5 Embarrassing Things I Never Imagined I’d Do as a Parent
It’s All Worth It, Right?
Remember before you had kids you would see a parent dragging her kid by the arm out of the mall, and you thought, “Geez, I will NEVER be like them?”
Sigh.
Here are some things I’ve done that I never would’ve deemed acceptable pre-baby. These things are more gross things than they are parenting styles, but still.
1. Sometimes I wipe my babies’ noses with my t-shirt. I remember seeing my friend do this about four years before I had kids and I thought to myself: “That is so (bleep)ing gross, I will never do that.” Well, I still think it’s revolting, but I do it.
2. I spend an inordinate amount of time in my pajamas and specifically, braless. This was something I did not expect, even though it seems the most obvious thing ever. I don’t find going without a bra very comfortable, but some days it’s just too complicated and time-consuming to actually go put one on.
3. I gladly allow my toddler to spit out his food (or whatever other gross chewed up thing might be in his mouth) into my hand. This is both a public and a private practice.
4. I occasionally leave the house without brushing my hair…or my teeth. I do this because I forgot, not on purpose. The hair? Meh. But, the teeth–I should be arrested–or at the very least, be given a bottle of mouthwash to keep in my car.
5. I whipped out my boob in front of the plumber. Need I say more?
I’m sure this list will just get longer and longer with every passing day.
What kinds of gross stuff have you done now that you’re a parent?
I never thought I would talk in the third person, referring to myself as Mommy. I also never thought that I would call my husband Daddy before our son could even comprehend what I am saying. Letting the world see my breasts is another one. And I definitely never thought I’d be congratulating a little person on their “good poops” or “big boy farts”, haha. I never thought the spewing of sour milk would make me do anything but vomit! All this and my son is only 3 months old!
When you realize that smelling another person’s butt is completely normal to you, you know you’ve reached rock-bottom (no pun intended).
In regards to #1 — sure, it’s revolting but leaving snot on your baby’s face is even more so — plus it’s unhealthy and negligent (first it gets crusty, then it gets chapped and raw). I wouldn’t call your practice gross so much as “resourceful”. If a tee shirt is all ya got…
@ W. Watson- I totally agree. I guess in my pre-baby life, I always imagined I’d be prepared with a stack of tissues. HA HA HA.
The things we do for our kids…..LOL….Ya gotta love em’…..
I’ve never stopped wearing a sleeping bra after I stopped nursing just because of #2.
Never thought I’d walk, fully clothed (shoes & all) into 4′ shallow end of our community pool to get my defiant 3 y/o out of the water when it was time to go (despite several 5 an d10 min warnings and threats* to leave her behind). What a scene! *threats – something else I never thought I’d give pre-kiddo.
@Laura Lee- that is AWESOME. Gotta follow through on the threats, right? I have yet to learn how to make threats that don’t impede my own life as well. I think this make take practice.
I never thought I’d say all of the mom cliches. I’m going to count to three…
I never thought I would be going to the toilet while holding my child!
Definitely, definitely the lift baby-sniff butt routine. Also the put the finger in the back of the pants/diaper and yank to look inside to see what surprises await.
I feel so at home! I’ve been doing almost all of these things: using the bathroom and holding my son, wiping his snot with my shirt (or hand, or whatever else is available), wearing a sleep bra b/c putting on a real one is too much work, LEAVING THE HOUSE WITHOUT COMBING MY HAIR! And so many others, but my fave? Has to be inspecting another human’s poop. Never saw that one coming!
holding someone (son) down as they scream like they are being stabbed to cut his toe nails or pick his nose…. he’s 3 and still fights me… but he can’t be walking around with 3 inch toe nails and he needs to be able to breath.
Thank you for this post. I needed the laugh this morning!
Yes..I really, really thought that I’d be at the pool drinking Margies with the monitor……but no…I am also checking poop color, calling my husband Daddy, picking my daughters nose with my pinkie, singing, “Mommy had a chicken tortilla idea” over and over again as I make a burrito. And I love it!
