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And Now I Don’t Want To Leave Him

Ugh, ten months ago it sounded like a great idea to plan this trip. I was only a few months pregnant, and August of 2012 felt like absolute ages away. I would have plenty of time to prep and get ready.

And now, two days before I fly out of here, I have huge regret. Back when I planned this little getaway, I knew I would be leaving an almost seven month old. It didn’t sound so bad at the time, but now? Oh dear.

WHAT.WAS.I.THINKING?

I’m leaving Paul for five whole days. And at this very moment, I want to cancel the whole mess and just stay home with my family.

I know Paul (and my other three kids) will be in good hands. My husband is amazing and capable, and will probably do a better job managing the kids than I typically do.

Heck, I’m leaving the homestead with a full kitchen, filled with mostly pre-made lunches and dinners. I’ve planned play dates for the big kids, and even scheduled a half-day for our babysitter to come over so my husband can catch up on work stuff so he doesn’t get too far behind.

I’m leaving the house caught up on laundry, with stacks of fresh cloth diapers folded and ready to go.

So why am I so worried?

Well, even though my husband IS pretty amazing, there is just one important thing he can’t do. He can’t breastfeed.

Even though I have frozen milk in the freezer, ready and waiting for Paul, I have huge anxiety that he won’t take it, and that he will be fussy for five days straight. I’m worried that the backup supply will run out, and that my husband will have to switch to formula that Paul is not used to.

And yes, I’m still beyond worried that Paul won’t breastfeed when I return.

At the end of the day, I’m going on this trip. I need to go, and I keep telling myself I’ll come home a better wife and mother for spending a few days away.

But today, leaving feels hard.

Find more Emily on her blog, twitter, Pinterest, and facebook.

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