How My Baby Directed Her Own Nap Schedule
How I learned to accept my babys nap schedule
From the very beginning, my daughter was a terrible sleeper. She was born in Japan, nine months after I followed my husband and his job to a coastal town in Southern Japan. Alert and hyper-sensitive, three-week-old Stella would lay in my arms, halfway to dozing, then pop open her eyes, fighting drowsiness with might and main. Until she was 14 months old, each night was punctuated by six, eight, or ten wakings. There was no daytime reprieve. Naps too, were short and unreliable, heralded by screaming and squirming as I lunged and paced, babe in arms, as far as my tiny Japanese bedroom would allow.
I had expected the exhaustion. I expected multiple night feeds and nocturnal turmoil as my baby and I got to know each other. But I also expected long, regular naps. I expected a schedule. And I expected sleep to get better as my daughter outgrew her 0-3 month onesies. But that didn’t happen.
Nine months into motherhood, I was desperate for change. I built a library of sleep texts. I planned and plotted, making spreadsheets that detailed every moment of our day, hoping to discover a pattern in the chaos.
There is a small industry built upon the wallets of tired parents. Books, websites, DVDs, sleep doulas all promise the same: restful nights. Though their methodologies differ, they all tap into parental fear with the same admonishment: Without adequate sleep, your baby will not develop correctly. I spent several hundred dollars on the services of a sleep consultant. I combed the Internet for that elusive golden ticket that I could redeem for a good night’s rest. But nothing worked. My daughter still slept fitfully and woke whenever she wanted.
The fatigue was terrible, yes. But I could have managed if it were only fatigue. I could have fueled up on caffeine, downgraded my expectations, and left the floors unmopped. What I couldn’t manage was the guilt. Despite my heroic efforts, my kid just wouldn’t stay asleep, and it felt like my fault.
As the nights wore on and exhaustion became a permanent thing, I wondered, was it really my fault that my kid wasn’t sleeping? Were my expectations even warranted? Was all these sleep advice little more than an elaborate old wives tale?
As a Canadian living abroad, I turned to my Japanese peers to see if their philosophies differed. One afternoon at the jidokan, a drop-in play center, I was bemoaning my wakeful nights. “What time does she go to sleep?” one mother asked. “Usually around 7:30,” I replied. “Sugoi! So early!” she replied, using a double-edged Japanese expression that conveys both wonder and alarm. I mentioned that I was thinking of night-weaning, hoping that without an all-night buffet, my daughter might just stay asleep. There was silent disapproval. It was as though I had suggested ceasing to feed my daughter all together.
Concerned about my daughter’s infrequent naps, I asked [my pediatrician? my friend?], Dr. Takashi Takeishi for some sleep advice. Dr. Takeishi, a Harvard Medical Fellow and father of quadruplets, knows a thing or two about baby sleep. “Don’t worry. One nap is enough,” then went on to explain that his own kids didn’t take naps, but went to bed “early” at 9 pm. Dr. Takeishi told me to allow only 30 minutes to one hour daytime sleep, or otherwise my daughter would not be sufficiently tired at bedtime. I asked him when we might finally start to sleep though the night. He said not to expect a good night’s rest until “one and a half years or later.”
Everywhere, it seemed, Japanese mothers and babies flouted American sleep recommendations. Experts advise early bedtimes and long naps. They suggest following a nap schedule and adhere to regimented sleep-inducing routines. Babies must fall asleep in the same way, in the same place, every single time, they say.
But that’s not what I see in Japan. Babies there take short, mobile catnaps in strollers or in infant bike seats. When I organize playdates for my daughter, I’m never asked to work around little Mi-chan’s naptime. Rather, babies nap around our plans. Babies and toddlers go to bed with their mothers, but not until 10 or 11 pm. Japanese mothers do almost nothing the American sleep experts advise, yet as far as I can tell, Japan is not a nation of underdeveloped, chronic insomniacs.
