7 ‘Gifts’ My Baby Doesn’t Want From Santa

Comedian Raquel D’Apice’s “A Ten-Month-Old’s Letter To Santa,” which was first published on her blog The Ugly Volvo and later on The Huffington Post, is pretty much perfect — and reassuring! After all, the gifts on her 10-month-old’s wish list are basically free … dangerous and potentially worth a call to social services, but FREE!

Just as parents — or, er, Santa — may benefit from knowing what babies really want for Christmas, some may appreciate being looped in on what gifts infants definitely don’t want. I consulted an expert: my 12-month-old. Here is what he, through a sophisticated system of babbling, grunts and hand gestures, told me.

  • Don’t You Dare Put These Under the Tree… 1 of 8
    7GiftsBabyDoesn'tWantCollage

    If you bring these gifts, Santa, you might wind up on MY naughty list!

  • Nasal Aspirator 2 of 8
    Aspirator

    I won't mince words. I'm an aspir-HATER. I don't care if that thing is covered with glitter and gummy bears -- I don't want Mommy bringing it anywhere near my nose. Even if my nasal passages were home to two massive snot glaciers, I'd rather wait for global warming to melt them than suffer the scourge of suction!

  • Tissues 3 of 8
    TissueBox

    Speaking of snot, what is the deal with tissues? Seriously, what's the point? Mommy's shoulder is right there! What more does a mucous-y munchkin like me need?

  • Socks 4 of 8
    Sock

    Things I like to feel under my feet: rug, tile, the Lego pieces that my brother forgot to put away. Things I don't like to feel under my feet: whatever it is that socks are made out of. I really, really don't like wearing socks, which is why I'm always pulling them off. If my toes get cold, I can always just put them in my mouth. DUH.

  • Plates 5 of 8
    Plate

    I need these, why? My highchair tray is perfectly capable of holding my food, as I've proven time and time again when I've emptied my plates onto said tray. Yet, for some reason, Mommy keeps putting my food on these circular things. I'd better start dumping food on the floor so she really gets the message!

  • Shirts with Clever Messages 6 of 8
    Shirts With Clever Messages

    "Forget the animal prints and bright colors, and buy me a onesie with a witticism that I can't actually read," said no baby ever.

  • Outlet Covers 7 of 8
    Outlet Cover

    There are all these fascinating holes on the walls around the house, and Mommy goes and covers them up. What gives? If only they were open, like nature intended, I could stick my fingers in there ... and forks ... and other awesome stuff! Man, parents just don't understand.

  • Nail Clippers 8 of 8
    NailClipper

    Why on earth does anyone feel the need to clip nails? Personally, I feel empowered by my long nails, like a ferocious bear or a steely tiger. I am baby, hear me roa....ouch, I just grazed my own cheek. MOMMY!!!!

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More from Alice:

Baby Burrito Boom: Tortilla Baby Inventor Has Big Plans

9 Hilarious Baby Pictures for the Holidays

Sperm Surprise! What Researchers Discovered About Men’s Diet and Conception (BabyZone)

10 Gift Ideas for Moms Who Hate Stuff (BabyZone)

6 Toys Hazards to Freak You Out Before You Go Holiday Shopping (BabyZone)

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