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After Your Adoption, I've Chosen to Raise You in NYC, For Now...

nycMy Dearest Sweetest Clementine,

After your adoption is complete, I’ve chosen to raise you in New York City, for now. Brooklyn to be more specific. I’m excited for you to have a childhood rich with the diversities of the city. The arts, the culture, the block parties and the FOOD. Oh my gosh, we are going to eat so much food together. Really, really good food.

We’re also going to be walking a lot. To the grocery store, the library, the park, for ice cream, to friends’ homes—it’s all walking distance. Eventually, I’m supposed to let you walk somewhere alone. Now that I’ve met you, I’m pretty sure I won’t be in agreement. What’s going to be the right age to let you walk alone in New York City?  I’m thinking 21, but I’m open to escorting you around longer.

Your life in New York City is going to be amazing. However, if into your teen (or heaven forbid your tween) years you decide to disobey me and walk out of the apartment on your own, even once…

I will move us to the desert in New Mexico “off the grid” and home school you until the day I die.  I’m not kidding.  AT. ALL.

If into your teen (or heaven forbid your tween) years you decide to disobey me and go to that warehouse party with the pot brownies and the makeshift slip-N-slide covered in lube, even once…

I will move us to the desert in New Mexico “off the grid” and home school you until the day I die.   I’m not kidding.  AT. ALL.

If into your teen (or heaven forbid your tween) years you decide to disobey me and snort, smoke, inject or neti pot ANYTHING, even once…

I will move us to the desert in New Mexico “off the grid” and home school you until the day I die. I’m not kidding.  AT. ALL.

If into your teen (or heaven forbid your tween) years you decide to disobey me and crawl illegally into the subway tunnels to film a documentary, even once…

I will move us to the desert in New Mexico “off the grid” and home school you until the day I die. I’m not kidding.  AT. ALL.

If into your teen (or heaven forbid your tween) years you decide to disobey me and sneak into Coney Island after hours with your friends to climb to the top of a ride and take Facebook photos, even once…

I will move us to the desert in New Mexico “off the grid” and home school you until the day I die. I’m not kidding.  AT. ALL.

If into your teen (or heaven forbid your tween) years you decide to date a celebrity, even once…

I will move us to the desert in New Mexico “off the grid” and home school you until the day I die.  I will teach you everything except how to find your way out of the desert.  I’m not kidding.  AT. ALL.

If into your teen (or heaven forbid your tween) years you decide to disobey me and start starving yourself to look like a model, even once…

I will move us to the desert in New Mexico “off the grid” and home school you until the day I die.  I will teach you everything except how to find your way out of the desert.  I’m not kidding.  AT. ALL.

Love,

Your Devoted New Mom

 

Read more of Rebecca’s writing at her Blog Here.

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