Oh those mischievous babies … one minute, they’re throwing Cheerios on the floor and earning your ire. The next minute, they’re throwing stones at police and getting arrested for attempted murder.
It’s true: In Lahore, Pakistan, 9-month-old Musa Khan has been charged with attempted murder after a scuffle between police and the relatives at the baby’s home. The police were there to collect money for an unpaid gas bill, CNN reported. The baby was charged, according to Reuters, because “an assistant sub-inspector complained in a crime report that Musa’s whole family [beat] him up and injured his head.”
At Musa’s first court appearance last week, he cried while being fingerprinted.
“He does not even know how to pick up his milk bottle properly, how can he stone the police?” Musa’s grandfather told the press, Reuters reported.
I don’t know … maybe grandpa is being a little naive when it comes to his grandson. If a fussy baby can throw a meatball clear across a room, is throwing a stone really out of the question?
Press reports attribute Musa Khan’s arrest to Pakistan’s dysfunctional police and justice system, including the fact that police there are poorly trained and underpaid. They may indeed be poorly trained and underpaid, but I salute them for recognizing a dangerous diapered dude when they see one.
Come to think of it, I bet there are a lot of crimes babies get away with because no one expects such malfeasance from a cuddly little munchkin. But me and the Pakistani police — we’re on to you, babies! Here are some other possible baby crimes that I urge law enforcement authorities all over the world to keep close tabs on:
1. Breaking and Entering
All that crawling and wobbly walking is really just an act. In reality, your baby probably learned to not just walk but do all sorts of acrobatic maneuvers weeks ago just so he could slip into your neighbors’ homes with the agility of a ninja and help himself to wires, marbles, eyeglasses and all those other wonderful, forbidden things that his meanie parents won’t let him have. Look for the tiny fingerprints — they’ll point you to the truth!
2. Jewel Heists
Speaking of stealing … is it poop or precious stones? If a baby just exited a jewelry store and his diaper is suspiciously bulky, don’t let the threat of no. 2 throw you off his tracks!
3. Car Jacking
It’s true that babies are too small to simultaneously put their feet on the accelerator and hold a steering wheel … but if two babies were to team up, there’s no stopping a little joy riding in the closest unlocked car. And, if they get pulled over, you can count on at least one of them crying to try to get out of a ticket. Don’t let their quivering-lip charms work on you!
4. Skipping Bail
This may be happening as we speak. Reuters reports that Musa Khan’s grandfather sent him away from Lahore and may not bring him to his next court hearing. But given what we already know about mischievous babies, it’s clear that grandpa isn’t really the one making the decisions. Wiley little Musa is the mastermind of a great escape, and he’s probably lounging in an overwater bungalow in Fiji right now, laughing at us all.
Don’t laugh too hard, baby. You may be safe for now, but I doubt you’ll dodge the long arm of the law, no matter how many stones you hurl at it.
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