A Memo From My BabyRebekah Kuschmider
From: Baby N
Re: Requested Changes
As you have no doubt noticed, I am now 8 months old. The maturity, not to mention mobility, this advanced age has afforded me makes me feel like I need to speak up about the way you manage this establishment. You have a counterproductive – not to mention annoying – habit of interrupting my chosen activities and saying “No, no, no!” right in my face. Clearly, you do not understand the gravity of my situation or the seriousness with which I make decisions. The things I do, Mommy, are not random. They are part of a larger plan and it’s time that you understand it so you can sign on. Please make note of the following points and adjust your actions accordingly.
- DVDs: The carpet in the living room is beige. Beige is boring. Fortunately, there is a selection of brightly colored DVD cases on a low shelf in the living room. I scatter the cases artfully across the living room on a daily basis and feel a sense of artistic accomplishment. Then every morning I awake to find them back on the shelf. Not only do you disrespect my art, but you force me to start all over again. This has to stop.
- Remote Controls: Mommy, I’m going to be frank. You have terrible taste in television. MSNBC? HGTV? I don’t know what’s worse, the liberal harangue or the obsession with granite countertops on House Hunters. You have GOT to let me start choosing our shows and stop prying the remote out of my hands.
- Food: Every day I watch your smear colored substances on your face. Granted, I’ve never seen you eat any of this so-called “make up” but I’m certain you save that for when I’m not around because you don’t want to share. That’s why it’s is so baffling to me that you don’t let me smear the brightly colored substances from bowls and spoons on my face. Raspberry yogurt is not only delicious but the color brings out my eyes!
- Access to Toys: I can’t even begin to understand why you stock my brother’s room with toys if you don’t want me to crawl in there and play with them. You always say girls can play with Legos and transformers. Put your money where you mouth is. Or where my mouth is. Those Legos look tasty.
- Blogging: Look, I know you think you’re a hotshot blogger with your different websites expecting copy from you but honestly, you’re not as good as you think you are. Are you willing to innovate with language? How many consonants can you type in a row? And the number of times you press the “save” button shows me an unhealthy level of anxiety about your work. Let it go! Writing is rewriting and you’ll do more rewriting if you let me get my hands on the keyboard.
- Naps: Naps are dumb.
There are other complaints to address later (like why do I have to ride backwards in the car?) but this list is a good jumping off point. Please revise your approach to all of these issues and I’ll stop screaming when you thwart my activities.
Photo credit: photo stock
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