I wondered what other normative sleep practices were being broken the world over, so I asked Catharina, a Swedish mother living in Geneva, about how her son Carl sleeps. “I think we’re pretty lucky,” she said. “He can be difficult to get to fall asleep in his crib by day, so he takes his naps in the pram, car, BabyBjörn or the lap of his father watching a movie.” Hold on one second here. Could that be acceptance of non-ideal sleeping habits? Acceptance and even gratitude?
“Swedes are more practical – it doesn’t’ matter where the baby sleeps during the day as long as it sleeps,” Catharina reasoned. She described how in Sweden, al fresco naps are the norm, with babies snoozing in the garden or napping in their prams, while their mothers sip lattes beside them. Babies’ naptimes, Catharina said, are variable “depending on the weather and the mother’s schedule.” A more relaxed view of baby sleep, she believes, “creates more flexibility for the parents and less stress.” After my experience with baby sleep, I agree wholeheartedly.
Now, my daughter is almost one and a half and she still doesn’t sleep through the night. Though her naps are longer and more reliable than they used to be, they’re still not the two- or three-hour marathons of my pre-baby imagination. But I don’t care. She always wakes happy, eager to discover what the day ahead holds.
So I’ve got an idea for the other mothers out there, who, like me, may not have “ideal” sleepers: Let’s all leave the baby experts out of our nurseries. Forget what the books say. Don’t worry about should-dos and schedules and routines. Do what works for your family. Is it really that much of a surprise that your child, perfectly unique in every way, does not conform to “normal” sleep patterns? A lot of babies don’t. Twenty-minute naps happen. So do night wakings. I doubt very much that poor sleep in infancy will doom your child in any way. Energy wasted in worrying about baby sleep would be much better invested in a stroll to the nearest cafe. Right at naptime.
I’m pregnant with my first, and the Japanese or Swedish way is the way that I’ve always expected naps and things to happen. I didn’t even KNOW that scheduled naps were the “norm” because all my experience (with 9 nieces and nephews!) were that they napped in the afternoons but the parents didn’t stop their entire lives for naptime or bedtime – they slept in car seats, or on the floors at people’s houses or in the stroller running errands or at the zoo. Only one of these children has any sleep problems (and it’s not because of nap scheduling).
I just wish my baby was ready to nurse when he starts acting funny with his sleep cycle
I feel your pain. My son did not sleep all night until he was 14 months old, way pass night ime feedings. I work full time (and have a 1 hr commute so I have to get up very early) and at the begining when I took care of my son, I was becoming desperate, until I told myself, “it is what it is and I will not force my baby to do anything he does not want to do” after that moment, everything became a little bit easier. I am actually glad he was not a good sleeper because my almost 2 year old daughter still wakes up at night and if I wouldn’t had the experience with my son, I would have gone crazy by now
I read all the books and listened to all the veteran moms on how to turn my son into a normal sleeper. I soon learned the more i tried to follow their advice the more he fought me during nap and bed time. I finally surrendered to the advice my grandma gave my mom then to me (I should have known would be the best. She raised 7 kids) Keep the house bright and loud during the day. As dark and quiet as possible at night. Sleep when he sleeps, he will find his own rhythm just give him time he is as new to this as you.
My baby is 9 mos. I never went by a schedule but he got on one himself. He likes to sleep a lot so I’m lucky in that way. But then there’s days he only has a short 5-10 minute nap. The only sleep I try to stay on schedule with is actual bed time. at 8 we start relaxing, he has a bath, a bottle, then he lays in his crib by himself while I’m just in the next room and he’s crashed until 1am. Has another bottle and a diaper change, then goes right back to sleep until about 9am. The only thing that disrupts that is teething pains or gas.
his doctor still acts completely shocked that he wakes up to have a bottle.. She even suggested just giving him warm water instead of formula. I don’t understand what that would do different besides make him mad.
As long as a baby gets some sleep I think it’s perfectly normal for a baby to go by what they want to do.
