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Baby, Don't Hurt Me: 7 Ways Your Infant Can Injure You

It’s safe to say that unless your baby has a melon-shaped head and mutters to himself in an inexplicable British accent — read: Stewie from “Family Guy” –he’s probably not trying to kill you.

But if you’re new to this whole baby thing, you might be surprised at exactly how much damage — read: bodily harm — your adorable little angel can accidentally cause you.

There is, of course, a bright side: When the tot gets older, you can use these BCIs — baby-caused injuries — to stage some pretty fantastic guilt trips. “You don’t want to wash the dishes? Well, I’d be happy to do it but sometimes I can’t see the sink all that clearly GIVEN ALL THE TIMES YOU SCRATCHED MY CORNEA.”

Check out some injury examples below.

  • 7 Ways Your Baby Can Injure You 1 of 8
    SlideshowCoverImage

    Your little one may look harmless, but you'd be surprised at the damage his little hands can do!

  • Poke Your Eye 2 of 8
    Slide1AliceSunglassesforEyePhoto

    It came out of nowhere: One minute, I was holding my happy little boy and the next, Saucer Eyes -- then just a little over a year old -- shoved his hand into my face. I'm fairly certain he wasn't trying to hit me, but somehow his index finger managed to strike my eye and my eyelid didn't close in time to protect against a direct blow.

    The resulting injury didn't look that bad, but it sure as heck was painful and required several trips to the eye doctor -- and two doses of prescription drops -- to finally resolve itself.

    I checked in with the folks at the American Optometric Association, who confirmed that eye injuries are in fact common among parents with young kids. The moral of this story: Keep your kid's hands away from your face and keep their nails trimmed (more on that later)...or at least practice your speed blinking so when junior comes a-pokin', you can shut those peepers tight!

  • Poke Your Nose 3 of 8
    Slide2Nose

    Yep, it's another baby fingers-in-the-face cautionary tale. I know a mom whose infant daughter poked her finger so far up her mother's nose, she made it bleed. Search online message boards and you'll find more moms whose nostrils have been accosted by their curious babes.

    I suppose you could wear nose plugs whenever you know your infant will be close to your face for a while -- i.e. while nursing -- but it'd probably just be easier to wait it out until your baby grows older and becomes more interested in things beyond your facial orifices...like the opposite sex.

    Nose bleeds don't sound so bad now, do they?

  • Scratch You…Hard 4 of 8
    Slide3FingersforScratch

    Those little mittens you put on newborns aren't just a great way to prevent the baby from scratching himself -- they protect you too!

    Sadly, they can't wear mittens forever and if your baby nail-trimming skills leave something to be desired, chances are your baby's cute little claws will at some point make painful contact with your skin. Scrunchy Face is particularly fond of grabbing at my throat, leaving marks that give the appearance of a hickey gone terribly wrong.

    Time to break out the turtle necks and scarves...in May...sigh.

  • Bite Your Breast 5 of 8
    Slide4BreastfeedingStockPhoto

    Babies, especially teething ones, can bite you anywhere. But perhaps nowhere is more painful than in the nipple while nursing. What I found most surprising is that it can hurt before the baby's teeth are visible at all -- when it seems like he's just pressing down with his gums! So beware those toothless smiles; they belie a chomping prowess that could rival anything you see on "True Blood."

     

    Image courtesy of koratmember at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

  • Pull Your Hair 6 of 8
    Slide5HairPulling

    If you were smart enough to get a short "mom cut," you've likely avoided this fate. Or maybe you've mastered the art of pulling your hair back so tightly people think you've gotten a facelift.

    Otherwise, if you have long or even medium-length tresses, you may have to contend with a grabby baby who sees your mane as just another dangly toy. You knew parenthood might leave you pulling your hair out, but who knew your baby would do it for you!

  • Distract You Into Bruising Yourself 7 of 8
    Slide6ThighBruisePhoto

    Ignore the blinding whiteness of my skin for a minute and notice the bruise on my thigh. It happened after I bumped into the wooden arm of a futon while carrying a squirmy Scrunchy Face.

    What's that, you say? I shouldn't blame the baby for my own clumsiness? You're probably right. I'll blame the futon instead.

  • Grow Up 8 of 8
    Slide7TheyGrowUp

    So this isn't exactly bodily harm, but this may be the most universally-inflicted BCI of all: You feed them/clothe them/bathe them/love them and then they grow up and don't need you anymore!

    Or so I hear.

    I suppose I'd better enjoy the eye pokes while they last!


Got your own BCI stories? Share them in the comments section!

 

Don’t miss a post! Follow Alice on Twitter and as “Mildly Inappropriate Mommy” on Facebook.

More from Alice:

DIY…Mom Jeans??

No Pee Pee Party Here: Why I Won’t Be Trying Elimination Communication

Don’t Squish the Baby! 10 Adorable Sibling Hugs

My Adorable Career-Killer: A Letter to My Second Baby

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