Ah yes, I am also guilty of the poop inspection, the butt sniff, sitting on toilet with child, counting to three (using 2 1/2 2 3/4 etc.) I knew there were more. These are all awesome! Keep ‘em coming!
Bursting into a random, made up song, (typically to the tune of a lullaby of some sort). This happens in the store, at school, or in the car. It used to be awkward when I realized that I was doing it in public. Now people smile at my 7 & 4 year olds giggles and jumbled attempt to sing with me. Never thought I would be have to clean poop from some of the places that I have. (diaper blow outs, or potty training) I carry a purse bigger than any diaper bag that I ever carried for anyone of my three kids, in hopes that I will be prepared for a random snot rocket, dirty bathroom, or defiant child that might want to lay on the disgusting floor of a public restroom. (this last one is my personal favorite. it is usually done as i am using the bathroom and can’t immediately scoop them up)
As for #1: I keep wipes with me! Couldn’t agree more with #2! Our daughter is not picky so she doesn’t spit food out. No clue why she’s only in the 25% for her weight and 95% for her height! This kid could take on some professional eaters
#5 Nurse for 17 months and popped them out all the time, always under a hooter hider, but nonetheless. I do agree with the fact I never thought I’d call another man besides my father, dad, or daddy. Never thought I’d be so excited for another human to learn to use the potty!
I do all of those things too. And it is not even those things that I can’t believe, but the things that I say to my 3 boys on a daily basis which are not limited to, but include things like “Please DO NOT throw your waffle in my face” while I’m on my hands and knees cleaning the floor. As if that is something I should have to say instead of it just being assumed. And that one is completely mild compared to what else comes out of my mouth!
I never thought I would sing Madonna’s “like a virgin” to my newborn son to get him to sleep. It really was the only thing I could think up at 3 am.
i never thought id make up a song for about everything i do with my son! bathing, getting dressed, playing, pooping…everything! i laughed when my nine year old nephew asked my sister if she used to sing crazy songs to him when he was a baby too! my mom laughed when she saw me doing it in the middle of the store. i was totally oblivious to it and i dont have a good singing voice…
Seems just like yesterday (it was 1973) that my husband and my Mom disagreed on whether the 6 month old had a poopy diaper. My husband (confident in his assessment that babe did not) stuck his finger down the back of babe’s diaper to prove his point. “Damn”, he said,” the fecal finger of fate!”. Anybody remember Laugh In?
OK I really hope someone has done this one because it is extremely embarrassing. I had to use a public bathroom and my child was in a shopping cart. I tried holding her in one arm and pulling my jeans down with the other with no success (they’re still tight)…so I put the changing pad on the floor and set her on it……..on the bathroom floor…..how gross:(
@Lisa, that is creative! At least you used the changing pad!
Gottta follow this one with the poops well i have a 6 month old little girl and she decited to fart in the bathtub.. well of corse i was in there with her and followed by the fart she pooped and it wasent herad it was all runny… thats the worst timg i have ever been through…
this is embarrassing i was in the tub with my 6 month old little girl and she farted and followed that as pooh and it was runnyand it just kept comming i was trying to get us up and out of the tub but couldnt fast enough
@jessica, ohhh that is a rough one. hahaha!
after 3 kiddos, up to age 8, i too am guilty of all of these on numerous times. my favorite is the one time i put my hand out as another kid thew up, in hopes to keep it off of mine, oh the looks! but hey, it was kind of a reflex to be honest. i too am the parent of the kid that wouldn’t sleep because Bear Bear was lost. I learned my lesson and bought another and two back ups. all in a day is pretty normal around here!
@Maria, that ROCKS!
I wiped poo on my pants and just kept going with my day. If a little bit gets on my hands during a change, I just swipe and be done with it.
I have caught vomit with my hands so it didn’t get on the carpet and I have cleaned dog poop out of my childs’ mouth.
I say penis and my son is 5 months old. I grew up calling my vagina a “private” …
The weird one for me are the … Balls. I don’t like saying testicals and saying balls to my baby son feels weird.
@Hyman, I have issues with what to call those as well. “Balls” doesn’t seem to work.