I don’t know if it was because I was working when the first two were born that I got them into a schedule. They were crib babies and they had a set schedule starting at 3 months and I let them cry themselves to sleep. With #3 it’s different, and I feel the author’s sleep deprivation. I didn’t have to work, so he slept with me. When I tried to have him start sleeping in his crib at 6-9 mos and putting him down for naps,, he was now aware that I was his sleeping buddy and he was so stubborn he would cry until he threw up. So, the schedule is out the window (plus I run errands alot so that messes up any schedule), but that’s ok because the schedule I adopt now is his schedule. Now at a year old, if I could only get him to sleep through the night without him waking up! It might also be that personalities have something to do with this.
The Japanese way is how our baby slept. Naps anytime, anywhere she nodded off and bed time was around 9-10pm with me. It was so easy to go about our days. Now that she is a toddler and on a schedule (daycare set that up) it’s actually more of a pain to plan our weekends around her nap.
So true. I raised my son to age three in Japan and gave birth to another child there. Father is Romanian. Americans are very rigid about sleep habits. But also, you have to keep in mind that some babies just sleep more easily and longer than others. It’s hard on the parents, but you get what you get. BTW, in Japan, people sleep with their babies on futons or beds for years, so mothers get a little more rest than if they had to stumble to a nursery.
Its so nice to hear from other mothers who had similar experiences to mine – because seriously, I thought my kid was THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD who was such a terrible sleeper and wouldn’t take to a schedule. Basically, this was a huge lesson in the fact that all babies are different, and what works for one won’t work for another.
Still, I have insane fits of jealousy when I see a baby sleeping soundly. I think to myself, “that mother has no idea how lucky she is”
My baby was born a preemie, so he had all the ICU rigid schedule to eat and nap. After all that rigid schedule I just didn’t want him to go through all that again, so he nap, sleep, eat whenever he felt like it. And all my friends would say that I did it the wrong way, he would not grow the way it should. He slept around 10/11 pm sometimes waking up around 2 am, that’s when his daddy used to get home, stay awake for half and hour and then sleep till it was 10 am. I started to try doing the schedules and naps and all that book things because everyone said I was doing it wrong. Well, he grew up to be a happy toddler, now he goes to bed around 9/10 and sometimes wakes up really early around 7/8 and there are times he wakes around 9/10 am. All my friends now say that they wish their kids slept like mine. We still co-sleep…
My baby slept through the night from birth to about 3 months old, and took long, predictable naps during the day (the kind you could set your watch by). But then she learned to roll over and everything changed. She wakes several time a night, usually because she gets herself stuck with an arm or leg sticking out between the bars of her crib. Her naps have become a fight on her end – she resists napping with everything she’s got, so she gets tired and cranky for 20-30 min before she finally goes down. She even went through a phase where she wouldn’t sleep at all (naps or bedtime) unless she was being held by me – daddy wasn’t an acceptable alternative. I thought I must’ve done something wrong for her sleep habits to have changed so much, but my pediatrician said not to worry about anything except the whole “hold me or I won’t sleep” bit. Had to let her cry a bit about sleeping on her own to get her to accept it. Though I wouldn’t say I “sleep trained”. I still put her down after she’s asleep, but she no longer wakes up and wails just to be picked up. All babies are different. The “norm” doesn’t actually apply to any of them. Think about it, how many ADULTS fit what is considered the “norm”? That’s how many babies do, too.
all babies are different shocker – and in other news today…
Wow, I was shaking my head reading this article, because it is MY SON! No one believes me when I tell them he’s a terrible sleeper, they blame me saying I need to put him in his room to cry and learn how to sleep on his own. Phooey! They don’t live here day in and out with this very unique child. at 11 months, we breastfeed (all night and day), we co-sleep, we bounce on the yoga ball for EVERY NAP-which are only 45-one hour long, and I am one exhausted mama. But I know it won’t last forever, it’s just been very hard for me at 42 years old, and a husband that travels. I also like knowing what other countries do, it’s great information to use and share because we don’t know everything over here.
