or at least plans that don't include the baby. Otherwise you'll have to cancel. You just will. Because that's how your baby rolls.
    Image: Meredith Carroll
  • DON’T blink, because before you know it she won’t be a baby anymore 15 of 15
    DON'T blink, because before you know it she won't be a baby anymore
    And DON'T ever forget all those times when she blissfully snoozed quietly on your chest while clutching your pinky as if it were her job.
    Image: Meredith Carroll

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Also – check out 15 ways how NOT to raise your toddler!

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