It’s happening. My easy-going, squishy babies are turning into hardheaded, muscle-man strong, eye-rolling toddlers. Yes, that’s right, one of my toddlers ROLLS HER EYES AT ME. And she’s only 19 months old. I don’t even want to imagine what the terrible twos holds for us.
These days I have to remind myself that when I’m saying “Sit down” for the 400th time, while my girls are trying to climb out of (and then back in, and then back out of) the bathtub, that these are the days parents reminisce of so fondly. Hopefully this list will be a charming source of humor one day:
1. They take food out of their mouths and hand it to me when they don’t like it.
It doesn’t matter if my hands are tied behind my back and full, they will smash their nasty bits of rejected food into my hands as if their lives depend on it.
2. They shimmy out of their highchairs and strollers.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Let’s just walk around the house eating tacos, shall we? Maybe spaghetti in bed? And let’s just toss the stroller in the trash already. We don’t actually have to be anywhere ever. Let’s just climb the stairs to the neighbor’s house and pick up all of the tiny rocks in front of the apartment building.
3. They demand tours of the kitchen cabinets and fridge for undetermined items.
You know this one. It starts with grunting and pulling at your clothes. Soon you find yourself being led to the kitchen, say at 2 AM, handing your toddler anything and everything in the hopes that you discover what she wants. Milk? No. These cheese crackers? No. This spatula? Maybe? Okay, no. What the heck is it?? The onion? You want the onion?! Fine. Here. Enjoy.
4. They turn things on or off that I don’t want on or off.
The lights. The bathtub water. My computer. The air conditioner. Taxi cab door locks. Strangers’ phones. Cash registers. Those spray hoses in the produce section. Etc. etc. etc. and etc.
5. They dig in people’s purses.
Oh my gosh, this one kills me. Once they spot something they want, it’s over. Do you have one of those little hand lotion bottles? They will fight you for it. And they will win.
6. They insist on watching me pee.
I haven’t gone to the bathroom alone in months. If I dare to shut the door they screech like they’re in pain. They know exactly what decibel to cry at to break me down. How long will this last?