@ Anonymous – you might consider a pak n play, they have mesh sides. My daughter slept in one the first year of her life.
And she was a very good sleeper. I don’t believe the Japanese sleep style makes kids dysfunctional, but personally, I appreciate my daughter’s long naps and early bedtimes because I need a break. Do Japanese women get a lot of family help?
Nap schedules always seemed to be to me more limiting than liberating, I have to say. People who use them are always having to say ‘Oh, I can’t come to the party, it’s his nap time’, so I do wonder what it’s supposed to help with. Do schedules tend to specify a location in which naps should always happen? Or does it just say something about the mindset of parents who want to use schedules that they don’t feel they can be flexible about it?
Great article Erica! My thought on babies and sleeping is to follow the patterns they set for themselves. Pay attention and put them to bed when they look tired. It is simple but is often not followed.
LOVE IT! I made it a point when we had kids to not have any schedules or routines that forced us to be home at a particular time every day or night. Our kids sleep where and when they need to and I have no doubt they’ll turn out fine. American’s worry too much.
@Nasrin, (speaking in gross generalizations here) Japanese women typically get a lot of family help in the first month or three of their babies’ lives. They typically return to their hometown to have the baby and stay with their mother until the baby is a few months old. Then they head back to be with their husbands and they’re on their own. In a Japanese family, the husband usually works super crazy hours and is not that involved in childrearing.
Most Japanese mothers stay at home with their kids, so they’re not juggling work and family, but still, they do the majority of the baby/child/home care. It’s tough. But the big difference, I think, is they tend to be less stressed out about “doin it rong” than American mothers. They’re a little happier to leave the baby be and take five minutes for themselves. (Again, speaking in gross generalizations and recognizing that there is immense variation in what is typical and that Japanese families come in all ilk and strain)
Erica, when my friend who knows my daughter’s sleep habits well forwarded this to me, I replied, “Hallelujah.” Seriously. You spoke to our experiences exactly! My daughter is 13 months old, and I’ve finally just stopped feeling guilty about about how little we’ve managed to conform to expert advice. I wish I had adopted the mentality sooner. Thank you for validating our experience.
My son doesn’t nap well. He does sleep 12-13 hours at night. The sleep experts suggested I wake him early to get in a nap. But I like that he sleeps at night & wakes up happy. He has always catnapped in the car or stroller. He finally will take one nap – usually in the morning- if I lay him down (he’s 8 months), so I TRY to protect that nap, but if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. Thanks for letting us know we aren’t alone in thinking this is okay!
Well said! My 17 month old goes to bed later than my other kids ever did at her age and she does still wake in the middle of the night on occassion. Last night she went to bed at 930pm, got into our bed at 6am this morning, drained a bottle in two minutes and is still sleeping now at 730am. Though that is not ideal, and her bedtime and wake-time in the middle of the night vary, she is by far my best natured child out of four kids. I agree with you….let’s leave the experts out of our nurseries….it works for us and I hope it continues to work for us when baby number five is born in January….Kudos to you for posting this article. Sometimes Mother’s seem ashamed to admit their kids don’t sleep through the night but every child is different and as parents we need to embrace that.
Thank you for this. My four month old’s sleep schedule is so variable — sometimes he naps for three hours, sometimes 30 minutes. He tends to go to bed sometime in the early evening and sleep til 7 or 8 am, but he wakes several times per night to eat, even though his pediatrician seems to think he should be sleeping five to six hours at a time by now. We’ve just gone with it but I do sometimes wonder if we should be scheduling him. This makes me feel better — we’ll just continue to go with his sleep patterns and if he naturally settles into a more regular schedule, so be it, but it not that’s fine too.
