If you’re a parent but, somehow, not a smartphone addict (do you people even exist anymore?), you may have missed this trend: the development of apps that monitor everything from your baby’s heart rate to sleeping position, as Fast Company reports.
I would argue, however, that we’ve only scratched the surface of apps that might prove useful to new parents. Below, check out my wish list for baby apps. Tech innovators, please take note —you’re welcome to move forward on prototypes based on my brilliant ideas, as long as you agree to pay me bajillions in royalties. I’ll take payment in cash, check, gold bullion, or a diaper supply large enough to be worth the aforementioned bajillions.
My Baby Apps Wish List 1 of 8
Calling all app developers! These ideas are begging to be pulled out of my brain and onto an iPhone near you!
Finger Detective 2 of 8
Where have your baby's hands been? Now you can know for sure when you snap a photo of baby's fingers with a smartphone and activate Finger Detective, which will quickly generate a list of everything your little explorer has been into in the last 24 hours, from the dog's dish to the guest bathroom toilet bowl to, of course, his own mouth. You'll gag with joy ... or, you know, just gag.
Duty Dodger 3 of 8
Sure, an app that can tell you when your baby needs changing might be handy ... but you know what'd be even better? An app that gets you out of diaper duty at just the right time. Duty Dodger would measure the size of your baby's poop and, in case of a real blowout, would directly text your spouse and inform him that it's his turn to do the dirty work.
Baby Face Match 4 of 8
You think your baby looks like you. Your partner thinks your baby looks like him. Your mother-in-law thinks the baby looks like her second cousin twice removed. Settle the debate once and for all with Baby Face Match, an app that scans every profile picture in the world to determine whom your baby most resembles. Please note: Results cannot be manipulated to exclude the mailman.
Whodunit? 5 of 8
The potted plant has been knocked over, the goldfish has met an untimely demise on your coffee table, and there are Cheerios EVERYWHERE. Your older child blames the baby, but did the baby really do it, or is your poor diapered dude just an unwitting scapegoat? Find out for sure with Whodunit?, an amazing app that analyzes the scene of the crime and then determines the likely perpetrator. Not yet approved for use by professional law enforcement, but perfect for the mommy and daddy patrol!
Food Catcher Pro 6 of 8
Your baby loves throwing food off his high-chair tray. You don't love picking it up. Now you don't have to with Food Catcher Pro. Just activate the app, and your smartphone will emit an electromagnetic pulse that will create a small force field around your baby's tray. Any food he tries to toss will bounce off the force field and right back onto his tray. Your baby may eventually cry from frustration, but isn't a teary baby a small price to pay for a crumb-free kitchen floor?
Sock Saver 7 of 8
Never lose a baby sock again with Sock Saver. Sock Saver alerts you when your baby has pulled off one or both of his socks and, thanks to the magic of GPS and high-tech tracking stickers that you'll affix to all 40 pairs of your babies' socks, will tell you exactly where his wayward socks have landed.
Back Off Baby Phone Protector 8 of 8
Babies tend to do pesky things like reach for your phone when you're busy with a very important game of Candy Crush Saga. Now teach your grabby infant to stay away with Back Off Baby Phone Protector. The minute this app senses your baby's fingers heading toward your phone, it immediately emits a high-pitched, annoying sound that only babies, young children and dogs can hear. Your baby will be so put off by the noise, he'll keep his distance, leaving you free to blow away jellies in peace, you A+ parent, you!
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