Oh my gosh thank you so much for this. I have been arguing with my baby for months now about learning a sleep schedule and a few weeks ago finally gave up. Now, after letting her do her own thing she is sleeping for 5-6 hour stretches in the early morning hours and taking 2-3 one or two hour naps. It seems that she was as stress out as I was about the sleeping schedule. Yes, she’s 6 months old and still insists on a nighttime bottle at 3:30 every morning, but we have come to accept that and believe that she will grow and develop at her own pace. There is no reason for us to force the issue. Once again, thank you!
My son is 4 months old, and I find that me parenting based on my instincts is what makes us very happy. I breastfeed him on demand, he goes everywhere I go and when he is sleepy he takes catnaps wherever we are. He falls asleep at night around 9:45 and we do co-sleep- he wakes up between 7:30 and 9 am everyday and he usually doesn’t wake up at night although he has wanted to nurse at around 4 am a couple of times- but we both stay asleep.
I have a sister in law who does the whole schedule around her kids naps and they wont sleep anywhere except in their own bed at home.
I feel like my son and I work together and it’s amazing for us
No experts in my nursery!
i wonder if chiro would help the baby easier to nap? i have heard it has absolutely helped some babies, 100% difference in their sleep just after one visit to the chiropractor.
I am sorry, it seems I am the odd one out here, but I think it is important that babies have a schedule and learn to sleep independantly. My second baby is not a great sleeper, but is slowly learning to take longer naps and do longer stretches at night. Although, I would love to have my babies “sleep on the go” I had to learn to give up my own desires and respect that my children need time to nap in their beds. As a result I feel my children are healthy, happy, and all around good sleepers. I do not think crying it out is the answer, but adult accompanied sleep training is important for their independence and well being. I am happy the norm in Japan is more relaxed, but I am also very confident that many other countries keep their children on routine and schedule.
Thank you for this blog! Although I live in Canada and the US, my style is very much the Swedish style that you write of. I keep having to remind and reassure myself that this is all very well thought out, that I’m doing what seems the best and most responsive for both my baby and our family, and that I am not ruining my baby!
Anonymous, thanks for your suggestion re. chiropractic. I’m telling you, it was one of the many many MANY things I tired to help my kid sleep better, and it made no difference whatsoever. I truly believe that it helps some kids (it helped me immensely with migraines). But for my baby, nothing but the passing of time made her sleep beter. I tried scheduling, not scheduling, sleep training, not sleep training, co-sleeping, crib sleeping, hammock sleeping, more sleep, less sleep, earlier bedtime, later bedtime, one nap, two naps, three naps, you name it, I tired it. My kid wouldn’t sleep, and it was driving me batty until I threw up my hands and said, “Whatever! I give up! You win! We’ll be awake for all of eternity. And things will be just fine.” Thats when sleep (and my mental health) got a bit better. Because I stopped caring so much.
I agree with you 100%! Fantastic article.
My babies have all been great sleepers, both night & day, but our peds all scoff at how late they go to bed (between 9-10:30).
It totally sucks that your kids don’t sleep as much as you’d like, but don’t make it a guilt thing. I’d chalk it up to genetics more than anything else. I can (and have) sleep 20 hours straight if given the opportunity & I fall asleep anywhere. A few years ago, my brother has partial narcolepsy so I think there’s something about sleep that runs in my family & miraculously my kids picked up my sleep habits and not my husband’s (for now). I’m sure I’ll pay in the future for their nap times I’m currently enjoying!
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Yes, yes, yes. I think a mom’s best friend in this case is not a sleep expert but other moms and dads who are in the same developmental moment. Whenever I feel tired and alone, I read the posts on askmoxie.org. I love the humane and realistic counsel and camaraderie on that site, especially as it relates to sleep.
Why are we so hell bent to get our kids on a “schedule”? My 13 month old goes to bed around 9-10 pm, sleeps until 8-9am, then takes one 3 hour nap around noon. That’s it, we tried to get him on the 2 nap schedule,early to bed, and it made everyone crazy! Neither my husband or I conform to strict schedules so this works for us. And for those who want to know what happens when he goes to school? We are seriously considering home schooling, mostly because I travel a lot for my job and I hope to take my little man all over the world with us. FAR more educational IMHO than being lectured to in a classroom.
My 9-month-old, too, has kind of a whack sleep ‘schedule’. When he wants to go to sleep for the night varies between 10:30 PM – 3 AM, but he’ll wake up for the day normally after 10 AM (pretty nice!). He’ll take a 1-2 hour nap 2 hours after he’s up, then another hour or so around 5 PM, and a half hour to one hour again around 8. My husband and I are pretty laid back about it all so I’d have chalked it up to our fault, but Baby’s happy and that’s all that matters
Plus, he only goes to sleep in arms and hasn’t accepted the crib yet, but we cosleep so it works out if he wants to nurse back to sleep (yeah, he’s not fooled by bottles, either). We find schedules pretty troublesome, anyway, so we have no problems just winging it! 
what a wonderful attitude to have!
Kudos! There is no such thing as schedules in the Philippines either. When the baby is tired, the baby sleeps. This means either in your arms while in the midst of a noisy room or in a quiet nursery. Why go through the ridiculous frustration of trying to put a baby on a sleeping schedule when the baby clearly does not want to go to sleep. All that comes out of it is frustration and time lost “fighting” to put a child to sleep. I know of parents who are so insane about their baby’s sleeping schedule that they will literally tell guests to keep quiet while at their home at the exact time the child is supposed to nap. Meanwhile, the poor kid is still full of energy and ends up just crying for an hour while everyone in the room is just boggled. No thanks!
Great article Erica. My older son is a champion sleeper but my younger one certainly through a spanner in the works when he came along- I know it won`t affect him later on in life but sometimes it is hard to see through the lack of sleep haze to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is there though. Surely?!
Love it! Neither of my kids slept through the night until close to two years old. I perfected the art of lying to my pediatricians (one in France, one in the US). Sure, we schedule them. Of course I let them cry it out! Never in my bed! The truth was that they slept whenever and wherever, usually next to me and attached to my breast. And what do you know– they are now older and doing great. When I let go of the idea of a regimen, life got eaiser.
Until 3 days ago my 3 month old has been a fussy, colicky, non sleeping baby. 3 days ago I was highly recommended by other moms to try probiotics for her… It has transformed her into a happy, sweet, smiley, and SLEEPING baby!!!! It was insane how fast it changed. They helped with her gassiness and all around general discomfort and she literally put herself on a schedule… Nights up with a screaming baby at 3am are traded out with her falling asleep around 11 pm and sleeping until 5am… Just like that.
I love this point of view. Thankfully, I have two (mostly) good sleepers, but am aware of how unusual that is. I wish my younger son (6 months old) would sleep in a stroller or baby carrier when we’re out, but he really craves his crib or being in bed with me.
I’ve found with both of my sons that watching for their sleepy cues (rubbing the eyes, yawning, rubbing faces against me) and putting them to bed right as I see those cues has really been miraculous. I’m still getting up at night with the baby and trying not to stress over it. The exhaustion is rough though, but I know it will end eventually.
This was fun to read. Have 10month old son who is allergic to sleep and loves mommy-looks-like-a-zombie look during the day. I keep avoid the question if he falls asleep alone in his bed. Truth is I have to rock him in my arms to sleep and then he sleeps in our bed in the middle. Was worried that he might have problems with development and attachment only to me,but he wakes up giving me sloopy kisses and loud monkey sounds. Ironic thing is that I worked in nursery for years,put 1000 of children to bed,advised parents how to do it and yet I got the strong willed one
This was so refreshing. My sister and I were never on the same page about nap time. I believe each child should find their own rhythem. My son is a fussy baby and I found success with Baby Roll Asleep and we try to guide him to sleep when he seems ready, not by the clock. He fights sleep but once he gets rocking, he is out like a light. We just had our first trip with him and want more. Your article makes me think it would be wonderful to be globe-trotting mom – thanks!